depression | Katherine Deane

It’s been a while since I posted. This one is personal and DD related 🙂

I am heading out for a morning run as soon as I post this.

Why?

Not because I understand the wonderful endorphin rush that comes from exercise.
Not because I understand my body’s needs for Vitamin D, and glorious, wonderful sunshine.
Not because I want to tone my body and get back into shape after a few funny remarks, from my daughter, about looking pregnant in my fold over skirt. (My body type does not do well with fold over skirts. Alas, time to put the yoga pants on again ;))

Nope, I am going out for a run because my husband told me to.

Point blank.

I have been fighting depression (actually, it’s more like super highs, followed by tremendous lows. But that’s for another post – depression and the creative person) for over ten years now.

Sometimes it stays away, and I am at my lovely homeostasis – fast talking, high energy, hilarious jokes (only the right kind of person truly gets this humor, but that’s okay 🙂 ), confidence, exuberance, motivated, on target with all tasks for the day.

Then a low hits. These lows aren’t the typical, “I’m feeling blue” blahs. They are more like the deepest, darkest place you could ever go, and you think everyone hates you- most of all yourself. Every imperfection that you once found endearing, charming or beautiful, has now turned sour and ugly.

When I get to this place, I can’t even crawl back out. And hey, for a 5’2, 110 lb’er that has always been overlooked, but has thrived on competition and showing people they are wrong about the little, hyper gal, that’s saying something.

It takes special friends, who talk to me on the phone or internet. They bless me with words of love and affirmation. They pull me up, enough, until I can finally get to a ledge, catch my bearings, and pull myself out.

Sometimes, these waves last longer than others, and come more frequently.

My husband knows that I have been fighting something this past few months. He doesn’t understand it. But he makes sure not to turn his back from it.

We backed off on the spanking part of our relationship a month ago, because I was becoming more resentful, angry, and depressed because he did not have time to spank me. This has been a source of confliction for both of us for a while now.

He doesn’t like spanking, but does it every once I a while, because I have explained I want (and sometimes,) need it.

We didn’t want to resent each other, or our relationship, so we backed off.

Last week, he called me on his way to work.

After another failed attempt at getting myself motivated for a productive day, he took charge.

“Okay, here’s what is going to happen,” he said over the phone. “You are going to go for a run before 9 am. Then you will come back and write. If you can’t write at that point, do a quick clean-up. If your thoughts come back to you, go write, and clean later. This afternoon, you will go for a walk.”

Excuse me? (ok, this angered me a bit)

Now, being the highly submissive woman that I am (slight bit of sarcasm hinted at in the previous phrase), I immediately replied.

“That’s so grrrrrrrreat! Thank you sooooooo much for your suggestion. I was already planning on going for a run, so we MUST have been vibing off each other. Thanks!” (gush gush gush)

His reply was less gushy. “I know what you’re doing, and no, you don’t get to control this situation. You ARE going for a run, and it is because I am telling you to go.”

This led to a few more minutes of open conversation, where I was able to tell him how tired I was, and how sad I had felt that he had hurt my feelings earlier (it’s silly. He didn’t bring me home something from his business trip, but brought home stuffed animal ducks for our kids)

“I wanted a duuuuuuuuuck!” I sobbed.

We talked a bit more, and got everything resolved.

Now, he knows that I want him to bring me something from his trips, to let me know he was thinking of me- that I am cherished and loved and remembered.

Now, I know that he still leads our household, even though he is not spanking me. I also know that no matter how much I initially hate him telling me what to do:

I’ll do it.

Because I like it when he tells me to do something, especially if it makes me feel better.

I like submitting to him.

And I like exercising in the sun.

I am off for a run, because he called me this morning, and told me to.

Hugs and blessings ❤

Today’s post may be a little deeper than I had originally intended, but bear with me please. I want to talk about something that is important to me.

It’s the topic of bullying.

We hear about child bullying, and the devastating impact it has on its young victims. But what we don’t often hear about is adult bullying. It actually happens more often than we realize.

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Here are some general types of adult bullies:

(Taken from Bullyingstatistics.org)

Narcissistic Adult Bully – Self-centered and not sharing of empathy. Feels good about self when putting others down.
Verbal Adult Bully– Uses sarcastic or demeaning language to dominate or humiliate someone. This can lead to emotional and psychological stress and / or depression.
Impulsive Adult Bully – Spontaneous acts, and unplanned bullying due to their own personal stress.

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Bullying is so damaging to the soul.

I know because I was bullied by someone very close to me, as a child. And again, recently by an adult from the same social and professional circle.

It took me a long time to get over the pain and humiliation; the feeling of worthlessness, the embarrassment of knowing that I was not strong enough to confront these actions; the hopelessness that I had no value because of the demeaning and condemning treatment of this bully.

But I am posting today with a thankful heart, and a strong voice.

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I am not worthless.

I will not allow myself to be put down by someone else’s words.

I am a woman of strength and value, and will choose to accept what comes into my heart.

I choose whether to take unacceptable, degrading words from another; or to walk away – it is my choice, and this cannot be taken from me.

I choose to believe in myself.

And I choose to speak up.

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Bullying, no matter the form: Verbal, nonverbal, child, adult, man or woman – IS NOT ACCEPTABLE!

I am NOT thankful for the bullies in my life, but I am thankful for receiving the gift of growth from these events.

*****

After taking time off from the groups I had been so afraid to reenter, I learned that I was stronger than I had ever given myself credit for.

I made friends– true friends who accept me for who I am (quirky flaws and all 🙂 ).

I learned that I have a voice, and I can make it heard.

I learned to set boundaries for acceptable and not acceptable behavior.

And finally, I learned not to be ashamed to ask for what I want or need.

*****

Asking my husband for a stress relief spanking, is a lot easier now that I understand the validity of my needs. Sometimes, it’s embarrassing to be vulnerable. But I have finally realized that vulnerability towards a loved one, especially my spouse, does not make me less of a woman. It doesn’t define me. And with the strength that I am slowly building, I am becoming more and more comfortable speaking my mind and voicing my concerns.

*****

I am thankful for the growth and healing – that has come from these painful events. I am thankful for the scars. They don’t define me. I define myself.

Thanks for listening!

Here are a few more pics that I found. I hope you see one that you like. If you have any other great pictures or links about this important topic, please share.

Blessings, love, and safe community!

-Katherine