I am a grazer.
I hate that the only animal I can think of that grazes all day is a cow, not a good euphemism for me, but I’ll go with it. I really do need to graze all day. I can’t eat big meals, without causing a bunch of pain and horrible bloating that makes me look like I am in my second trimester. (At 5’2, this is an especially bad look for me). But that’s not the only reason I snack, taking in calories every two hours.
When I go longer than three hours without caloric intake, I get very crabby. My whole life revolves around making the people around me miserable.
Grr, at this point I hate everyone. A child’s high pitched giggling is sure to send me into a fit of rage. How dare they be happy right now? And heaven forbid they smile at me.
“Stop looking at me! Rrrrrow!”
If I wait much longer, I will get dizzy and light headed. Twenty years of eating disorders have wreaked havoc on my poor body. It’s my own fault. Body image and low self-esteem issues got me to this point. Thankfully, I am doing better now. But every once in a while, I get busy or forget to eat. Then the cycle begins, and I become someone else. Someone mean and hateful. Someone that takes pleasure in my own pain, and giving pain to others.
I am blessed to have someone in my life who knows me intimately, and knows the signs to watch for.
The last time I stood growling at him about dirt tracks on the floor, he calmly stopped the lunch preparations, and told me to eat.
“I don’t need to eat anything. I’m just tired! I’m not hungry! Don’t be so…
Mmmph! Mwo mwo…”
It was very hard to talk with my mouthful. He had just shoved a big piece of ham into my mouth.
Then he gave me THE LOOK
“Eat,” he raised his eyebrows and simultaneously lowered his chin. (Probably the sexiest look I have ever see on him).
I glared as I chewed.
He placed another piece in my mouth, a little more gently this time, so I decided not to bite his finger accidentally.
Less than three minutes later, I felt my whole demeanor shift.
Phew! My anger dissipated, the heavy dizzy feeling left, and I suddenly feel refreshed and peaceful.
“I’m sorry, honey,” I looked up at him, and smiled sheepishly, “I didn’t realize I was so hungry.”
I don’t know how my body reacts so quickly, if this is a blood sugar thing, or psychosomatic, but it really does happen this way. He has helped me through these situations more times than I would like to admit.
This is one of the responsibilities my HOH (head of household) has taken on. He doesn’t always spank me. He very rarely yells. And doesn’t get angry with me very often.
He is strong, calm, capable, and able to make decisions without excessive emotions. He doesn’t overthink things. And he makes decisions based on the needs of the whole (unit). He is not quite, but almost, my opposite.
Sometimes I lose sight of what our relationship is about. Being a spanko in a domestic discipline relationship, it’s easy for me to assume that all things should end with a spanking.
LOL, those are for my fantasy world, I guess.
But he doesn’t have to always spank me, or punish me, or lecture me, or remind me that he is in charge.
For instance, right now I am sitting in a coffee shop basking in the solitude. I am loving this little break that he has given me, by taking the kids off my hands for a while.
Even better, he is doing our first grader’s rain forest diorama, instead of having me do it (I am in charge of our daughter’s home schooling). But he could see how tired I was from the past few weeks of sickness, in law visiting, and spring break.
My body and emotions are SHOT! I have lost my temper more this past 4 days, than I usually do in a month.
He practically pushed me out the door, and very firmly reminded me that this was a chance for me to rejuvenate, and decompress, and to get whatever writing done I need to do, to make myself feel I accomplished something.
He also reminded me that I was, under NO circumstance, to come home crabby or having not accomplished something meaningful. The or else was implied.
He also gave me The LOOK, when I stood there micromanaging his diorama efforts instead of leaving. (I was still a little grumpy, and probably trying to start a fight. I don’t why.)
LOL, He may not be a natural spanker, but he is a natural dominant. He took me aside, and explained that he did not appreciate my attitude. He said that he and the children would be fine, and I needed to go, and stop trying to pick a fight.
Oh, that look. I’ll talk about his LOOK, and what it does to me, next time.
For now, I’ll just say, it did its purpose. It stopped me in my tracks, and centered me. It put me into a state of submission, and enabled me to let go of my pride.
As I walked out the door, I heard him directing our little diorama painters,
“Honey, make sure you paint up and down. The way a tree grows.” 🙂
So, now I am enjoying my freedom, sitting at the coffee shop, writing and reading, and occasionally looking over my shoulder to make sure no one is near enough to read words like “spank”, and “discipline”.
I am thankful that my husband watches out for my best interests, especially when I can’t see the real issues, because of my fatigue or hunger. It doesn’t matter what he does, he naturally takes charge. And I appreciate this.
Sometimes, he spanks, sometimes, he LOOKS, and sometimes he makes me take some time to myself.
all he needs to do is shove a little food in my mouth.
So I can say, “Thanks, honey. I didn’t realize I was hungry.”