Today’s another personal kind of post kind of day, and more of an update on our DD journey, since I haven’t post much lately. 🙂
We have kind of backed off on the spanking aspect of our spanking relationship for the past six months. And for anyone who really knows me, the spanking part is the best part.
Don’t get me wrong, I love having his leadership and support all the time. I like that he takes my advice, but makes the hard decisions himself.
We both agree, it’s good he is in charge of the money. OMG, my Kindle activity is only a small sign of how flighty I am when it comes to money matters.
“It was a huge sale, honey,” I say, pouting.
“But we don’t need 5 gallons of milk,” he replies.
“It was Buy two Get three free. Come on!”
“What about the extra ten bags of vegetables?” he reasons.
“BOGO,” I explain, proudly.
Sadly, it all went bad before I could use or give it all away.
That should have been another spanking moment, and will definitely stay in my “list of potential scenes for a DD book” later.
But for now…
We have stopped spanking.
And it makes me antsy, a little sad, and a little, hmmm, I don’t know… lonely?
I like being spanked by him. Even when it starts hurting. And man, has he come far from the first days of,
“You want me to do what? To your what?”
Followed by a few soft swats.
Yes, he has mastered the quick swat in the middle of the kitchen while noone is looking.
And he is quite good at the warm up over his lap, at nighttime.
And if I were being perfectly honest, he is superb at the “Nu uh, you’re not done yet, I’m going to keep spanking you until I’m done.” Aspect.
But we had to take a break for different reasons.
We finally had a good long talk, last week.
I explained to him how busy his work is keeping him; how much I miss him; and I was really honest about this- how much I need some of his attention.
Especially, THAT kind of attention.
Being held in his arms, tightly after a good, hard spanking.
Crying—not from the spanking. I don’t usually cry from the pain. But I do cry because of the intimacy, or because I know I have hurt him or done something I should have done better.
Loving the intimate feeling of being so close to him, and knowing this is something neither of us will ever do with another. It’s our one special thing that belongs only to us.
I miss that feeling. I miss my husband. I miss the intimacy. And I miss feeling cherished and “seen” by him.
So we talked last week. And it was really good to lay everything out for each other.
We acknowledged his busy schedule, and my needing to be a little more patient (just hold on a while longer. Work won’t be like this forever). And his needing to be “there” for me a bit more often. I liked the open communication and resolution.
We had a fantastic night of reconnecting, which led into a great week of productivity for both of us. He got a lot done at work, and wasn’t quite as stressed out. And I actually started working on some story ideas again.
Unfortunately, this has been a rough week for him at work- the most intense and stressful yet.
He came home last night with the scary anxiety and heart signs that worry me. (especially since his father died of a heart attack, only a few years older than he is now).
I told the kids I would have to snuggle with them later, so I could help Daddy get settled in upstairs. I raced around like a mad woman looking for the cord to the daggone eight hour diffuser, and found just the right essential oils to calm and let him chill for a while.
When I finished setting everything up, he coaxed me onto the bed next to him, and pulled me against his chest. Then he started lightly swatting my bottom. And then, he finished by snuggling me against him again, and said,
“I know you are overdue for some attention, but I don’t feel well right now. If I felt even a little bit better, I would help you with a discussion (his word for spanking, since he can’t say the “Sp” word :)). But I really need to rest.”
That’s when I realized, how seriously awesome this man was. His willingness to acknowledge both a need in me and a weakness in him, was a pretty cool thing.
I also realized that I inadvertently added more stress to the poor guy’s already overflowing “To-do” list.
<Work a ton of hours, never get caught up, answer phone calls all night, 4 am deployments, and don’t forget to spank the wife.>
He was glad I had been honest with him about my needs for attention, but he was also stressing out more because he wasn’t accomplishing all his “tasks”.
So I took the burden back off his shoulders, and told him I didn’t want my requests to add any more stress.
I thanked him so so so so much for just acknowledging my needs and desires.
And I also told him that I appreciated what he had just given me, and that was plenty.
I just wanted him to get some rest and feel better.
And guess what. I meant it. I didn’t need a spanking.
So he rested, and came downstairs this morning, ready to start another day of stressful work.
He gave me something much better than a spanking last night. I hope I can give him something just as wonderful.
Anyway, there’s our update on the spanking side of things.
Thanks for stopping by!
Hugs and blessings
It’s been a while since I posted. This one is personal and DD related 🙂
I am heading out for a morning run as soon as I post this.
- Not because I understand the wonderful endorphin rush that comes from exercise.
- Not because I understand my body’s needs for Vitamin D, and glorious, wonderful sunshine.
- Not because I want to tone my body and get back into shape after a few funny remarks, from my daughter, about looking pregnant in my fold over skirt. (My body type does not do well with fold over skirts. Alas, time to put the yoga pants on again ;))
Nope, I am going out for a run because my husband told me to.
I have been fighting depression (actually, it’s more like super highs, followed by tremendous lows. But that’s for another post – depression and the creative person) for over ten years now.
Sometimes it stays away, and I am at my lovely homeostasis – fast talking, high energy, hilarious jokes (only the right kind of person truly gets this humor, but that’s okay 🙂 ), confidence, exuberance, motivated, on target with all tasks for the day.
Then a low hits. These lows aren’t the typical, “I’m feeling blue” blahs. They are more like the deepest, darkest place you could ever go, and you think everyone hates you- most of all yourself. Every imperfection that you once found endearing, charming or beautiful, has now turned sour and ugly.
When I get to this place, I can’t even crawl back out. And hey, for a 5’2, 110 lb’er that has always been overlooked, but has thrived on competition and showing people they are wrong about the little, hyper gal, that’s saying something.
It takes special friends, who talk to me on the phone or internet. They bless me with words of love and affirmation. They pull me up, enough, until I can finally get to a ledge, catch my bearings, and pull myself out.
Sometimes, these waves last longer than others, and come more frequently.
My husband knows that I have been fighting something this past few months. He doesn’t understand it. But he makes sure not to turn his back from it.
We backed off on the spanking part of our relationship a month ago, because I was becoming more resentful, angry, and depressed because he did not have time to spank me. This has been a source of confliction for both of us for a while now.
He doesn’t like spanking, but does it every once I a while, because I have explained I want (and sometimes,) need it.
We didn’t want to resent each other, or our relationship, so we backed off.
Last week, he called me on his way to work.
After another failed attempt at getting myself motivated for a productive day, he took charge.
“Okay, here’s what is going to happen,” he said over the phone. “You are going to go for a run before 9 am. Then you will come back and write. If you can’t write at that point, do a quick clean-up. If your thoughts come back to you, go write, and clean later. This afternoon, you will go for a walk.”
Excuse me? (ok, this angered me a bit)
Now, being the highly submissive woman that I am (slight bit of sarcasm hinted at in the previous phrase), I immediately replied.
“That’s so grrrrrrrreat! Thank you sooooooo much for your suggestion. I was already planning on going for a run, so we MUST have been vibing off each other. Thanks!” (gush gush gush)
His reply was less gushy. “I know what you’re doing, and no, you don’t get to control this situation. You ARE going for a run, and it is because I am telling you to go.”
This led to a few more minutes of open conversation, where I was able to tell him how tired I was, and how sad I had felt that he had hurt my feelings earlier (it’s silly. He didn’t bring me home something from his business trip, but brought home stuffed animal ducks for our kids)
“I wanted a duuuuuuuuuck!” I sobbed.
We talked a bit more, and got everything resolved.
Now, he knows that I want him to bring me something from his trips, to let me know he was thinking of me- that I am cherished and loved and remembered.
Now, I know that he still leads our household, even though he is not spanking me. I also know that no matter how much I initially hate him telling me what to do:
I’ll do it.
Because I like it when he tells me to do something, especially if it makes me feel better.
I like submitting to him.
And I like exercising in the sun.
I am off for a run, because he called me this morning, and told me to.
Hugs and blessings ❤
It’s valentine’s Day, and I’m not sure if I’m going to be grumpy yet. Usually, something happens to make one of us get busy or distracted, so we end up not really doing much. LOL, every year, I tell myself not to get worked up if we don’t do anything, or if I have to plan out all the details myself. (I am quite awesome at planning, though, and can be very creative when coming up with romantic ways to be together) 🙂
This morning, my husband greeted me in the kitchen, with a big hug and, “Happy Valentine’s Day.”
It was nice to snuggle in his arms and have him all to myself for a few minutes.
He then turned our bodies, so we were shifted away from the counter.
“What are you—“
He bent me over slightly at the waist, and smacked the back of my black, yoga pants.
(Okay, my yoga pants don’t say “Spank Me” on the back, but they do say “Spank me” subliminally. I should wear them more often. 😉
Three more crisp, hard swats warmed me up faster than any “Happy Valentine’s Day” could have done.
“Thank you,” I purred up into his arms.
Our youngest child yelled down the stairs, “Mommy, is that you calling for us?”
(I had lost my voice for a week and a half, and had to resort to clapping for the kids, when I wanted their attention. :))
“No, kiddo,” My husband chuckled, and bent me over again, just a tad, and smacked my backside again. “That’s just me making my own noise. If mommy wanted you, it would sound like this.” He smacked the palms of his hands together, creating a loud, clapping sound.
He called up to them and showed them the difference between the thuddy sound that he made, followed by the clapping sound that mom made, a few more times.
I giggled quietly into his chest, as he finished his explanations.
“Okay,” both kids called down, and returned to their game.
“Happy Valentine’s Day,” I snuggled into my husband and promised to thank him more appropriately, later.
I still don’t know if we are going to do anything tonight, but I guess I won’t be grumpy. He’s already given me a pretty good gift.
The gift of play.
I stopped everything (I have the half ironed short on the bed to prove it) to write out this post quickly, because it hit me with such resounding clarity and confusion (hehe, in other words, I fully understand that I am confused, but know why)
There has been a really awesome conversation on spanking and age play in an online spanking group I am part of. It has opened up so many daggone questions for me.
And so many thoughts and so many realizations.
And once again- sooooooooo much confusion.
Anyway, the conversation was about the preferences in Age play (both for readers and real lifer’s), and there were a lot of different viewpoints.
Some like Age play, but only if sex is kept completely separate. (They called it clean or non-sexual AP)
Some like it, the darker and sexier the better. (I think I remember them calling it Dark AP)
There were people in the middle, who could take or leave certain aspects, as long as big things were present – like nurturing, caring, boundaries, guidance, love…
And then there were the people who wouldn’t touch AP with a ten foot pole.
My husband, the very vanilla (yet awesome, and I love him!) Head of our Household, can now, after two years, spank me, for pretty much any reason- YET
He still can’t say the word “Spank”. LOL, it is still called a discussion. And even when we are using a little hand on booty action for a sexual encounter, he can’t talk dirty or say anything that resembles the word “spank” or anything sounding like body parts.
He is in the “not with a ten foot pole” camp when it comes to Age play.
There are several factors to that:
He is still not comfortable playing sexually. And probably the biggest reason; we have young children. And we are both pretty tired from being “Mommy and Daddy”. The last thing we want to do is PLAY parental units.
At least, he feels that way, anyway.
I love the idea of being stroked on his lap, while he tells me I was such a good girl for ironing all his shirts, and cleaning up the kitchen. (If you know anything about me; just doing one of those tasks daily would put me in the VERY good girl category. 😉 )
Sometimes, I like the ideas of boundaries. More than just the HOH boundaries he instills. But maybe something like:
“You have been really grumpy the past few days, and have not been getting your chores done. You are going to go to bed at 9:30 pm for the rest of the week until you get caught up on some much needed rest.”
“Did you accomplish your goal of writing 1000 words, and clean up the kitchen, good girl?”
“Oh, you didn’t. Then I am going to give you some incentive. First, you will finish the kitchen clean up like you promised. Then you will write for one hour. No reading for you tonight, young lady. Not until you finish those tasks.”
“And one more thing, you will be doing it all with a very sore little bottom. Come here.”
So I can honestly say, the above is something I wouldn’t mind playing with every once in a while.
But here’s the biggest problem (besides hubby).
I don’t PLAY young.
I don’t ACT young.
I just am.
(hehe, I bet all the grammarists are having a field day with this one J )
Seriously, it is not in my makeup to act. I have never been a very good actress. (ask my parents and every teacher I ever had. I was the worst liar. I could not do it)
I can’t just ACT like a little girl (or probably, for me- a teenager) on a whim, because I want to play around a little with my pretend hubby/ daddy.
I can’t act – because I AM young and playful.
I like to skip and sing and act crazy. It’s who I am naturally. I like to climb trees and poles and ropes. And before my big head injury, ten years ago, I loved to do flips off from every single one of the above.
I love being energetic and silly and having no inner monologue (most of the time).
I love giggling and making indecent bodily function remarks.
I AM younger than my 40 something body shows.
It just comes naturally to me, much to the chagrin of my husband during dinner parties or when we eat out. (LOL, my character in my next book, paints a chocolate mustache on her face. I sent this picture to a few friends this past year. I think they thought it was funny. The wait staff at my favorite buffet still gives me weird looks, though. :))
Anyway, my biggest issue seems to be with the labeling, and the word “Play”. I don’t like being labeled. And I can’t play something that I already do naturally. So there’s issue number one.
Issue number two deals with sex.
I fall into the non sex for AP camp. For me, since all of this comes naturally and is NOT play:
I can’t have sex with someone I am looking up to for paternal love and guidance.
Because my mind would not be able to separate that.
So back to paternal love and guidance.
I have had crushes on so many older boys and men throughout my life. I would latch on to them as quickly as I could. I would flirt and brat a little, and maybe, make out a little.
I did not really want things ever to go that far.
Now that I have really started thinking about it, I think there is a possibility I was looking for older males to guide me and take care of me. I was looking for a father or brother figure. (That’s why – no sex).
So I must have been looking for a father figure to fill that void that my own father didn’t.
And now that I am married to a wonderful man, who leads me and spanks me, and has sex with me (when little people aren’t piled in our bed, or we aren’t both passed out from exhaustionJ ); I find that I am still yearning for a bit more.
But I am confused about this desire:
Am I actually looking for a father?
Or a big brother?
If my husband did ever agree to try it, would it be called Age Play?
How can I play something I already do naturally?
And more importantly, how do I fill that void if neither of us can take that step?
Okay, there’s my deep thoughts for the day. J I still have to finish that shirt. And little people will be calling for snacks soon!
Happy Monday ❤
Ok, I know I am not officially part of SRR’s Round Table Discussion. But I had so many thoughts on this, and really wanted to say something. (I just got really busy with life stuff; bikeathons, Roman diorama’s…) 🙂
Corinne Alexander posted a fantastic topic. Anal play and punishment.
Wow, I certainly have some conflicting views on this topic. (Sometimes it depends on the mood I am in)
But mostly, it depends on the wording.
The two most meaningful words for me in this discussion.
First of all, I’ll just say that I find anal play in stories I read, to be highly erotic and arousing.
Holy cow, it’s hot! Especially when done in that grey area between consent and non-consent. (Like I said, it depends on the mood I am in, and whether or not the MC actually enjoys the receiving.)
Don’t get me wrong, I like the whole “No, I don’t want to… Mmmm, well, okay, maybe… yes! Yes! Yes!” dynamic. I know it is grey. If the character is written as concluding with a wonderfully drawn out happy climax, then I like it.
I like consent.
It doesn’t have to be verbal. It can be done physically, like a shifting of the hips, or a groan of approval, or a POV shift to show her transition to enjoyment.
So that’s where I stand with the word “consent”.
Punishment might mean something very different for me than for others. And that’s okay. We all have our own terms and definitions.
Some talk about playful punishment and the façade of domination and humiliation. Now that, for me is HOT. Definitely hot.
I love the idea of that fine line between pretend and reality, where my HOH is reacting so harshly, I have to stop for a second and ask, “Are you actually mad at me?”
Once he has winked and affirmed that we are in fact playing, I’m good to go.
Remember, I’m a people pleaser. The thought of someone close to me actually being that angry with me, hurts far worse than any punishment ever could.
So play – is hot!
But we don’t play as often as I would like. 😦
I’m not in a BDSM or playful relationship.
Our relationship is more along the lines of Domestic Discipline. (I’m going to stop labeling us, because our relationship is evolving and shifting.)
My husband is my HOH- my leader, my protector, sometimes, my teacher.
Our real punishments are not done for play. They are done to teach, correct, and help me release the guilt over a transgression.
Play, fun and pleasure are not a part of it.
I have given my blanket consent, by agreeing to be in this relationship.
So there really is no safe word, and the consent is there.
I just have to trust that he won’t abuse my vulnerable position.
I can see very good teaching points in some anal punishments:
- Butt plug – holy cow, the humiliation and fear of being discovered, not to mention, the extreme discomfort… (Okay, we have not tried our set of plugs yet, but after trying some other penetration, I know I would not care for the feeling :))
- Ginger root – Okay, been there done that! Yikes! That sucker gets so hot! I’ll admit, I was also extremely aroused by this play. But I can see how this would be an excellent punishment.
I’m good with each of those.
But when the terms punishment and pleasure come together- that’s where I have to draw the line in my relationship.
When my HOH delivers a punishment, it is about loving direction and guidance. It is about firmly teaching a value, or imprinting a necessary consequence.
(I’m about to get a little graphic. Be forewarned)
If my husband were to punish me for something we had previously agreed on – let’s use overspending as an example – I would submit to it, trusting he was punishing me for my own good.
If he chose to have me wear a butt plug during the day as a reminder to not overspend, I would understand, and wriggle around in my very tight jeans, and regret that stupid mishap at the Disney store.
Hehe, no worries. 🙂
If he were to embarrass me, and cause me extreme discomfort through figging, once again, no worries. I believe that would be within my realm of acceptance for a punishment.
If he we to decide to have anal sex with me as part of my punishment…
In other words, part of my punishment would be the act of his large penis penetrating my very tight and hurting, bottom hole.
He were to become not only aroused by this act, but would also take pleasure in it, by climaxing…
Then in my mind, he would be taking pleasure in my punishment. He would be climaxing and enjoying hurting me.
My punishment is about learning and repenting.
My punishment should not give him pleasure.
If he takes pleasure from hurting me, then it will hurt me more than anything in the world.
Remember, I am a woman with high emotional needs.
So punishment with pleasure could not work for me without scarring me, and taking away something very important from our relationship.
I have to trust that he will impart wisdom and strength in his leadership of me.
I know my view, and definition and needs are different than everyone else’s. So I choose not to judge my friends and their fetish. Whatever turns them on, and is agreed upon- hey, I won’t judge. 🙂
But for me and my relationship, it all comes down to the wording and the moment.
Anal play – HOT!
Anal play in fiction, when done in a way that shows some form of consent? – Whoa, momma! Definitely hot!
Anal punishment in real life – not necessarily hot. But acknowledged as a good device.
Anal sex in real life punishment – NOT! Not hot for me, not acceptable in my relationship. Hurtful to me and the relationship.
Ok, there’s my take.
Please be kind with your responses. It’s okay to respectfully agree to disagree. But I feel pretty vulnerable right now, having been so open.
(I included the round table link at the top. There are a ton of other fantastic posts. Feel free to stop by and see the other viewpoints 🙂 )
Phew, things have been busy for the Deane household. Sorry, I’ve been kind of incognito for the past few weeks. But here’s a brief update 🙂
On the personal side:
I’ve finally gotten into a rhythm with the home and family stuff,
I celebrated my 16th anniversary with my husband a few weeks ago (and received the hardest, most awesome spanking EVER! Ok, more details another time, but suffice it to say it was much needed and well received 🙂 ).
On the writing side:
I’m 7/8 (or maybe even 13/15) of the way through my first draft of a light, fun, spanking romance.
This one is about a small town girl and a hot fireman. 🙂 Mmm, fireman
Eric might look something like this:
That one was HOT, but maybe a little too pretty. Thoughts? 🙂
or more likely, this:
This is proving to be a light, fun story with lots of mischief and lots of spankings. I hope to finish it (officially!) within the next month.
Next on tap after The Fireman Calendar are:
- Morgan and Oz’s story (as a sequel to The Coach’s Discipline)
- Cindy’s story (a sequel to The Winter Storm)
- A paranormal (tons of action! Hot, young slayer and a dominant shifter :)) I’m probably the most excited about this one! Paranormal – and these specific characters- hold a very special place in my heart.
Anyway, that’s what is going on around here. (I call it ‘not so – controlled chaos’).
But I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Stay in touch!