Are we still playing? (Anal play vs punishment)

 

Ok, I know I am not officially part of SRR’s Round Table Discussion. But I had so many thoughts on this, and really wanted to say something. (I just got really busy with life stuff; bikeathons, Roman diorama’s…) 🙂

Corinne Alexander posted a fantastic topic. Anal play and punishment.

Wow, I certainly have some conflicting views on this topic. (Sometimes it depends on the mood I am in)

But mostly, it depends on the wording.

  • Punishment
  • Consent

The two most meaningful words for me in this discussion.

 

Consent:

First of all, I’ll just say that I find anal play in stories I read, to be highly erotic and arousing.

Holy cow, it’s hot! Especially when done in that grey area between consent and non-consent. (Like I said, it depends on the mood I am in, and whether or not the MC actually enjoys the receiving.)

Don’t get me wrong, I like the whole “No, I don’t want to… Mmmm, well, okay, maybe… yes! Yes! Yes!” dynamic. I know it is grey. If the character is written as concluding with a wonderfully drawn out happy climax, then I like it.

I like consent.

It doesn’t have to be verbal. It can be done physically, like a shifting of the hips, or a groan of approval, or a POV shift to show her transition to enjoyment.

So that’s where I stand with the word “consent”.

 

Punishment:

Punishment might mean something very different for me than for others. And that’s okay. We all have our own terms and definitions.

Some talk about playful punishment and the façade of domination and humiliation. Now that, for me is HOT. Definitely hot.

I love the idea of that fine line between pretend and reality, where my HOH is reacting so harshly, I have to stop for a second and ask, “Are you actually mad at me?”

Once he has winked and affirmed that we are in fact playing, I’m good to go.

Remember, I’m a people pleaser. The thought of someone close to me actually being that angry with me, hurts far worse than any punishment ever could.

So play – is hot!

But we don’t play as often as I would like. 😦

I’m not in a BDSM or playful relationship.

Our relationship is more along the lines of Domestic Discipline. (I’m going to stop labeling us, because our relationship is evolving and shifting.)

My husband is my HOH- my leader, my protector, sometimes, my teacher.

 

Our real punishments are not done for play. They are done to teach, correct, and help me release the guilt over a transgression.

Play, fun and pleasure are not a part of it.

I have given my blanket consent, by agreeing to be in this relationship.

So there really is no safe word, and the consent is there.

I just have to trust that he won’t abuse my vulnerable position.

 

I can see very good teaching points in some anal punishments:

  • Butt plug – holy cow, the humiliation and fear of being discovered, not to mention, the extreme discomfort… (Okay, we have not tried our set of plugs yet, but after trying some other penetration, I know I would not care for the feeling  :))
  •  Ginger root – Okay, been there done that! Yikes! That sucker gets so hot! I’ll admit, I was also extremely aroused by this play. But I can see how this would be an excellent punishment.

I’m good with each of those.

 

But when the terms punishment and pleasure come together- that’s where I have to draw the line in my relationship.

 

When my HOH delivers a punishment, it is about loving direction and guidance. It is about firmly teaching a value, or imprinting a necessary consequence.

(I’m about to get a little graphic. Be forewarned)

 

If my husband were to punish me for something we had previously agreed on – let’s use overspending as an example – I would submit to it, trusting he was punishing me for my own good.

If he chose to have me wear a butt plug during the day as a reminder to not overspend, I would understand, and wriggle around in my very tight jeans, and regret that stupid mishap at the Disney store.

Hehe, no worries. 🙂

If he were to embarrass me, and cause me extreme discomfort through figging, once again, no worries. I believe that would be within my realm of acceptance for a punishment.

 

BUT

If he we to decide to have anal sex with me as part of my punishment…

In other words, part of my punishment would be the act of his large penis penetrating my very tight and hurting, bottom hole.

AND

He were to become not only aroused by this act, but would also take pleasure in it, by climaxing…

 

Then in my mind, he would be taking pleasure in my punishment. He would be climaxing and enjoying hurting me.

 

My punishment is about learning and repenting.

My punishment should not give him pleasure.

If he takes pleasure from hurting me, then it will hurt me more than anything in the world.

Remember, I am a woman with high emotional needs.

So punishment with pleasure could not work for me without scarring me, and taking away something very important from our relationship.

My trust.

 

I have to trust that he will impart wisdom and strength in his leadership of me.

 

I know my view, and definition and needs are different than everyone else’s. So I choose not to judge my friends and their fetish. Whatever turns them on, and is agreed upon- hey, I won’t judge. 🙂

 

But for me and my relationship, it all comes down to the wording and the moment.

 

Anal play – HOT!

Anal play in fiction, when done in a way that shows some form of consent? – Whoa, momma! Definitely hot!

 

Anal punishment in real life – not necessarily hot. But acknowledged as a good device.

 

Anal sex in real life punishment – NOT! Not hot for me, not acceptable in my relationship. Hurtful to me and the relationship.

 

Ok, there’s my take.

🙂

Please be kind with your responses. It’s okay to respectfully agree to disagree. But I feel pretty vulnerable right now, having been so open.

Thanks!

Hugs!

(I included the round table link at the top. There are a ton of other fantastic posts. Feel free to stop by and see the other viewpoints 🙂 )

 

18 thoughts on “Are we still playing? (Anal play vs punishment)

  1. Addy Raine

    This is an incredible post! Very interesting and not overly graphic or anything. Really. I can totally understand your viewpoints. Thanks for the post, I really enjoyed it.

    I know RL vs novel is different and sometimes what pushes my buttons in a fake scene vs. what could happen in reality if I had that dynamic (sadly mine has changed) is blurred. Have an amazing day!

    Reply
  2. Joelle Casteel

    Even if you had to rogue to take part, I’m glad you did. My Master and I have a similarly hard to label relationship- recently He suggested that we’re a “kinky couple not a BDSM one” in discussing munches and labels. But yes, in so many ways, I am on the same page as you are on these things. Both my Master and I enjoy anal intercourse too much to even think of it being included in a punishment. For Him, if I’m not enjoying it, He won’t enjoy it- to the point of possibly not even having an orgasm Himself. Yeah, it’s hard in fiction, what works for me or not. Of course, on top of all the other factors one could have in liking something or not in fiction, I have the complexity of my mood swings and what that does to my reception of things.

    Reply
    1. katherinedeane Post author

      OMG, the mood swings! Ya! I’m not even menopausal yet ( at least I don’t think I am), and I can really make some huge turns in emotional output.
      And I get what you are saying about how that impacts reading also.
      It’s very interesting.
      Like sometimes, if I know I am not in a good place, then I cannot read anything heavy or sentimental, or I will go downhill quick.

      Thanks so much for reading and replying. 🙂

      hugs!

      Reply
  3. Aubrey Cara

    Katherine, that was beautifully said!! You have every right to feel that way. I think it’s completely understandable! Everyone has their own guidelines within their relationship and what’s acceptable or not. I may have a different dynamic with my hubs, but I totally get how someone could not desire (and be devastated) by their partner taking any level of enjoyment in a punishment they’re doling out.

    I think you explained your reasons well and certainly gave me a broader outlook. I’m someone who enjoys when my partner takes a level enjoyment in my punishment,(I’m a bit twisted and in a more playfully structured relationship) but I don’t think I’ve ever given it any thought until this moment.

    Great post 🙂

    Reply
    1. katherinedeane Post author

      Wow, thanks so much, Aubrey. 🙂

      I definitely would love to play a bit more. But it’s taking some time to get both of us on the same level.

      Time, right?
      🙂
      Thanks for reading and replying!

      Reply
  4. krblake

    Katherine, I have to say my point of view on this topic falls very closely in line with yours. I have trouble with the hero taking pleasure in dispensing pain through punishment, because, like you, I believe that punishment is dispensed as a part of discipline, and it’s meant to be a teaching moment. That said, if the book is not meant to be a romance, I’m fine with it. I don’t necessarily enjoy reading it, but I don’t feel betrayed by a possible love interest, which is how I view a hero in a romance.
    I realize each of us is different, so it would follow that we each have different buttons, which when pushed may bring us pleasure or disappointment, and that’s fine. We can try to understand and respect another’s point of view, but that doesn’t mean we share the same opinion. Nothing is absolute, and we learn as we live. I enjoy reading differing viewpoints because they open my mind to different ways of looking at things. I also love reading viewpoints that are in sync with my own, since they let me know I’m not alone.

    You wrote a wonderfully sensitive post, and I appreciate your courage in sharing your thoughts. The fact that I happen to agree with you is only icing on the cake.

    Reply
    1. katherinedeane Post author

      Thanks so much, Kathryn. I’m glad we’re on the same wavelength 🙂

      I haven’t read many non romance stories that included sexual acts, but I wonder if I would feel the same way. Being very empathetic, I bet I probably would be okay with it since I would not be putting myself in the main female character’s role. Hence, the betrayal wouldn’t be there.

      Hmmm, I need to venture out a bit, and see what happens. 🙂

      I love how you expressed the differing viewpoints, and how we can all accept and respect those views- even if not quite in line with our own. That’s what I love about our community, and this hop (that I’m not really part of this week, but am loosely attaching myself to, hehe;) ).

      Thanks for reading, replying, and the icing on the cake 🙂

      Reply
  5. Sheri Savill

    Love that you jumped in on this Katherine. Actually, I think I’ll do that sometime – never occurred to me that just because I miss a formal deadline or whatever I can’t still post about a topic, especially if it’s one I really would have loved to jump into. Great idea! And, I like that we’re all coming at things from different angles. God it would be DULL DULL DULL otherwise. Me, I’m always looking for something “new” and NOT the same ole (especially, in kinky *fiction*).

    Reply
    1. katherinedeane Post author

      I’m starting a new trend. 🙂

      The rogue replier
      belated banterer
      after the fact acknowledger

      hehe, that’s all my brain can think of for now.
      🙂

      Thanks, Sheri!

      Reply
  6. Jule Malin

    I really liked your post on this topic. I agree with everything you say. My husband would never take pleasure in hurting me. Glad your had the courage to post your views.

    Reply
  7. Renee Rose

    I am only just now warming up to the idea of actual sadism–someone deriving pleasure from the act of hurting someone else. Of course it’s the opposite side of my coin, and yet it usually didn’t flip my switch. I prefer the loving, teaching dominant. So I think in the past I would’ve been 100% with you– deriving pleasure from humiliation and real punishment = not cool. But I am starting to consider sadism more– but then, I think it’s in the first context you mentioned– the playful one. They derive pleasure from your pain, but so do you. So I think I’m still totally with you…

    Reply
    1. katherinedeane Post author

      But I know I have complained tons of times to you.

      “He doesn’t spank me hard enough!”
      “Not long enough.”
      “I just want to cry and beg him to stop.”

      I know I have a huge pain threshold, and do derive a ton of pleasure from it. Kind of confusing, eh?

      I guess for me, it just comes down to the symantecs.

      Thanks, Renee
      🙂

      Reply
  8. Meredith O'Reilly

    Katherine I loved this post. I think that you and I few anal play/punishment in pretty much the same way.

    A punishment for you should not bring pleasure to him. That’s one of the biggest turn offs for me in a story. How could a dominant who supposedly loves his submissive, get joy/aroused from causing her pain? To me that’s wrong. Again, I know a lot of people disagree.

    Like you said also, if done right, anal play can be really hot. If both participants agree and they go slow, it can be the hottest sex in a book.

    Great post! 🙂

    Reply
  9. Roz Harrison

    Great post Katherine, enjoyed reading your perspective. I totally understand whst you say about punishment and pleasure. It doesn’t work for me either.

    Hugs
    Roz

    Reply
  10. Cara Bristol

    Well said, Katherine. I think in fiction, the goal is to entertain. Real life is different. It is okay to enjoy something in fiction that one know for a fact one would not enjoy in real life.

    I think that deriving pleasure from someone’s pain is definitely on the bdsm side of the fence, rather than DD. I don’t personally enjoy the more extreme S/M stories because that notion of enjoying another’s pain makes me feel uncomfortable.

    Reply
  11. Jon

    I thought I agreed with you so totally but … why do I enjoy the voyeurism of watching the naughty girl get punished – clearly punished – with no thought to whether it is consensual or not?

    I think the answer is squarely in the difference between DD or BDSM, both of which should be safe, sane and consensual, … nope that isn’t it.

    The answer is trust. You trust your HOH to punish you for your benefit, not his. The s trusts the D not to exceed that which she has consented to in advance and to stop or slow should safe words be necessary. Both are exchanges. His penetrating you exceeds the trust you have given him to take you in hand.

    I guess … I like your words better than mine. Jon

    PS Anal play for run or punishment is erotic.

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s