The shame of asking for “IT”

woman with angel and devilBeing in a Domestic Discipline relationship with a vanilla HOH, has it challenges.  It almost seems like he cannot spank me enough.  I try not to resent his lack of consistency, and remind myself that the time between spankings have a very different meaning for each of us.    I am an emotionally charged, charismatic woman.  I am also somewhat flighty, and prone to fits of “bratting”.

Two weeks between maintenance sessions, is an eternity for me. Fourteen whole days! I feel like I am going to blow up, but am not aggressive enough to throw an F-bomb at him, or a lamp. Instead, I resort to passive aggressive tendencies, manipulation, and guilt trips. (hiding his razor, rolling my eyes, pouting, hiding his toothbrush…).  And I feel guilty for treating my spouse this way. I don’t want to treat him disrespectfully, but I can’t seem to stop pushing him.

For him, two weeks between sessions is like, “It hasn’t even been a month! Do you seriously need attention already?” (insert masculine eye roll). He seems resentful and burdened, like this is something he HAS to do for me, but he darn well is not going to like it.

After several arguments over this issue, we agreed to a compromise. I would ask for “it” when I felt I needed a maintenance spanking. And he would not roll his eyes, or make any derogatory comments.

It is not the best scenario.  But is better than the alternative, guilt laced manipulation and resentment on both sides.

But asking for a spanking is embarrassing.

I feel ashamed that I can’t hold it together longer than a few weeks.

I feel badly that I am burdening him with this task.

And I feel hurt when his emotions express discontent over our arrangement.

I feel as if he is judging me.

I feel humiliated and vulnerable.

With one sarcastic word, or roll of his eyes, I am devastated.

So I wait until the last-minute, or I don’t ask at all. The negativity builds in me, until it spews forth, erupting like a volcano of hurtful words and actions, leaving destruction in its wake.  This is far worse than it should have been.  At this point, we are both hurt emotionally by my outburst.  We make amends, and start over, with me promising that next time I will do a better job of letting him know my needs – before things escalate.

So the choice is clear. I need to ask for “it”.

It’s hard for me to express my needs, and I struggle with the inner turmoil of shame and judgment over needing this thing called maintenance.  But it’s far better for both of us, if I am honest. He can take care of me quickly, and I don’t have the remorse and guilt of another eruption.

I am still going to sign him up for mind reading classes, since he hasn’t figured out what pouting, eye rolling and missing hygiene items mean.  🙂

19 thoughts on “The shame of asking for “IT”

  1. Renee Rose

    Oh, so hope you get some spank-ass maintenance tonight, miss katie!! I think you and I just need spanking pants, to let our husbands know we are ready for some bun loving. 🙂

    1. katherinedeane Post author

      I cold totally use some hot pants too! I would love to out some sort of cryptic remark on the booty too. “needs color”, “PMCS” (an army term for doing maintenance on a vehicle). If you come up with any others, let me know. We can go in together on the screen printing.
      🙂 THanks!!!

    1. katherinedeane Post author

      so right about the communication, Alyssa. People sometimes laugh when they see us together. He is the epitome of intelligence, and productivity, and analytical processing. I am creative, energetic (some people call this hyper activity),and (slightly) dramatic. 🙂 Talking to each other has always been interesting. He listens to only the words, I mainly listen to the non verbal cues. LOL, opposites attract, eh?
      Were you “yikes”‘ing at the two weeks being long or short? 🙂 just curious
      Thanks for replying.

    1. katherinedeane Post author

      That is a very good idea, I do look quite good in semi-tight pants. But it has to be the right combination. My SIL wore these red leggings that made her butt look HUGE. (and she is actually quite thin). Sorry, but red and orange just don’t seem like a good choice for round bottoms. 🙂 I will find some black ones.
      Thanks for reading! 🙂

  2. Anastasia Vitsky

    What you are going through is completely normal, and yes it would be so much easier if they could read minds!

    But asking for it, while embarrassing, is a grown-up step. Is he respectful when you ask for it nicely? If he has to tell you no (not enough time, etc.), does he do it in a way that doesn’t leave you feeling ashamed? Is this system of asking for it working for you?

    It sounds like you’ve both been mature, clear, and respectful with each other. I say you both deserve gold stars.

    1. katherinedeane Post author

      Thanks for replying, Ana. He wasn’t very respectful at first, but that was because he didn’t understand the depth of my needs. He kind of thought I was joking, and it was hard for him to be serious about it. Now that he understands what I am asking for, he is trying to be more accommodating. He tries to let me down respectfully when he is too busy to “attend to my needs”. I just have to get over the hurt feelings, and force myself not to over analyze the situation. He does love me. It’s just that I am speaking a completely different language- far beyond Mars and Venus. 🙂 Thanks for the gold stars. I love getting warm fuzzies.

  3. houston switch

    You might try doing something unexpected for him… when he notices, you can ask for a “reward” a good, hard spanking. It has worked for me…

    1. katherinedeane Post author

      That is a great idea. Thanks so much. I just have to remind myself not to be upset if he doesn’t notice. Because that would probably negate the action of me trying to honor him, right? If I can remember that this is just as much about his happiness , as it is about mine, then we would be doing a lot better. Thanks for reading my post and replying. 🙂

  4. Adaline Raine

    I went through this a few months ago with my hubby and it turned into me asking too much. I had been pushing and pushing because at the time I wanted to see if he was going to follow through. Now it’s almost never as he does not seem to think it helped but I really feel it does. I also felt ashamed and guilty for asking for it and while at the time hubby did not make me feel bad he has recently brought it up. It’s all about communication and trying to understand each others needs. I really hope you find a good happy medium. I also like the idea of getting ‘good girl’ spankings. *hugs*

    1. katherinedeane Post author

      Sorry to hear that, Addy 😦 I hope things are easier now.
      I agree, the communication has got be there. We are trying to figure out a happy medium (keep your fingers crossed 🙂 ).
      Until then , mmmmm good girl spankings.
      I hope you get some too! 🙂
      Thanks for reading and replying!

  5. Jade Cary

    Why CAN’T they read minds? It would be so much easier on everyone if they could. Alas, they cannot, and as Ana-ya said, it’s a grown up step. This is hard; I can tell by the tone of your post. Hang in there, and during off time when things aren’t so emotionally charged, talk about it. Things come out more rationally when you are rational. He may be ready to hear you then.

    If not, give him McNarmara’s email address. LOL!


    1. katherinedeane Post author

      totally agreed, Jade. how about a post it note on my forehead, perhaps 🙂
      I agree, I communicate a lot better when I have lost some of my emotions.
      ooh, good idea! LOL I need to get hubby a pseudonym first.
      Thanks for reading and replying. 🙂


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