I’m coming out!
To my sisters!
There’s a very good chance this post is going to go all over the place. I have so much to share! It’s huge! It’s meaningful, and it’s a big deal to me.
So bear with me today. I promise I will try to smooth everything out, and make it easier to read. And next time, I will definitely keep it more succinct.
But today, here’s the no-holds barred update.
It’s 9:06 am, gluten free chocolate chip muffins are baking in the oven, and my kids are outside playing – happily- for the first time all week. They are sisters, and they love each other. They are close in physical and emotional age, and are absolutely each other’s BFF’s. Except for when they are together 24×7 for a whole summer.
I used to have something like that. Sisters, younger sisters, who adored me (and as I have recently found out…) looked up to me. Me! Never having much in the way of self confidence, that statement surprised and pleased me to no end. I have always loved and adored my little sisters.
(LOL, no, this isn’t what we look like. But we did have a ton of fun playing Charlie’s Angels, and even did a photo session together, using Angel poses.) 🙂
Even though we grew apart over the years (mostly because of geography), there was one thing that kept us together.
But life being as it is, brought small disagreements into the mix. They became larger due to timing issues and inability to hook up- even on the phone. Families were formed, creating an even bigger relationship gap.
And when I finally had something huge to share, with my own lifelong best friends, I had to lie about it.
How could I trust that they would understand and support my fetish, when we couldn’t honestly communicate about the smaller issues.
And when I had the biggest moment of my adult life (after marriage and kids, of course), could I tell them?
Could I tell them I was Katherine Deane, spanking romance author, DD’er, and follower of all my erotic minded friends?
Believe me, I tried.
I started with the elder of my two younger sisters, the woman known for her open mindedness.
And to her credit, she told me it wasn’t her cup of tea, but that she would supportive.
But thankfully, I had online friends who understood and supported me.
Three days ago, I celebrated my birthday.
And cried for most of it (and the preceding 24 hours).
I couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me.
My best (online) friend, Corinne, called me to wish me a happy birthday, and I bawled my eyes out.
I cried about my loneliness.
My utter craving for attention, and for REAL people to not only get me, but to accept me and like me.
I felt sad and alone because the people in my real life, the ones who live less than a mile away gave less love and birthday support than the online community of people (whom I don’t even know their real names or ages, or what they truly look like).
I was so utterly alone and so desperately wanted attention, I felt in that moment, that I would do anything to get it.
Luckily, a great phone call from my bff (whom I still have never met), and a long hard spanking from my husband; took the edge off.
I was able to function again.
And that’s when the most remarkable and awesome thing happened!
My sister, Evie, called to tell me that she finally understood.
Her husband had mentioned (ok, this guy must be highly intuitive!) that I must feel pretty lonely. (um, he said to my sister, almost verbatim what I expressed above.) Freaky, eh?
She understood my hesitancy to share with “real” people.
Here’s what happened when she tried to tell a friend about my writing.
( I warned you about the ramblings. sorry 🙂 )
She had befriended this nice woman who seemed an awful lot like me.
It turns out, Evie actually was excited about my new book coming out. She just didn’t know what to do with the information.
She started telling her new friend that her sister was an author, and that she was really excited about her new book.
When the friend asked what type of book it was, Evie was hit with a feeling of uncertainty.
So she explained that it was racier than a normal romance.
What followed was a huge condemning tirade about the evils of lust, and my sin over trying to lure people into coveting actions.
Evie was furious, and ended the conversation, while nicely telling the new friend off.
That’s when she called me yesterday.
She felt horrible. She had never known that I was living in fear of that kind of judgment.
She finally also understood, that her lack of true “on hand” support, made me feel just as judged.
She finally got it!
Even though I was slightly perturbed by the other woman’s reaction, I was so overjoyed by my sisters’ realization, that I let it go.
We celebrated together:
<The growth I have made, emotionally, over these past few years.
<The fact that I had finally found something that I not only enjoyed, but that I also had the potential to become good at. (LOL, grammar might not always be my forte though. I speak / write fast! )
to be a part of my life; how much I needed their support.
It was the most amazing conversation.
And the heavy, aching weight lifted from my chest.
I have also been thinking about bringing L (our littlest sister), into the mix. I have hated “lying” to her, and have missed her also.
Evie reminded me that L is a lot more open minded than I have given her credit for, and more importantly, that she misses our ‘three sister’ relationship.
So we invited her to read that “hot new book” by the brand new author that we both adore, and want to support.
(ok, there is a bit more to it than that, but I shortened above for the sake of reading. 🙂 )
I don’t know how she will react.
It will hurt if she reacts negatively.
But I want to give her a chance to get to know the real me.
They are my sisters.
My true REAL LIFE best friends.
And at the very least, I choose not to lie to them anymore about who I am.
So please wish me luck, send energy or hugs or prayers.
I am Katherine Deane, sexy spanking romance author, DD’er, and first and foremost,
one of three
I hope they will accept me.
Wish me luck!