Age Play vs Age BE

I stopped everything (I have the half ironed short on the bed to prove it) to write out this post quickly, because it hit me with such resounding clarity and confusion (hehe, in other words, I fully understand that I am confused, but know why)


There has been a really awesome conversation on spanking and age play in an online spanking group I am part of. It has opened up so many daggone questions for me.

And so many thoughts and so many realizations.

And once again- sooooooooo much confusion.

Anyway, the conversation was about the preferences in Age play (both for readers and real lifer’s), and there were a lot of different viewpoints.

Some like Age play, but only if sex is kept completely separate. (They called it clean or non-sexual AP)

Some like it, the darker and sexier the better. (I think I remember them calling it Dark AP)

There were people in the middle, who could take or leave certain aspects, as long as big things were present – like nurturing, caring, boundaries, guidance, love…

And then there were the people who wouldn’t touch AP with a ten foot pole.



My husband, the very vanilla (yet awesome, and I love him!) Head of our Household, can now, after two years, spank me, for pretty much any reason- YET

He still can’t say the word “Spank”. LOL, it is still called a discussion. And even when we are using a little hand on booty action for a sexual encounter, he can’t talk dirty or say anything that resembles the word “spank” or anything sounding like body parts.

He is in the “not with a ten foot pole” camp when it comes to Age play.

There are several factors to that:

He is still not comfortable playing sexually. And probably the biggest reason; we have young children. And we are both pretty tired from being “Mommy and Daddy”. The last thing we want to do is PLAY parental units.

At least, he feels that way, anyway.


I love the idea of being stroked on his lap, while he tells me I was such a good girl for ironing all his shirts, and cleaning up the kitchen. (If you know anything about me; just doing one of those tasks daily would put me in the VERY good girl category. 😉 )

Sometimes, I like the ideas of boundaries. More than just the HOH boundaries he instills. But maybe something like:

“You have been really grumpy the past few days, and have not been getting your chores done. You are going to go to bed at 9:30 pm for the rest of the week until you get caught up on some much needed rest.”


“Did you accomplish your goal of writing 1000 words, and clean up the kitchen, good girl?”

“Oh, you didn’t. Then I am going to give you some incentive. First, you will finish the kitchen clean up like you promised. Then you will write for one hour. No reading for you tonight, young lady. Not until you finish those tasks.”

“And one more thing, you will be doing it all with a very sore little bottom. Come here.”



So I can honestly say, the above is something I wouldn’t mind playing with every once in a while.

But here’s the biggest problem (besides hubby).


I don’t PLAY young.

I don’t ACT young.

I just am.

I be.

(hehe, I bet all the grammarists are having a field day with this one J )

Seriously, it is not in my makeup to act. I have never been a very good actress. (ask my parents and every teacher I ever had. I was the worst liar. I could not do it)

I can’t just ACT like a little girl (or probably, for me- a teenager) on a whim, because I want to play around a little with my pretend hubby/ daddy.

I can’t act – because I AM young and playful.

I like to skip and sing and act crazy. It’s who I am naturally. I like to climb trees and poles and ropes. And before my big head injury, ten years ago, I loved to do flips off from every single one of the above.

I love being energetic and silly and having no inner monologue (most of the time).

I love giggling and making indecent bodily function remarks.

I AM younger than my 40 something body shows.

It just comes naturally to me, much to the chagrin of my husband during dinner parties or when we eat out. (LOL, my character in my next book, paints a chocolate mustache on her face. I sent this picture to a few friends this past year. I think they thought it was funny. The wait staff at my favorite buffet still gives me weird looks, though. :))


Anyway, my biggest issue seems to be with the labeling, and the word “Play”. I don’t like being labeled. And I can’t play something that I already do naturally. So there’s issue number one.


Issue number two deals with sex.

I fall into the non sex for AP camp. For me, since all of this comes naturally and is NOT play:

I can’t have sex with someone I am looking up to for paternal love and guidance.

Because my mind would not be able to separate that.


So back to paternal love and guidance.

I have had crushes on so many older boys and men throughout my life. I would latch on to them as quickly as I could. I would flirt and brat a little, and maybe, make out a little.

But sex?

I did not really want things ever to go that far.

Now that I have really started thinking about it, I think there is a possibility I was looking for older males to guide me and take care of me. I was looking for a father or brother figure. (That’s why – no sex).

So I must have been looking for a father figure to fill that void that my own father didn’t.

And now that I am married to a wonderful man, who leads me and spanks me, and has sex with me (when little people aren’t piled in our bed, or we aren’t both passed out from exhaustionJ ); I find that I am still yearning for a bit more.


But I am confused about this desire:

Am I actually looking for a father?

Or a big brother?

If my husband did ever agree to try it, would it be called Age Play?

How can I play something I already do naturally?

And more importantly, how do I fill that void if neither of us can take that step?


Okay, there’s my deep thoughts for the day. J I still have to finish that shirt. And little people will be calling for snacks soon!

Happy Monday ❤

21 thoughts on “Age Play vs Age BE

  1. Ruth Staunton

    Katherine, sweetheart, I think you are unnecessarily hung up on the labels. If it works for you and the two of you, I don’t think it matters what you call it. I don’t “play” either necessarily, but I have said before that I think my dynamic (meaning my particular flavor of this thing we do) has elements of both DD and age play. There are moments when I feel emotionally younger and more vulnerable. I don’t need to dress that way or use the props necessarily, but it happens. Like you, I like some of the “parental” tone and language, like in your examples. Also like you, I cannot mix that part of my dynamic with sex. When I’m thinking and feeling like that, mixing the parental and the sexual just feels icky. As far as how to explain this to your husband, I’m not much help. I haven’t yet managed to find a partner who gets it. But just for the record, you’re not alone. Not at all.

  2. PK

    Until I began reading a little more on this topic about a year ago I barely knew it existed. I was surprised that I was drawn to it a bit. My husband is a lot like yours, it’s not something we’d ever do – but there are lots of thing I explore in my head that we won’t ever do, so that’s fine. When I explore in my head it would be ‘clean’ no sex. But it’s interesting. Imagine being able, for a while, to release ALL responsibility and to be cared for completely. It’s a thought.

    1. katherinedeane Post author

      I’m the same way, PK. Reading has totally opened my eyes to so much stuff.
      I love how you imagine it- It sounds really nice. I wonder if that’s what sells the idea. The idea of being free and without responsibilities, and loved and cherished…
      Thanks so much!

  3. Alex Reynolds

    Thanks for sharing such personal thoughts, Katherine!
    I think that the feeling that you’re expressing about simply “being” young as opposed to “playing” young is a common one. I know that I definitely feel that way. Age play doesn’t have to involve acting or pretending. It can just be about fostering a safe space to explore a side of your personality.

    The only times that I actually state that I’m playing a younger character are if Paul and I are doing a more formalized role-play scene: one where we decide before we start that I’m a school girl and he’s my teacher and blah blah blah. Otherwise, I just feel like I’m exploring a side of my personality. Just like I can be strong and in control or I can be demure and submissive, depending on context, I can feel like an adult or I can feel like a teen (or sometimes younger) girl.

    I’m more inclined towards my “younger” side. I naturally do a lot of things that others would identify as being part of an age play scene. They’re just the things that I enjoy. I like to dress in clothes that look very young (so much that despite having an obviously adult body shape, I sometimes get mistaken for a teenager by strangers) just because those are the ones that feel right to me. I like to skip around, pick flowers, jump rope, color, eat candy, play with stuffed animals and lots more. Most of all, I like to be taken care of when I’m being a little girl, and to have lovingly enforced rules and structure in my life. For me, this enjoyment in “young” feeling also applies to my sexuality. Some parts of it are dark and might be considered horrible by some, but incredibly erotic to me. Others are sweet and loving, and only seem dark if you look at it from an outside lens.

    But that’s just me. You don’t have to be into the same things as anyone else. You just have to do what feels right for you, fulfills your fantasies and works for both you and your husband. It doesn’t actually matter if it is or isn’t age play. There isn’t anything wrong with you if you do want a father figure, and there isn’t anything wrong with you if you don’t! The scenes that you described wanting in your life seem like they could really go either direction: they could be part of a DD type situation or they could be done with a more age-regressive tone.

    I think the main thing here is that you should talk to your husband about the things that you’re wanting. I personally wouldn’t phrase it in terms of age play, because that has a lot of different connotations to it and might make things more confusing than they should be. I would say something like “Sometimes I want to be taken care of and looked after in these ways” and then give some examples.

    We talk a lot about labels because they can help us to understand what we’re into, and they can be really important for the writing process, but you don’t need to feel boxed in by them! Just be you and enjoy being you!

    1. katherinedeane Post author

      Alex, I think I love you!
      You explained that so perfectly, and except for the sex part, I totally feel the same way.
      People usually think I am younger than 42- because of actions, facial expressions, and physical looks. (except for the wrinkles I am starting to get around my eyes. But there are lotions for that 🙂 )
      Thanks so much!

  4. koreymaejohnson

    I think you’re hung up on whether or not you like ageplay, whether you think it’s okay, and whether your husband will ever like it. A few years ago, I didn’t like ageplay and even looked down a little bit on anyone who did. Then James snorted and said something like, “The only difference between us and ageplayers is that you don’t call me Daddy.” What he meant was that he cuddled me and took care of me and made me feel loved and protected.

    Just because you want someone to hug you and cuddle you doesn’t mean that you need a daddy, you just want your husband to do those things because they make you feel loved and secure and that’s the type of attention you need. I don’t think we ever grow out of the need of feeling unconditionally loved and cuddled just because we leave home. I think a lot of us are attracted to older men because we feel more secure with them, because we have more faith in wisdom of older men, and wise people tend to make sure everything’s going to go alright. I don’t think that’s something that only “littles” look for. I think that’s part of several people’s allure for an Alpha-Male figure.

    Dirty talk is a bedroom go-to, not something to be ashamed about. That’s a place not to worry about anything, but to be honest and freaky. What is said in bed, stays in bed, and that’s supposed to be a place where neither party feels shy or embarrassed. It’s all about the turn on. Dirty talk, like calling your husband Daddy and him calling you little girl, comes easier the more often you do it. You just have to communicate before hand that you want to try it out, and a lot of times the man will really get over it if it also turns his crank. If it turns him off, however, then it might not work. It is important that your partner is just as comfortable as you are. This may mean that you have to meet in the middle. You probably wouldn’t feel comfortable calling him “little boy” for example, so if he really doesn’t like it, then it might be something you can just write about.

    I think the wanting affirmation and “good jobs” from a spouse is perfectly normal and doesn’t particularly have to be ageplay-esque, either. I think the “little girl” add could be just because that’s sort of an alpha-male line showing his dominance and authority with a single line, which can be hot. If it’s not that you want him to act older or act the caregiver, then you’re not playing. That’s just the relationship you have. It doesn’t have to be defined with any particular name and it doesn’t have to come with anyone else’s rules. So don’t feel nervous or anxious–just let your relationship flow in a way that both you and him are comfortable. You don’t have to play at anything, just let it happen and you’ll be where you need to be. 🙂

    1. katherinedeane Post author

      LOL, Korey, I am pretty sure we would both have issues if I called him “little boy”. He is totally Alpha, even though I “complain” about his vanillaness. 😉

      So there is a very good chance, I am where you were a few years ago. Thinking of it as a dynamic without the word “daddy” is perfect, and may make it easier for him to transition. Thanks!
      I love this conversation. Thanks so much ❤

  5. afteroldjoe

    I’m a bit confused when it comes to age play, too. I feel like I would separate sex, but then I reread some of my stories and the guy’s being all paternalistic, but does mix sex with the spanking, so I guess it turns me on to a point. I’d better go iron a shirt.
    – Angie Sargenti

    1. katherinedeane Post author

      Mmmm, I’ve read several stories like that, and loved them, Angie. 🙂
      Maybe I was okay with it, because the label wasn’t there. Sigh, I guess I really do need to get over the label thing.
      Thanks so much!

  6. Casey McKay

    Like the others I think you are worried about the labels and fitting into a specific box- isn’t that where the term TTWD came from? It’s This Thing We Do- it’s between you and your husband and what feels right for you- you don’t need to follow some kind of rules or guidelines or fit into some imaginary box.

    The same thing with Age Play in writing, there are different shades of it and different things people like to read. It will never be the same exact thing for anyone and that doesn’t make it right or wrong- it just is.

    1. katherinedeane Post author

      Good point, Casey! I know I have definitely started over thinking it because of the labels and tags with books. Does that make sense.
      I need to learn more about TTWD.
      Thanks ❤

  7. Meredith O'Reilly

    Katherine, the best thing about age play and any play for that matter is that you and your husband can make your own rules about it. No where does it say that you have to regress to a certain age or call him Daddy. You guys can decide what you like and don’t like.

    I think its normal to want to be cuddled and told that you did a good job. Everyone loves hearing that and it makes people feel cherished.

    Maybe you can try talking to your husband and explain to him that you want him to tell you good job or give you some cuddles whenever you do some thing good. Maybe gently bring him in to it. You guys don’t have to go super deep in to it.

    This was a super great post! 🙂

    1. katherinedeane Post author

      Can I just say,
      I LOVE being cuddled!
      yeah, I know that’s probably normal for everyone, but I am totally a people pleaser. So words of affirmation and snuggles and hugs…
      mmmmmm love it!
      Thanks, Meredith!

  8. Jaye Peaches

    When my husband and I ‘play’ we are ageless. In those private, intimate moments I feel youthful, energetic, for the most part ☺ and loved. The concept of introducing age into those precious times has never crossed my mind. He cares for me, as I do him, and treats me as his equal while topping away merrily. I have young, innocent daughters and I’m a creaky older mother, sometimes mistaken as their gran, yep the truth. I don’t pretend to grasp ageplay, so to eroticise it is even harder and I’m not judging those that do. I have other kinks which may exclude some people. I do understand those D/s couples who define themselves as Dd/lg, but those that I know don’t incorporate age play or only as a one-off scene. If ‘Daddy’ symbolises care, protection and security, then that’s fine by me.
    What we strive for in relationships is mutual respect. I don’t conceptualise clean or dirty ageplay, which ever , it’s just not me. Things may change by the time the kids have grown up, but by then I’ll be 60!
    thanks for sharing your thoughts Katherine and yes, it is confusing.

    1. katherinedeane Post author

      That sounds so awesome, Jaye!
      And good point about the judgment. Everyone’s kink is different in some way, and should be respected.
      I really like your symbolization of “daddy”.
      Thanks so much!

  9. Holla Dean

    A year or so ago I started writing an age-play book. It didn’t work. I scrapped it. Like you, the age-play and sex would have to be separate. It’s just not me and while I can read it, I can’t write it so I guess you could say that’s outside my comfort zone. And that’s okay. I found your post very interesting and I agree that it is confusing. I’ll just keep writing (and living) within my comfort zone.

    1. katherinedeane Post author

      That’s a great point, Holla! I also cannot write out of my comfort zone. And if you consider that I write about what I secretly fantasize doing in real life, then I must really want to be a paranormal, butt kicking fairy type. Booyah!
      thanks 🙂

  10. Megan Michaels

    As someone who has written age play (as you know), I definitely fantasize about it and I love reading about it. When my husband read my first book, the first thing he said was, “Do you want me to do any of this stuff?” I said, “No, not really. But I love when you call me your girl or ask if I’ve been a good girl.”

    That has now become part of our daily touch of age play. He texts me and says, “How’s my girl today” or “Have you been a good girl or a bad girl?” If I get too snippy in texting (we text a TON everyday) he’ll say, “Uh uh, bad girl. Wanna repeat that before you get in trouble?”

    I love that!! And it’s as far as we are comfortable. Both of us. It’s difficult having a daughter IMO. I know many of you think it’s because “I have young daughters.” But the truth of the matter is, that feeling doesn’t go away no matter how old they are.

    I agree with everyone else. Titles and categories and boxes just don’t fit most of us. We tried fitting into the DD category–it didn’t work for us. When moved to our form of D/s, we were much happier. Find your groove—find what fits you and your husband and everything else be damned. We have a form of D/s with a dash of AP and I have finally hit a point where I don’t care at all if it fits with someone’s expectations. You will too :)).

    1. katherinedeane Post author

      I love your husband’s texts! They sound awesome, Megan. And sexy 😉

      I think it might be time for us to venture out of our current relationship, just a tad, maybe test some more D/S waters. IDK.
      I’ll ask him what he thinks, soon.

      Thanks so much!

  11. Jon

    I’m in the ten foot pole group. The reason for me is in your words, words that really resonated with me:

    “I can’t have sex with someone I am [looking up to for] Giving paternal love and guidance.”

    I love my now-adult daughter as fiercely as any bear but can’t imagine any scenario in which sex would be or would have been possible or desirable. While I do not need a potential vicarious role as a character in every novel I read, (I don’t figure anywhere in the Story of O), if there is no possibility of my ending up in a character’s situation, why waste my reading time? I wouldn’t want to be the parent in such a situation; I wouldn’t want a parent whose cuddles became sexual.

    Thank you so much for helping my figure out what it is about age play that has set me apart.

    NB: No, I am not condemning ANYONE in a safe, sane and consensual relationship with kinks that aren’t mine. I LOVE giving and receiving cuddles, hugs and tender words. Jon


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