Non sexual Intimacy post 2 – my needs

intimacy sunset pic

I have been pondering the thought of non-sexual intimacy, for a while now, because of two main events in my life.

  1. I read Anastasia Vitsky’s “The Way Home”, and absolutely fell in love with her characters and the intimate relationship that they had.
  2. My husband and I made friends with a real life “Disciplinarian” couple. (This is a story for another day. But it did influence my decision in this blog post series)

I know that spanking is a real part of my life. It’s not just something I read or fantasize about. It is in my very make-up, my soul. It’s an intimate act that I think about often.  This intimacy is what I long for; it’s why I felt so connected to the characters in Ana’s story. It’s also why I wanted to delve a little deeper into the emotional side of intimacy, hoping to share it with others.  I envisioned a three part miniseries about intimacy that would lead in to the interview with the author.

So I started with a blog post about non-sexual intimacy from the male side of things, relating to men in wartime situations, specifically the “Band of Brothers”.  I wanted to do my next post on female intimacy, including women from “A League of their Own”, “Pride and Prejudice”, Thelma and Louise”, etc…. But I just couldn’t feel a connection to the piece I was attempting to write. I realized that I was too infatuated with Kat and Natalie.  How can I possibly compare other intimate female relationships to theirs? Their relationship was perfectly imperfect, including all the emotions that come from a real intimate relationship.

I have to be honest, I got kind of depressed for a few days, because I couldn’t articulate how I felt. 

The truth is, I need intimacy in my life. I crave the intimacy that comes from a smile, words of affirmation, a good laugh, and from a much needed spanking.  This is what my muse was trying to tell me all along.  My desire to lead into an interview about a subject that I feel so strongly about (intimacy), was not just about the interview.  It was about my need to express WHY I loved these characters so much. It was borne of my desire to share the same intimacy that they felt in their story. (While I understand that these are fictitious characters, I believe that their needs are the same as mine.)

I found a ton of cool information about human intimacy, including the types, and stages, non-sexual, sexual… Since I am talking about non-sexual intimacy this time, I decided to keep it short and talk about the stages. Here is a quick recap.

There are five stages of intimacy (1 being lowest, 5 being highest).

1.  Safe communication – an example would be, chatting with the barista at Starbucks. There is not much of a risk of being rejected. In the south, we walk past another person and ask, “Hey, how are you doing?” (We really don’t care, and don’t even slow down for the answer.). It’s safe.

The next three include:

2.  Talking about other people’s opinions,

3.   Expressing our own opinions,

4.   And letting people know our feelings and emotions.

The vulnerability increases with each step, finally leading to the final stage.

5.   Our needs, our desires, our deepest emotions- This one involves the most trust.  If we can’t trust the other person not to hurt us with this information, we won’t give it to them.  Family and spouses gain this kind of intimate relationship, by proving that they will not hurt us.

So, where does that leave me?

And, where does spanking fit into all of this?

When I allow my husband to spank me, I am giving him my whole body, my mind, and my soul. I am trusting that he won’t hurt me physically or emotionally.  I am letting him see a vulnerability in me that I don’t share with others. My hopes, dreams, and psyche can be killed with one unkind word.  Yes, the act of receiving a spanking hurts, but through it, I release all of my previous tension and guilt and negativity.  Because of his firm, but loving attention, I am finally free to talk about what is really bothering me.  He listens and empathizes, which creates a feeling of safety in me. I feel loved, secure, and emotionally safe. I feel like I am a woman of worth with valid feelings and needs. After I have fully released all the emotions that were holding me down, I feel strong, relieved, loved. I feel at peace.

This is what the intimate act of spanking does for me.  It does not always include sex.  Sometimes, it doesn’t even include words.  It is nonverbal affirmation between my spouse and me, of love, security, intimacy, and most of all, trust.

This is why I fell in love with the main characters from “The Way Home”.  I don’t know if their relationship is sexual, and honestly, I don’t care.  I love the intimacy that they share.  They have built a relationship on trust and deep emotion that is proportionate to the fifth stage of human intimacy.  Their words and actions built a strong foundation in the emotional and stability that each of them needed. And in an imperfect world, their actions also hurt each other. That’s reality, even for fictitious characters.

Please join me on Sunday, March 24th. I will be chatting with Anastasia Vitsky about intimacy, relationships,   and of course, spankings from her new book, “The Way Home”.

Thanks for stopping by.

*Note- I have been trying to keep my posts short, so as not to overwhelm the readers. I know this means I have to cut a lot of big information sometimes. If you want me to expand on what I have written, please say so nicely in comment form. We can discuss a lot of this in further detail through the comments section. Or, if enough readers want me to gab on a little bit more, let me know. I love to converse, babble, yak, gossip…


3 thoughts on “Non sexual Intimacy post 2 – my needs

  1. Anastasia Vitsky

    What a lovely post, and what wonderful thoughts. I’m sorry I’m just seeing it now. I’m following your blog, but I don’t get the email notifications. Grr! I see I have missed more than one. I’ll put up a post with a link on Facebook.

    You have such a special way of looking at things, and I’m so glad that this spoke to you.

  2. Pingback: Non sexual intimacy – An interview with Anastasia Vitsky | Katherine Deane - Adventures in Romance

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