I stopped everything (I have the half ironed short on the bed to prove it) to write out this post quickly, because it hit me with such resounding clarity and confusion (hehe, in other words, I fully understand that I am confused, but know why)
There has been a really awesome conversation on spanking and age play in an online spanking group I am part of. It has opened up so many daggone questions for me.
And so many thoughts and so many realizations.
And once again- sooooooooo much confusion.
Anyway, the conversation was about the preferences in Age play (both for readers and real lifer’s), and there were a lot of different viewpoints.
Some like Age play, but only if sex is kept completely separate. (They called it clean or non-sexual AP)
Some like it, the darker and sexier the better. (I think I remember them calling it Dark AP)
There were people in the middle, who could take or leave certain aspects, as long as big things were present – like nurturing, caring, boundaries, guidance, love…
And then there were the people who wouldn’t touch AP with a ten foot pole.
My husband, the very vanilla (yet awesome, and I love him!) Head of our Household, can now, after two years, spank me, for pretty much any reason- YET
He still can’t say the word “Spank”. LOL, it is still called a discussion. And even when we are using a little hand on booty action for a sexual encounter, he can’t talk dirty or say anything that resembles the word “spank” or anything sounding like body parts.
He is in the “not with a ten foot pole” camp when it comes to Age play.
There are several factors to that:
He is still not comfortable playing sexually. And probably the biggest reason; we have young children. And we are both pretty tired from being “Mommy and Daddy”. The last thing we want to do is PLAY parental units.
At least, he feels that way, anyway.
I love the idea of being stroked on his lap, while he tells me I was such a good girl for ironing all his shirts, and cleaning up the kitchen. (If you know anything about me; just doing one of those tasks daily would put me in the VERY good girl category. 😉 )
Sometimes, I like the ideas of boundaries. More than just the HOH boundaries he instills. But maybe something like:
“You have been really grumpy the past few days, and have not been getting your chores done. You are going to go to bed at 9:30 pm for the rest of the week until you get caught up on some much needed rest.”
“Did you accomplish your goal of writing 1000 words, and clean up the kitchen, good girl?”
“Oh, you didn’t. Then I am going to give you some incentive. First, you will finish the kitchen clean up like you promised. Then you will write for one hour. No reading for you tonight, young lady. Not until you finish those tasks.”
“And one more thing, you will be doing it all with a very sore little bottom. Come here.”
So I can honestly say, the above is something I wouldn’t mind playing with every once in a while.
But here’s the biggest problem (besides hubby).
I don’t PLAY young.
I don’t ACT young.
I just am.
(hehe, I bet all the grammarists are having a field day with this one J )
Seriously, it is not in my makeup to act. I have never been a very good actress. (ask my parents and every teacher I ever had. I was the worst liar. I could not do it)
I can’t just ACT like a little girl (or probably, for me- a teenager) on a whim, because I want to play around a little with my pretend hubby/ daddy.
I can’t act – because I AM young and playful.
I like to skip and sing and act crazy. It’s who I am naturally. I like to climb trees and poles and ropes. And before my big head injury, ten years ago, I loved to do flips off from every single one of the above.
I love being energetic and silly and having no inner monologue (most of the time).
I love giggling and making indecent bodily function remarks.
I AM younger than my 40 something body shows.
It just comes naturally to me, much to the chagrin of my husband during dinner parties or when we eat out. (LOL, my character in my next book, paints a chocolate mustache on her face. I sent this picture to a few friends this past year. I think they thought it was funny. The wait staff at my favorite buffet still gives me weird looks, though. :))
Anyway, my biggest issue seems to be with the labeling, and the word “Play”. I don’t like being labeled. And I can’t play something that I already do naturally. So there’s issue number one.
Issue number two deals with sex.
I fall into the non sex for AP camp. For me, since all of this comes naturally and is NOT play:
I can’t have sex with someone I am looking up to for paternal love and guidance.
Because my mind would not be able to separate that.
So back to paternal love and guidance.
I have had crushes on so many older boys and men throughout my life. I would latch on to them as quickly as I could. I would flirt and brat a little, and maybe, make out a little.
I did not really want things ever to go that far.
Now that I have really started thinking about it, I think there is a possibility I was looking for older males to guide me and take care of me. I was looking for a father or brother figure. (That’s why – no sex).
So I must have been looking for a father figure to fill that void that my own father didn’t.
And now that I am married to a wonderful man, who leads me and spanks me, and has sex with me (when little people aren’t piled in our bed, or we aren’t both passed out from exhaustionJ ); I find that I am still yearning for a bit more.
But I am confused about this desire:
Am I actually looking for a father?
Or a big brother?
If my husband did ever agree to try it, would it be called Age Play?
How can I play something I already do naturally?
And more importantly, how do I fill that void if neither of us can take that step?
Okay, there’s my deep thoughts for the day. J I still have to finish that shirt. And little people will be calling for snacks soon!
Happy Monday ❤