I have in-laws coming this weekend.
My house is in shambles, and I have been trying not to tear my hair out, while getting ready for their visit. The good news is that I had some very productive internal musings, while I cleaned.
As I frantically vacuumed popcorn kernels out of the guest room carpet (AND chair… AND Murphy bed), I had a stunning revelation.
My frenzied attempts at preparation for my husband’s sister, is the same thing I am going through with my writing. (Ok, it’s a little bit different). She actually does not like me, and thinks me beneath her and her brother. I have tried so hard to make her like me.
Come on! I am a nice person! Like me, dang it! Like me!
(As you can see, I am a people pleaser. My whole life has revolved around making people happy, and getting the affirmation that I desired).
But she doesn’t like me, and will probably come into my house, and judge its upkeep (I admit, that I am not much of a house cleaner), turn down her nose at our huge collection of disembodied Barbie’s and My Little Ponies, and will steal my husband away from me for 4 whole days.
But a good friend explained to me that I was in control of this situation. I do not have to let her make me feel badly. I do not have to hang around and feel unloved. I can go on a walk with the kids, or go read. She reminded me that I am allowing my SIL, out of the goodness of my heart, to come into my house, and spend valuable time with her brother. She can borrow him, but she will have to give him back. He is mine. This house and everything in it is mine (ours). I don’t have to let her control the situation. And it’s ok if she won’t accept my friendship. I will keep offering. But it won’t make me a lesser person if she does not deem me worthy to be in her life.
So, while I was attempting to clean a whole room full of Barbie appendages and old cheezits, and trying not to cry, my muse finally made her appearance. I have been worrying too much about the affirmation of others. I want people to hear my voice, but am unsure how to do it. I thought that showcasing my wit and intelligence would bring me respect. I did a post on intimacy, hoping that people would see that I wasn’t just a fun person to laugh at / with. (Semantics, I know). But that I was a respectable member of the author community with a brain and the potential to start stimulating conversations.
But let’s be honest. My strengths aren’t intellectual and stimulating conversations.
My strength comes from my emotions. I wear my heart on a sleeve, and express myself through these enthusiastic, and sometimes vulnerable sentiments.
This is who I am. This is what I like to write about.
I prefer energy and passion, and dynamic expression to big four syllable words. (I almost wrote “dynamism”, LOL 🙂 But it wouldn’t have been my voice.)
I am pondering changing my next blog post on intimacy. I was going to talk about female intimacy, the 5 levels of intimacy, and segue it all into the interview with my new favorite author.
But my muse is not going for the academic blog post.
She craves emotion!
So I am going to work on a compromise to talk about some of my feelings about intimacy, and yes, I will include spanking talk, while also using some of the information I gleaned from my time online. (I would totally hate to waste perfectly good research time.) But for the most part, I will stay true to my voice, my passionate side.
I hope some people will like me. But what I learned from “house cleaning hell / validation attempt 2013”, is
I am who I am.
I can’t force someone to like me.
But I can remember the most important thing –
I like me.