SRR – Round Table Discussion – The Vanilla Spouse

round table blank graphic


Most of you already know I am in an LDD relationship with my sweet hubby. And many of you have probably figured out from my posts and gripes that I am the Spanko, and he is pretty much the, um, Vanilla, who is willing to try, even though it is not his thing.

He’s a pretty great guy.

Well, a few years ago, we were not happy in our marriage. I was an angry, manipulating, bratty, pushy wife, who made both of us miserable. I bet you’re thinking it was before DD.

You’re wrong.


It was actually the first 6 months into our DD adventure, and a few months beforehand.

I’ve told the story before, about how I stumbled upon DD, and knew in my heart that it was for me; how I asked my husband to spank me (not for fun or sex) ; that he laughed because it shocked him; and that I wasn’t upset because I had read some really good books preparing myself for his reaction.

What I have not shared, is how obsessed I became with DD, and all things spanking related. I was a wrecking ball of spanking information ready to toss it at my husband at a moment’s notice.

My favorite couple and blog were a couple named Clint and Chelsea, and I spent hours reading Clint’s blog. I spent even more time, regaling hubby with my newest “Clintism”.

“Well, Clint says you are supposed to be more consistent with me.”

“Clint had a great article on non-physical punishments, honey.”

“Chelsea got spanked because…” (I don’t actually remember now 🙂 )


I practically demanded that he get his booty online and start learning about HOH’s, and spanking, and his duties as my leader.

LOL, yes, you heard right, I demanded that he let ME submit to him.

Pretty screwed up, eh?

It was a dreadful few months for us.

It was already hard enough for the poor guy to get into any spanking activities, because it wasn’t his thing. Not like it is for me, anyway. But he still tried. He did his best, and he asserted his authority, and even started spanking me.

A little at a time.

Until I started squirming. LOL, if I even breathed the wrong way, he stopped.

Gah! It was so frustrating! I was so angry at him for not being a Spanko.

He did not get it.

He didn’t understand that suddenly, this whole new world was opened up to me, and this world finally fit me – perfectly!

He would not go online and meet other HOH’s (he felt that most men who were in that relationship, were most likely power hungry jerks getting off on the authority)

He would not read any of the information about proper spanking technique, warm up, implements, consistency…

LOL, he is the typical male when it comes to direction. He will figure it out himself or die trying.

And it didn’t help that I pushed so hard. Besides emasculating him, it also made him not want to try to do any of it.

Which made me lash out even more.

Vicious cycle, right?


We finally came to a point where I could not take it anymore.

We were seriously miserable, and were at a very low point in our marriage.

I respectfully asked him if I could go to a disciplinarian. I had found her online when searching for spankers a few months earlier.

Ok, I’ll be honest. I know it probably doesn’t shed me in a very good light, but I was desperate at the time. I needed to be spanked so badly. And my husband was not willing at first.

This woman was so nice and caring. She understood what I was asking over emails, and phone, and finally a lunch date. She got it. She knew what I needed.

And she was willing to give me the spanking I desired, (for a fee of course. She is a professional), with one albeit.

I needed to be perfectly honest with her whether I was going to go with my husband’s knowledge or without.

She was cool enough to not judge or lead me either way. This was my decision to make.

But we both agreed that, in the long run, it would not help my marriage if I did it without his approval.

I wanted so badly to just go behind his back, and do it. Get that harsh spanking I had always wanted, the one that would bring me to tears, and would release all my negativity.

I was torn.

If I asked him, and he said “no”, I would resent him; if I went behind his back, I would feel guilty.

I finally decided to go the upfront route.

I told him that it was not a reflection on his skills, or his manhood, but that I wanted to go see (and pay) this woman, to have her spank my bare bottom.

It took several weeks for him to mull it over.

During this time, I slowly realized how much I was torturing him because of my disrespect and anger.

I backed off, and let him have his space.

And then something clicked for both of us.

He wanted to lead, but did not want to be forced into it.

I wanted to follow, and wanted him to want to lead – but only if he wanted to.


I was pleasantly surprised when he gave me my first real punishment.

Compared to now, the spanking was nothing but a long warm up, LOL.

But at that point, wow, it was intense!

And wonderful!


The next day, he agreed to let me go see the disciplinarian. Miss Aria.

We agreed that her husband would not be in the house, and that only she would have access to my bottom.

I would love to share my session with her, but I’m running out of space for today. So that will be saved for another post. 🙂


So all in all, this has a happy ending. It took both of us a while to get into our roles, and figure out what we wanted.

Our communication definitely got better!

He is and always has been a good leader. I just wouldn’t let him. I was too wrapped up in my own wants and needs.

And I have apologized to him for that.

He has also (not exactly apologized, but as close as he can come 🙂 ) mentioned an acknowledgment that he is not as much into the lifestyle as I am.

And that’s ok.

I’ll probably gripe every once in a while, about consistency, proper technique, implement usage, a longing for real corner time, and just one mouth soaping (just to try it).

But then again, in our relationship, I am the subject matter expert, on spanking.

I guess it’s in my blood. 🙂

I am happily married to a vanilla man, who is willing to add some flavor to our relationship. This month’s flavor- Twizzler red booty. Stripes and all!

I’ll try not to complain too often.


Thanks for stopping by today! Please head on over and visit the other cool blogs. There are lots of different viewpoints and experiences to share. 🙂

Happy spankings!

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26 thoughts on “SRR – Round Table Discussion – The Vanilla Spouse

  1. Roz Harrison

    Great post Katherine! I can totally relate to the “you’re supposed to do zyx” and thr Clint isms lol. I did the same thing. It’s hard in the beginning not to push to get them to lead the way we want them to lead, but ultimately it won’t work until we ‘allow’ them to lead there way.

    I’m glad you two figured it out and that your husband is able to give you what you need. Would love to hear more about your session with Miss Aria 🙂


    1. katherinedeane Post author

      Thanks, Roz! 🙂
      Too funny that you did the same thing. I guess we really push for what we want.

      I will definitely post about that session. It was very eye opening and a lot of fun!
      And I had bruises on my bruises for a week! (maybe longer, I don’t remember. I just know it was a pretty long time).

  2. tarafinneganromance

    ROFL, Katherine. Can I just say you really needed a damn good spanking!

    OK I’m kidding. I think obsessing is pretty normal when you start into this. I know I certainly obsessed. Every single thing, no matter how innocuous it might have seemed was a potential spanking implement to me at the beginning!
    You were really brave to consider the Miss Aria option and discuss it with hubby. I hope you share your experience with us one day

    1. tarafinneganromance

      Gah, hit the wrong key and ended up posting before I was finished..
      It seems that your hubby is a really great man, willing to agree that you try a discipline session. It took a massive amount of trust on his part. It shows how sensitive he was to your needs. Definitely a keeper!

      I am so happy you are getting DD to the point where you want it to go. And that it is enriching your lives.

      Thanks for sharing in such a frank and intimate way. It took great courage. I very much admire your ability to evaluate yourself. Really amazing post.

      1. katherinedeane Post author

        double gah! I replied too early!
        Thanks , he really is a good guy.
        And we are definitely getting our footing more secure in this thing.
        Don’t get me wrong, I still complain a bit about wanting him to want to explore and play.
        But I probably cannot have it both ways, so I will try not to complain too much.
        Thanks so much!

  3. Casey McKay

    It does become a bit of an obsession in the beginning, doesn’t it? And so frustrating when you feel like it is not all happening the way it’s supposed to. I think that is a common theme.

    I think it really does all boil down to communication and respecting each other’s feelings. I love when you share your real life stuff. I agree with Tara that you were brave to seek someone outside of your relationship.

    Thanks for sharing, and you are allowed to complain once in a while because nothing is perfect and no one is perfect and sometimes we just need to complain about it!

    1. katherinedeane Post author

      Thanks, Casey! Yes, I remember some of our conversations about this exact topic. 🙂
      And thanks for letting me vent every once in a while.

  4. Thianna D

    Topping from the bottom. LOL I can just imagine your husband’s reaction.

    I’m glad for you that your husband has come around. Living a life where you cannot get what you need is not a fun one. *weg* And maybe your husband can make a rule “Absolutely no Clintisms…ever!” lol

    It makes me think of all the male newbie subs I’ve met over the years who wanted me to dominate them. Err, no, can never happen. I definitely can’t do that. Though, if they get annoying, I always tell them… well, no, I won’t go into that here 😉

    1. katherinedeane Post author

      Yes, LOL, Thianna!
      I was totally topping from the bottom 🙂 I think I still catch myself doing that. I wonder if I am not as submissive as I thought. ?????

      No more Clintisms- good call! Even though they are great blogs and pieces of advice, it probably never helps to tell a man what he could be doing better, I guess. 🙂

      LOL, I would have liked to have seen you as a Domme.

  5. Natasha Knight

    You should definitely post about your session with the disciplinarian. I’d love to read it. I remember those first months for us too and they were not good. It was almost to the point where it was not worth the disappointment. It took some work to move beyond that but we have. We too are not perfect but it’s a world of difference to a year ago. I had to giggle at ‘if I breathed wrong, he’d stop’ – I get that. It was for a long time like ‘hold your breath. Don’t squirm. You don’t want him to stop. Don’t criticize…etc…’ I think we need to post annual updates on our progression.

    I liked this topic, thanks for hosting. 🙂

    1. katherinedeane Post author

      Thanks, Natasha! I definitely will 🙂
      Did I ever tell you, when I was really upset early on, that I wished I could be hypnotized to forget about my spanko side?
      I can so empathize with your early days, because I was the same way. I actually hated the disappointment so much, I wished I could forget about all of it and make it go away. 🙂

      Annual updates sound like a great idea!
      Let’s do it!

  6. Megan Michaels

    I am like Natasha I love the part of not breathing wrong. Good grief, if I move a little he is saying, “did I hurt you?” I said to him recently I don’t even think that is possible at this point, just do it–if it gets out of control I will yell “Red” trust me. LOL. I am the pendulum has swung to the center. It sounds so familiar to me. This was a great topic, so glad you raised it and definitely you need to do a post on the disciplinarian. Such a brave move on both your parts, it shows how much trust you both have in each other. Totally enjoyed this!

    1. katherinedeane Post author

      Thanks, Megan!
      LOL, isn’t it funny how we are all kind of in the same boat of “more, harder, more!” Red sounds like a great idea! Good luck!
      Thanks, I’ll post about the Disciplinarian session soon.

  7. coreyharperbooks

    Excellent narrative of the progression you went through, Katherine, and I’m happy that you have found your balance with your hubs. Not knowing one needs a spanking makes life difficult; knowing, and not getting, can make it excruciating. Brava to you. 😉

    1. katherinedeane Post author

      That is EXACTLY it, Corey! You just explained it perfectly.
      Before knowing about spanking relationships, I just kind of wondered why I wasn’t happy, why I was so off at times, why I couldn’t control certain things, and why I would get angry when I pushed and he backed away.

      But then after we agreed to start (and it good Lord, it went sooooo slowly), I became so frustrated, because I finally knew what I wanted, and had it within my grasp. But could not reach it for anything.
      It was so upsetting.
      Thankfully, it has come so far. We both have.
      Thanks so much for stopping by.

      1. coreyharperbooks

        My pleasure, Katherine–I enjoyed your read. And as for knowing about spankos needing a spanking, and when, I’m quite clear and adept at the “maintenance”. 🙂 I can see it on her face, hear it in her voice, see the look come into her eyes when that craving starts up. A girl who needs to be spanked, simply *must* be spanked or she can go out of her mind. Period.

      2. Addy Raine

        “A girl who needs to be spanked, simply *must* be spanked or she can go out of her mind. Period.” Can I use this forever? This hits the nail on the head perfectly.

  8. Claire Colinsgrove

    Great essay! Feel like I know you much better. I also have a vanilla spouse who doesn’t understand the DD aspect of spanking. Unlike you, I never made much progress in getting him to be more dominant with me. It’s not his thing. He’s not a pushover, but he’s not a Type A, take charge, dominant type of person either. He’s an emotionally supportive, nurturing sort of person, which is great but that only satisfies a certain part of me. But what can ya do? Life, and marriage, is never perfect. He does like my butt and “booty-spanking” so at least we share that part.

    1. katherinedeane Post author

      I think you have totally hit the nail on the head about the “perfect marriage” aspect, Claire.
      Thanks! You’re right! No spouse is ever going to be perfect. We just were blessed that we could find some middle ground. He is never going to love spanking and think about implements all day, like I do. But he does like the sexual side of it, and will do the disciplinary and maintaining sides to help me stay in balance; so it works for us.
      I’m glad you guys have your good sides of spanking too!
      About the female disciplinarian:
      I was scared sh**less, and had vowed I would never submit to a female again, after a lot of emotional abuse from some females in my past.
      But we kept it light, so I did not freak out.
      I will share the whole thing in another post.

      LOL, I remember the “good old days” when matriarchs liked to wield their wooden spoons and hairbrushes angrily. I did not enjoy those spankings. LOL.

      Thanks for stopping by, and sharing yourself also!


  9. Claire Colinsgrove

    Katherine, I meant to add that I think it’s so cool that you’ve been spanked by a female disciplinarian! I was spanked by a woman once –not counting being spanked as a kid by my Mom and this bitch teacher who paddled me in the sixth grade … LOL — back in the late 1990s when I was single and meeting up with people from the spank kink scene. She spanked me with a hairbrush and it hurt like hell! It’s the only time I ever cried from a spanking and the only time I ever did the after-spanking dance. Also the only time I ever had the use the “safe word.”
    The funny thing was, after the pain went away and I quit crying, I was the one consoling her. She was a very experienced top and was very upset with herself that she’d taken me past my pain tolerance. I was like “there, there. Don’t be upset. It will be OK!” LOL

  10. Joelle Casteel

    aww what a wonderful story, how you had to learn to give your husband the space, time. I enjoyed how much thought you gave to seeing the disciplinarian. I think it’s always

    1. katherinedeane Post author

      Thanks, Joelle!
      I think that is something I need to remember with him.
      space and time
      I think you accidentally cut off early, but I am going to assume you were saying something about communication.
      Thanks for stopping by!

  11. Beauty's Punishment

    I actually read your post right after it went live. The next morning I was talking with Jolynn about it, since she doesn’t get a chance to read everything during the week.

    Sounds like you were bratting since you didn’t get your way, but at least you guys worked it out. That was cool of him to let you go see Miss Aria.

    I’ve had a Dom chase me through a Munch and spank me on the other side in a booth since I was being bratty, and was trying to egg him on. It was a fun chase though. 😉

    1. katherinedeane Post author

      OMG, I think you are probably right. I have done a lot of bratting. (insert sheepish look). I’m trying to stop, but it really does come naturally to me.

  12. Addy Raine

    Oh wow. I didn’t realize all of this. My hubby is kinky but I realize I was doing almost everything you just described and it made everything crash and burn. When I can “let go” and give him space I have a feeling it will work itself out. I am looking for alternate spanking methods, similar to you I need to be spanked. It took a long and winding road to realize it but I thank you so much for posting this! What a great topic. ❤


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