How much harder is it for him?


How much harder is it for the HOH?

I had another moment of clarity this morning.

(Of course, it was about 3 am – when I had been doing a lot of great intellectualizing. Hehe, I bet that’s not even a word. But since it is 8 pm, and not 3 am, I am going to keep it. It sounds cool)

I have been whining off and on for the past few weeks;

  • Hubby doesn’t understand my needs.
  • He hates spanking me.
  • He must not respect me, since he is not reading my blog posts. (Come on, the post with the author of the western brothel, was one of my wittiest- it was very entertaining! *insert pout*)
  • He is not consistent (I have been getting away with faaaaaaar too much spending this past few weeks)
  • Yaddi yada, whine, pout, etc…

Then I finished a review for a spanking romance, in which the roles were reversed for a very short amount of time. (By the way, this main character was also a lady of the night. And I loved it! I’m not sure what that sais about me, besides the fact, that I might have a desire to spice up my own night life a bit more 🙂  ) Sorry, I lost my train of thought for a moment. Next time I am going to write the post at 3 am, when it originally comes to me.

I lay in bed thinking about the role reversal, and was adamant that I, unlike the heroine from the story, could do a much better job being in charge.


Who the heck was I kidding?

I tried to picture the “walking a mile…” scenario. Guess what, I couldn’t do it any better. In fact, given my proclivity to over-reaction and hyper sensitivity, I would probably be a horrible HOH.

(But I do have a Napolean complex. At 5’2, 108 lbs, that has got to be good for something, right?)

I tried to look at it from his perspective, analyzing some of the difficulties he faced in the HOH scenario.  Here is the brief list I came up with.

 1.  I was asking him to do something he was not comfortable with. Yet he was still willing to oblige me, because he loves me.

 2.  I was asking him to read my mind and body language, even though communication is not one of his best suits. Even straight talking can be uncomfortable for him.

3.  I reminded him not to top with too much emotion (especially anger)

4.  But I became resentful when he did sessions too robotic or without enough emotion.

5.  Sometimes, I asked him to make me cry, and take me further than he was comfortable taking me. So he did his best, working through HIS discomfort, finally calling a stop when he thought I might get hurt. (as it turns out, I don’t cry during “discussions”. Ironic, eh? That will be explained further in another very interesting post about crying)

6.  I would ask him not to stop, even though he could see it was getting very painful for me, and I was wincing or crying out, or shimmying all over the place. That must be very difficult to do to someone you love.

7.  I placed my complete trust in him to stop before it was too much. That is a pretty big responsibility for him.

 8.  I still wanted an equal partnership based on trust and mutual respect, yet I would sometimes “brat” to get his attention. (ok, more than just sometimes )

 9.  And I expected him to accommodate my sexual needs in addition to, as well as my spanking needs. (Nothing like adding a little performance pressure to an already stressful situation)

Holy cow! When I think about the intense amount of pressure I have put on this man, I am speechless!

Well, loss of speech actually does not come to me very often. Usually, I just come back with a very dumb quip, or a retort that would have made sense, three comments earlier.  Thank goodness for the age of online writing. Now I can eloquently articulate my thoughts, and may even remember to delete this part later.

But the point is, I am very thankful for my husband, my lover, my HOH, my friend.  I have been asking a lot of him, by asking him to do all of this. And he has been working pretty hard at it. (Of course, since I am the Subject Matter Expert, I will probably always see ways for him to improve )

But maybe, just maybe, I could try to cut him a little slack. He is making tremendous progress with on the spot corrections. (Hello! He swatted me in front of his cousin, last weekend!) And he is getting better at addressing me when I start losing control.

And to be perfectly honest, if he had just taken charge and jumped into an authoritative, “I’m gonna spank you whenever I want, little girl,” demeanor, I might have been a little scared.  In this sort of relationship, maybe slow and easy is a good way to go.

Besides, the maintenance, and AFTER maintenance sessions, are becoming very enjoyable – for both of us. *insert evil grin*

Thank you to my hubby, for putting up with me through all of this. I appreciate your efforts. And I dang well know, 100%, there is no way I could do your job. The HOH is too difficult a job for me. It’s all yours.

I may even stop topping from the bottom.

Well, maybe a little. 🙂

* special note – hubby read and gave his approval for this blog post. He even decided on the awesome pic seen above. (It was either that, or a funny pic of a really frazzled guy. I can understand why he chose the Super Man – he is one!) *

10 thoughts on “How much harder is it for him?

  1. Renee Rose

    Beautiful insights, Katherine, as always. We’re definitely on the very slow easing into schedule and while I’m sometimes jealous of what others have going, it makes sense to have patience with a vanilla partner who’s trying their best to oblige…

    1. katherinedeane Post author

      Thanks, Renee!
      I’m sorry, I did not even think about linking your stories. JIC you didn’t notice I was talking about you 🙂 told ya’, 8-11 pm is not my best “thinking” time 😦 grr. And that is probably all I have available for oh, the next 12 weeks 🙂 LOL

      You’re right though, about the vanilla partner. It is hard for both when one just doesn’t quite get it. But at least he is really trying. Good luck!

  2. Natasha knight

    I think HOH must be a ton of pressure. Topping from the bottom in a way I think is necessary at first if you introduce this as the bottom, but agree that the mode of communication must change at some point. Hey, he swatted you in front of his cousin!! That’s major progress, yes?? Looking forward to the crying post. That’s weird, I know.

    1. katherinedeane Post author

      LOL, I am very good at topping from the bottom, Natasha.
      YES! Our house has an open floor plan, and his cousin was in the living room, right across from our kitchenette!
      LOL 🙂
      I’ll work on the crying post next. (I had plenty of material from today’s end of school year activities)
      🙂 thx!

  3. Daddy

    Great post, KD. I have reminded many new TiH’s that they have to let their HoH be their man. I hate the term Topping from the Bottom, and sometimes it does more damage than good. Trying to always see both sides is all you need to do, and then let it happen. Good luck to you and yours! X

  4. Sheri Savill

    Katherine, not that you asked, but it sounds like a very special relationship to me. It really does. Lots of honesty and communication, and willingness to work on things. So important. Such a gift. As is your ability to write – beautifully said, IMO.

    1. katherinedeane Post author

      Thanks, Sheri.
      I definitely have to work on my open and honest communication. I have no problem doing it semi publically for the blog, but seem to find it much harder to do with him. 🙂
      Thanks for your kind feedback 🙂

    1. katherinedeane Post author

      Thanks, Casey.
      I don’t like this thinking in the middle of the night stuff. It means I might just have to get out of bed, and write. Ugh. I am going to be so crabby in the mornings 🙂
      Good luck with your 3 am writing. If I’m ever up, I’ll log in, and see if you are up too!


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