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I have been eagerly awaiting this month’s round table discussion on Domestic Discipline!
In fact, I have been so excited to share my journey and thoughts on DD that I waited until the last minute to write my post! It wasn’t that I was procrastinating. It’s just that there were so many possible things for me to talk about.
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I could have talked about my initial fears of being unaccepted, or laughed at when I explained my needs to my husband.
I could have talked about my need for the grey area between DD and sexuality.
I could have very intimately explained, how close we came to divorce, because of our fights and poor communication at the beginning of our DD journey.
I even thought about talking about the difference between fantasy and reality in our DD relationship.
But each of these sub topics will be saved for another day.
Because I had a few defining DD moments with my husband this week. And in my desire to keep my posts real, I’m going to share these moments with you instead.
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If I were asked to describe Domestic Discipline a few years ago, I would have said,
“The HOH (in my case, it is my husband) takes charge of the family, and his wife. He makes the decisions; he leads by example; he makes rules; and he punishes (spanks) when the rules are not followed.”
There you go.
Cut and dry.
My DD expectations in a nutshell.
To be led
To have rules
And to be held accountable
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As we both grew into our roles, we both realized that neither of us needed a tough, rulemaking, no “if’s and or but’s” dictator.
I thought I wanted him to make tough decisions for me.
I thought I wanted him to force me to bend to his will.
I thought I wanted rules- lots of rules—with consequences! (Spanking consequences, of course).
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As it turns out, I am aroused by many of his spankings. It sometimes is a sexual thing for me.
So it has made it difficult to blur the lines between sexy and authoritative.
But after a year and a half of tweaking, we have finally found a rhythm that suits both our needs.
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I have learned that he needs my respect and love as much as I need attention.
If I want his attention in the form of a spanking, I need to ask for it. If I brat and manipulate my way into a spanking, it makes us both feel badly. The spanking has not served its purpose- to bring us closer together.
Sometimes, I need a quick attitude adjustment, though. I tend to get hypoglycemic (and veeeeeeery ornery) when I don’t eat on time.
We don’t have many official rules. Mostly, we stick to the D’s (Disrespect and dishonesty being the two biggest.)
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Last night, hubby came home to me frantically trying to keep noodles from bubbling out of the pot, sauce from messing up the whole kitchen, and coaxing the little people to “try it, you’ll like it”. (My many talents do not include food preparation, unfortunately. 🙂 )
I was crabby, unfed, and frazzled. And he was over ten minutes late!
I refused to look at him or acknowledge him with more than a quick grunt, and an “about time” muttered under my breath.
He hugged and greeted the kids, turned off the stove, and said, “Mommy and I will be right back”, and led me (grumbling the whole way about burnt pasta being on his conscience) into the bedroom.
After deciding that I did not have a good reason for my attitude, he bent me over the bathroom sink, and gave me 5 of the hardest swats he has ever given me.
This gave me something to think about.
- He had totally been holding back during all those other hand spankings. These swats actually HURT! And they were over my jeans. Heaven forbid, he had pulled them down, like he sometimes does.
- He has come a long way, since that first, “Am I hurting you?” spanking.
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He explained that he didn’t appreciate coming home to a crabby wife that wouldn’t even hug him or tell him that she missed him.
I almost cried. He has grown over these past few years, with respect to his communication. What would have been a grunt and a “back away quietly into his man cave”, became a quick articulation of his feelings.
This snapped me out of my funk. I hugged him and apologized for being so mean and disrespectful to him.
We walked out and finished making dinner. He dished up my bowl, and commanded me to
“EAT.”
He even kept the little bitties engaged, so I could eat in peace. Yes, I shoveled gluten free pasta and ground beef with sauce faster than you can say, ‘Jack Sprat ate no fat’. And in a few minutes, I felt better.
I was very thankful for his help in this. A few years ago, I would have pushed and pushed, until we were both miserable.
All it took was a quick spanking, a hug, and some loving communication.
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We had another defining DD moment, 30 minutes later.
I had lain down to snuggle with my sweet little angels, before bedtime, and decided it was so nice and comfy, that I would remain after they left. Even though it was only 7:15 pm, I was willing to stay there, wrapped up in warm blankets, pretending to snooze for the rest of the night.
But hubby didn’t let me.
He made me get up!
LOL, I have always wanted to pout and complain about my hubby “making” me do something, but the truth is, he has never actually “made” me, or forced me to do anything in my life.
Even the few times, I have acted like I have not wanted a spanking, I willingly went over his lap. It was a façade of non-consensuality.
Everything we do in our relationship is consensual.
So when he came into the bedroom, and saw me still snuggled in bed, even though my snuggling counter parts had already left for their own beds, he hugged me and announced,
“Ok, it’s not time for bed yet. The kitchen still needs to be cleaned up. Then you can relax for the night.”
Several years ago, I would have told him where to shove the dirty dishes, informed him he was a grown man, and told him that he should take care of the &!% kitchen himself!
But to be perfectly honest, I agreed to take on the role of home duties, and even asked him to hold me accountable for its upkeep. Several weeks earlier, I had even begged him to not let me leave the kitchen dirty at night time. It stressed me out to wake up to a pile of dirty dishes and old food.
And to his credit, he held firm. I have had three nights where I have just not felt like doing my task, and he has nicely called me on it.
One night, when I was sick, he mentioned that he would let the kitchen duties go for the night because I was not feeling very well.
My feminist friends would have had a field day with this! They would have hollered about equal rights and said that he should have gotten off his lazy *ss and done the kitchen himself. And a few years ago, I would have agreed with them.
But now, I am at a point, where I like the stability of having our set roles. I like my roles. I like knowing that he cooks on the weekends (Hallelujah, decent food finally!). I like knowing that I have duties that need to be performed. I like having consequences.
Guess what the biggest consequence is to my cleaning up the night before?
- I feel better about myself.
- I am happier and less stressed in the morning.
I like rules and consequences- they make me feel safe.
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If I were to leave the kitchen messy for longer than a day (due to sickness or any other good excuse), he would step in, and take over the task. But I have asked him not to, unless absolutely necessary.
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This is for one big reason. It empowers me. These accomplishments energize my soul.
He has never made me do anything I did not want to do.
But he does empower me to:
- Stop and think
- “Pull up my bootstraps”
- Work to the best of my abilities
- Fulfill my duties
His strength is my strength.
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Though I may complain about him every once in a while, because he is still rather vanilla, and has to be reeeeeeeally coaxed into trying new things, (bedroom things, spanky things, new implements…).
I appreciate him, and his willingness to journey with me.
Domestic Discipline is not for everybody.
There are many different ways to embrace the lifestyle.
Our journey is our own, and will keep changing as our lives change.
Sometimes, I still fantasize about rules and dominance and my HOH talking to me like a Dom. But I am happy with the path we have followed and the progress we have made.
This is our DD life.
I’m happy we could share it with you!
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Ok, now that I’m done with my post, I need to get to the ironing!
Mean old hubby is MAKING me iron his work shirts. 😉
He even spanked me last week, when he had no unwrinkled shirts in his closet! (The horror!)
I’m going to ask him for another spanking tonight!
But first, I’ll go iron a few shirts 🙂
Happy spankings!
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If you haven’t already checked out the fantastic introduction post by this month’s host, Corinne Alexander, head over, and check it out!
And here is the link for the other awesome posts! Enjoy!
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