Tag Archives: emotion

How much harder is it for him?

superman

How much harder is it for the HOH?

I had another moment of clarity this morning.

(Of course, it was about 3 am – when I had been doing a lot of great intellectualizing. Hehe, I bet that’s not even a word. But since it is 8 pm, and not 3 am, I am going to keep it. It sounds cool)

I have been whining off and on for the past few weeks;

  • Hubby doesn’t understand my needs.
  • He hates spanking me.
  • He must not respect me, since he is not reading my blog posts. (Come on, the post with the author of the western brothel, was one of my wittiest- it was very entertaining! *insert pout*)
  • He is not consistent (I have been getting away with faaaaaaar too much spending this past few weeks)
  • Yaddi yada, whine, pout, etc…

Then I finished a review for a spanking romance, in which the roles were reversed for a very short amount of time. (By the way, this main character was also a lady of the night. And I loved it! I’m not sure what that sais about me, besides the fact, that I might have a desire to spice up my own night life a bit more 🙂  ) Sorry, I lost my train of thought for a moment. Next time I am going to write the post at 3 am, when it originally comes to me.

I lay in bed thinking about the role reversal, and was adamant that I, unlike the heroine from the story, could do a much better job being in charge.

HA!

Who the heck was I kidding?

I tried to picture the “walking a mile…” scenario. Guess what, I couldn’t do it any better. In fact, given my proclivity to over-reaction and hyper sensitivity, I would probably be a horrible HOH.

(But I do have a Napolean complex. At 5’2, 108 lbs, that has got to be good for something, right?)

I tried to look at it from his perspective, analyzing some of the difficulties he faced in the HOH scenario.  Here is the brief list I came up with.

 1.  I was asking him to do something he was not comfortable with. Yet he was still willing to oblige me, because he loves me.

 2.  I was asking him to read my mind and body language, even though communication is not one of his best suits. Even straight talking can be uncomfortable for him.

3.  I reminded him not to top with too much emotion (especially anger)

4.  But I became resentful when he did sessions too robotic or without enough emotion.

5.  Sometimes, I asked him to make me cry, and take me further than he was comfortable taking me. So he did his best, working through HIS discomfort, finally calling a stop when he thought I might get hurt. (as it turns out, I don’t cry during “discussions”. Ironic, eh? That will be explained further in another very interesting post about crying)

6.  I would ask him not to stop, even though he could see it was getting very painful for me, and I was wincing or crying out, or shimmying all over the place. That must be very difficult to do to someone you love.

7.  I placed my complete trust in him to stop before it was too much. That is a pretty big responsibility for him.

 8.  I still wanted an equal partnership based on trust and mutual respect, yet I would sometimes “brat” to get his attention. (ok, more than just sometimes )

 9.  And I expected him to accommodate my sexual needs in addition to, as well as my spanking needs. (Nothing like adding a little performance pressure to an already stressful situation)

Holy cow! When I think about the intense amount of pressure I have put on this man, I am speechless!

Well, loss of speech actually does not come to me very often. Usually, I just come back with a very dumb quip, or a retort that would have made sense, three comments earlier.  Thank goodness for the age of online writing. Now I can eloquently articulate my thoughts, and may even remember to delete this part later.

But the point is, I am very thankful for my husband, my lover, my HOH, my friend.  I have been asking a lot of him, by asking him to do all of this. And he has been working pretty hard at it. (Of course, since I am the Subject Matter Expert, I will probably always see ways for him to improve )

But maybe, just maybe, I could try to cut him a little slack. He is making tremendous progress with on the spot corrections. (Hello! He swatted me in front of his cousin, last weekend!) And he is getting better at addressing me when I start losing control.

And to be perfectly honest, if he had just taken charge and jumped into an authoritative, “I’m gonna spank you whenever I want, little girl,” demeanor, I might have been a little scared.  In this sort of relationship, maybe slow and easy is a good way to go.

Besides, the maintenance, and AFTER maintenance sessions, are becoming very enjoyable – for both of us. *insert evil grin*

Thank you to my hubby, for putting up with me through all of this. I appreciate your efforts. And I dang well know, 100%, there is no way I could do your job. The HOH is too difficult a job for me. It’s all yours.

I may even stop topping from the bottom.

Well, maybe a little. 🙂

* special note – hubby read and gave his approval for this blog post. He even decided on the awesome pic seen above. (It was either that, or a funny pic of a really frazzled guy. I can understand why he chose the Super Man – he is one!) *

Drawing the Line

**NOTE- You will probably be able to see that my emotions did another cool, “Let’s go on a roller coaster with K’s head” moment.  I am feeling better after saying my piece. And I have finally figured out where this next small blog series is going to go.

After this post, I hope to talk to a really great author about one of her books, and how it might apply to some of the feelings I have been having.

My next goal, is to talk to another awesome author friend, to gain some insight into the differences between DD, D/S, and BDSM.

But first, a personal post.

BTW, I am feeling better now. 🙂 **

drawing the line in sand

Drawing the Line

It’s time for another truthful post. I had a bit of a scary moment the other day.  I was thinking about how to get another spanking from hubby. Truth be told, I like being spanked. I find it comforting, cathartic, and a lot of times, arousing.  Sometimes, I think about spankings all day. I make up scenes in my head, where I get pulled over his knee for a firm but loving chastisement. I daydream about paddles, switches and canes, and the howling and begging that would come from these sessions. I don’t know why I feel this way. It confuses me, and shames me. Surely, a normal person wouldn’t have these feelings. Would they?

It reminded me of the conversation hubby and I had a year ago, at the very beginning of our DD journey.  He had figured out very early on, even before I realized it, that I was a Spanko. Not that he knew that term. But he did articulate that he did not think DD would work for us, because I seemed to like being spanked.  That was very humiliating. And it still kind of confuses and hurts me now.  But he had brought up a very valid point.

This conversation came back to me recently, and it really worried me.  I am in a DD relationship with my husband, whom I am supposed to love, honor and obey.  And most of the time, I do that. Well, to be perfectly honest, I try to do it. I try to submit. I try to honor him. I TRY not to roll my eyes at him when he is being a doofus. And I try to honor him by not calling him a doofus very often – especially not to his face. 🙂

I also need to make something clear. I am not a masochist or a pain whore, or any other term that goes along with someone who enjoys pain. I don’t enjoy pain.  I cry when I have to get a shot, I put off all dentist appointments.

(By the way, shouldn’t my HOH force me to go to the dentist to see about my cavities before they become root canals? That should seriously fall under HOH duties- drag wife kicking and screaming into dentist OR spank her every hour until she goes. I hate going to the dentist!)

I don’t wear underwire bras or tight jeans (both are too constricting and painful). I don’t have a problem with someone else being masochistic, if that’s their shtick, so be it. But it’s not mine.

Why am is saying this?

Because I am confused about my reaction to the spankings. It’s hard to comprehend my liking something, that I don’t actually like – PAIN. It makes no sense to me.

And it goes against the unwritten rule in the DD society.  The rule seems to be that there is a line between BDSM and D/S and DD.  If I want to be a true DD’er, I need to hate my punishments, and be humble and submissive to my HOH.

This confuses me, and makes me feel like a freak – A DD freak.  I do feel badly when I disrespect my husband, or treat him badly, or manipulate him. And I feel badly when he has to punish me over these transgressions, since I know how much he dislikes spanking me.  I feel guilty and sad.

But does it keep me from doing the same action at a later time?

No.

For someone reason, I crave his punishment. I don’t know if it is the connection, the fact that he is giving me 100% of his attention, or if it is actually the release from the spanking. I don’t know.

I felt like such a freak when I realized that his words from the past may have actually been true.

I like it when he spanks me.  Sometimes I like it more than others.  Sensual and good girl spankings are awesome! But maintenance and punishment spankings are good for me as well. In fact, sometimes they are better. He goes longer and harder for maintenance and punishments sessions. And I feel so much better when they are over.

Sometimes, I wish this THING in me would go away. I wish I could do some sort of hypnosis, and forget everything about spanking, DD, dominance and submission – all of it. If I could forget this part of me ever existed, I wouldn’t be so unhappy when he ignores my needs; or even worse, just doesn’t get it.

He just does not understand or relate to any of this. He doesn’t get turned on by words like “red ass”, “naughty girl”, or “Yes Sir”, like I do. I crave this dominance, the emotional connection, the release.  It’s such a big part of me. And it hurts that he doesn’t understand.

If I could make this go away, I would probably still walk through life feeling like there was something a tad bit off, but couldn’t quite put my finger on it, so I would let it go. But to know what I want, how I feel, and long for, so much I can taste it, and not have a fully reciprocating partner, is worse.  It’s humiliating.  It’s depressing. It hurts.

Which brings me back to my first point.

Why do I feel this way?

What the heck is wrong with me?

How do we combine my need for the HOH / DD lifestyle with my obvious positive emotional feelings towards each session?

I have seen the proverbial line.  The real DD’ers submit; they don’t enjoy their spankings, and they sure as heck don’t manipulate their HOH’s into spanking them. 

So where does that put us? Are we even doing DD? Am I asking for something else?

D/S, BDSM?

Where does my freakishly square peg fit?

Where is the proverbial line?

Does there even have to be a line?

Does it make me less of a DD’er if I admit that I have a little kink in me? (Little, obviously being an understatement)

Where does someone like me fit in?

Hopefully, after a little chatting with my good friends, I will have a better handle on some of this.

But for now, I really am happy to be in a DD relationship with my hubby. But I’m also embarrassed and sad that I don’t seem to fit the normal DD bill.  I am still longing for that next spanking, and am also humiliated by this desire.

So, what’s next?

Am I a freak or not?