Non sexual intimacy – An interview with Anastasia Vitsky


Those of you who have been following my blog, know that I started a mini series of posts on non-sexual intimacy a few weeks ago.  This has all been leading up to the interview with the author of the book that started all my reflections.  While it isn’t a secret that I love the sexual side effects that come from a well spanked bottom, I also believe that the intimacy involved in this type of act doesn’t always have to lead to sex.  I feel that non-sexual intimacy is an important part of any relationship whether the relationship is sexual or familial.

In my first post, I talked about male relationships, and used The Band of Brothers as my example.

In my second post, I explained what I need in an intimate relationship, and how spanking can sometimes fulfill some of those needs for me.

Now it’s time to meet the creator of the characters that epitomize the love and intimacy that I longed for.  Anastasia Vitsky, author of “The Way Home.”

Katherine:  Welcome, Ana. Thanks so much for taking the time to talk with me about Kat and Natalie and the intimacy in your story.  I loved it!  And I appreciate you giving me the chance to get to know you and them a little better. By the way, this is the first author interview I have ever done. Thanks so much for being my first interviewee. 🙂

Ana: Thanks, for having me, Katherine.  I’m happy to be your first interview.

Katherine:  I have been talking about intimacy, more specifically non sexual intimacy, for the past few weeks.  I believe that spankings as an intimate act, can be either sexual or non-sexual, depending on the relationship and timing.  What are your views on non-sexual intimacy – spanking, or otherwise?

Ana:  Sex is overrated. Don’t throw tomatoes (or perhaps I should say cucumbers) at me, but listen for a moment. We are constantly bombarded with the message that “sex sells”, but I refuse to believe that sex always sells all the time for all people. There are many times and people who crave the intimacy that cannot be brought by sex.

The intimacy of a non-sexual spanking is one of the most precious kind of intimacy possible. To truly love and mentor someone, what Mira in Desire in Any Language calls “agape love”, is the pinnacle of emotional connection.

Katherine: I love the idea of Agape love. It makes me think of a mother and her baby, their love is unconditional.

Katherine:   Speaking of unconditional love, did something happen between Natalie and her little brother’s births? (Both she and her mom seemed to have some sort of void to fill, and quickly connected with Kat.)

Did they experience some sort of loss that increased their need for the intimacy that they both receive from Kat? How was their connection so easily made?

Ana:  These are wonderfully insightful questions. I wish that I could answer them for you, but I don’t want to spoil it for readers who haven’t finished reading The Way Home. Let me instead give you the hint that the answer appears in chapter eight when Kat visits Natalie’s family for Thanksgiving.

(I actually wrote a post about Mama Jane’s connection with Kat, but it does contain the spoiler. )

Katherine:  Wow! Your real-life Mama Jane was amazing! I feel very warm inside right now, after reading about her unconditional gifts of love.  I’m so happy you found a way to thank her for her love, but to also share it with others. All your readers are recipients of her love also. Thanks for sharing her with us.

Katherine:  I find it very interesting that all the characters that show any depth of emotion are female. Is the purpose to promote some sort of feminist sensibilities, or is it to show the readers the different levels of intimacy that are possible? (Throughout the story, I saw the following intimate relationships; maternal, grandmother, sister, best friend, care taker, mentor, and disciplinarian. None of them showed an inkling of sexuality, yet they were all very intimate in their relationships)

Ana:  As a matter of fact, Natalie’s father serves as an emotional centerpiece to the story…but we won’t get to see the full depth until the sequel comes out on June 6th. There were so many difficulties for Natalie and Kat to work through in the first book that Natalie’s parents don’t play as much of a role yet. However, in the second book we will see that Curtis may not speak much but that he is most definitely head of the family.

The reason for the emphasis on female characters is simply that traditional stories tend to neglect stories of women in their own right. Especially in television and films, unless they are specifically marketed to a female audience, we have tend to have stories of men’s girlfriends, sex objects, lovers, mothers, and neighbors. Look at Big Bang Theory, for example. Men’s stories are great, but I’ve never been interested in following the majority. Women have rich and interesting lives, and I love to tell their stories.

Also, a practical reason is that I feel more comfortable writing female characters.

Katherine: Ooh, I can’t wait to see more from Curtis.

It really stinks that women are usually back up characters or sex objects in mainstream  shows. Women are so much better at showing their emotions without appearing weak. In fact, a good female empathizer is strong, capable, and can be trusted in difficult situations. I’m thankful that you are focusing on that, especially because I have daughters. I don’t want them to ever think they are incapable or undeserving of anything, just because they are females.

Katherine:  Did you have a special woman in your life that influenced you to create Kat or Natalie?  Their intimacy seems so real. They seem so connected that I have a hard time picturing them as just fictitious characters.

Ana:  People usually don’t believe me about this, but Kat and Natalie are not based on anyone in my real life. They’re real because they’ve lived in my head for almost as long as their relationship. I think it’s been thirteen years since I first wrote their story. By the way, I wouldn’t suggest to Kat that she’s fictional. She doesn’t like it. 🙂

Katherine: Oops, sorry about that, Kat. That spanking did seem pretty real.

And I guess it makes sense. If they have been with you for that long, they have been able to embody the personal relationship that you were desiring. And, as you explained, their relationship is real to them, so I will try to remember to call them “friends” and not “characters” from now on. Especially, if I can get some home baked cookies from one of your friends. chocolate chip? pleeeeease? 🙂

Katherine:  Ana, thank you so much for talking to me today. Your intimate writing inspires me to go outside my own comfort zone. I feel connected to you and the special women at the heart of  your stories. I love that you are confident enough to deviate a bit from mainstream, and write the real stories that make us think about our own relationships.   And I appreciate you helping me out with my first interview. Keep us posted when your next book comes out. You know I will be one of the first in line! And I will want to  do another interview, of course 🙂

Ana: I think it’s wonderful that you are exploring different ways of writing. There is a way of writing for each kind of writer, and sometimes what “deviates” from the norm is what makes our writing the most special. I hope that you will find your own with without trying to imitate anyone else. You have a neat voice and heart for writing, and it shows. Best of luck to you.

Katherine:  Thanks for the great advice, and for chatting with me.


12 thoughts on “Non sexual intimacy – An interview with Anastasia Vitsky

  1. Corinne Alexander

    I loved delving into the topic of intimacy along with you as you took this journey. I’ve mentioned this before in a review of Editorial Board how healing reading it had been. That only continued in The Way Home. I think I take for granted how blessed I’ve been with female intimacy in my life. I have incredibly nurturing & open relationships with my Mom, daughters, & Aunts. However, this helped me explore my early relationships with female friends that were incredibly intimate yet did not meet the needs I had at the time. I did not know how to articulate this other side of me and the need for that nurturing guidance that is represented so well with Natalie to Kat. I definitely had a reconciling of parts of myself I had unknowingly disconnected or maybe not understood. I am so lucky to have my husband, who is my best friend. I am fulfilled in being able to be open & honest with my needs and he to me with his. Male/female relationships are so much different though. We just function differently, process differently, & relate differently. Each type of relationship is uniquely designed to meet different needs. Natalie & Kat have something even more intimate, but even they rejected and hurt each other at times too. I think it’s much more beautiful to read about than experience. I think that is because we see it more objectively as a whole when we stand outside of the experience.

    1. katherinedeane Post author

      Corrine, you have such a talent for explaining exactly how I am feeling. 🙂 I agree that M/F relationships are so much different than F/F. It has taken a very long time for me to open up and really trust other women. Some of my past experiences with other women were very competitive and manipulative. Now, that I am starting to get more comfortable with myself, I am able to more easily form relationships that I couldn’t.
      Thanks for your friendship and support. 🙂

  2. Patricia Green

    Wonderful interview, you two. I enjoyed it for both its depth and its honesty. It was fascinating to delve into the origins of these relationships. Makes me realize what I’ve been missing!

    1. katherinedeane Post author

      Thanks so much, Trish. I really appreciated Ana’s willingness to be so open also. It was a fun joint venture trying to bring everything into a light that everyone could understand. 🙂 Thanks for reading and replying 🙂

  3. pao

    How insightful! Ana’s stories spoke to me by giving a term to what I’ve yearned for and have had. Reading the stories, your intimacy posts and hearing others discuss it makes me not feel so weird 🙂 What a way to end your miniseries!

    1. katherinedeane Post author

      Yeah! That was what I was hoping for! I am so happy to hear that Pao. I felt the same way after reading Ana’s stories. I was hoping that we could bring it all together. She did a great job! Thanks, Pao 🙂

  4. Pingback: Love without Labels: The “F/F” of F/F Fiction | governingana

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