Tag Archives: honesty

Coming out! to my sisters!

I’m coming out!

To my sisters!

There’s a very good chance this post is going to go all over the place. I have so much to share! It’s huge! It’s meaningful, and it’s a big deal to me.

So bear with me today. I promise I will try to smooth everything out, and make it easier to read. And next time, I will definitely keep it more succinct.

But today, here’s the no-holds barred update.

🙂

It’s 9:06 am, gluten free chocolate chip muffins are baking in the oven, and my kids are outside playing – happily- for the first time all week. They are sisters, and they love each other. They are close in physical and emotional age, and are absolutely each other’s BFF’s. Except for when they are together 24×7 for a whole summer.

I used to have something like that. Sisters, younger sisters, who adored me (and as I have recently found out…) looked up to me. Me! Never having much in the way of self confidence, that statement surprised and pleased me to no end. I have always loved and adored my little sisters.

 

charlies angels

(LOL, no, this isn’t what we look like. But we did have a ton of fun playing Charlie’s Angels, and even did a photo session together, using Angel poses.) 🙂

 

Even though we grew apart over the years (mostly because of geography), there was one thing that kept us together.

Honesty

And

Respect

 

But life being as it is, brought small disagreements into the mix. They became larger due to timing issues and inability to hook up- even on the phone. Families were formed, creating an even bigger relationship gap.

And when I finally had something huge to share, with my own lifelong best friends, I had to lie about it.

How could I trust that they would understand and support my fetish, when we couldn’t honestly communicate about the smaller issues.

And when I had the biggest moment of my adult life (after marriage and kids, of course), could I tell them?

Could I tell them I was Katherine Deane, spanking romance author, DD’er, and follower of all my erotic minded friends?

 

retro kinky pic

 

 

Believe me, I tried.

I started with the elder of my two younger sisters, the woman known for her open mindedness.

And to her credit, she told me it wasn’t her cup of tea, but that she would supportive.

Ouch!

That hurt!

A lot.

But thankfully, I had online friends who understood and supported me.

 

birthday cake K

Three days ago, I celebrated my birthday.

And cried for most of it (and the preceding 24 hours).

 

I couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me.

My best (online) friend, Corinne, called me to wish me a happy birthday, and I bawled my eyes out.

I cried about my loneliness.

My utter craving for attention, and for REAL people to not only get me, but to accept me and like me.

I felt sad and alone because the people in my real life, the ones who live less than a mile away gave less love and birthday support than the online community of people (whom I don’t even know their real names or ages, or what they truly look like).

I was so utterly alone and so desperately wanted attention, I felt in that moment, that I would do anything to get it.

Luckily, a great phone call from my bff (whom I still have never met), and a long hard spanking from my husband; took the edge off.

I was able to function again.

🙂

And that’s when the most remarkable and awesome thing happened!

My sister, Evie, called to tell me that she finally understood.

Her husband had mentioned (ok, this guy must be highly intuitive!) that I must feel pretty lonely. (um, he said to my sister, almost verbatim what I expressed above.) Freaky, eh?

She understood my hesitancy to share with “real” people.

Here’s what happened when she tried to tell a friend about my writing.

( I warned you about the ramblings. sorry 🙂 )

 

 

She had befriended this nice woman who seemed an awful lot like me.

It turns out, Evie actually was excited about my new book coming out. She just didn’t know what to do with the information.

She started telling her new friend that her sister was an author, and that she was really excited about her new book.

When the friend asked what type of book it was, Evie was hit with a feeling of uncertainty.

So she explained that it was racier than a normal romance.

 

What followed was a huge condemning tirade about the evils of lust, and my sin over trying to lure people into coveting actions.

Evie was furious, and ended the conversation, while nicely telling the new friend off.

 

telephone bridging gap

 

That’s when she called me yesterday.

She felt horrible. She had never known that I was living in fear of that kind of judgment.

She finally also understood, that her lack of true “on hand” support, made me feel just as judged.

She finally got it!

Even though I was slightly perturbed by the other woman’s reaction, I was so overjoyed by my sisters’ realization, that I let it go.

celebrate sisters

We celebrated together:

<The growth I have made, emotionally, over these past few years.

<The fact that I had finally found something that I not only enjoyed, but that I also had the potential to become good at. (LOL, grammar might not always be my forte though. I speak / write fast! )

to be a part of my life; how much I needed their support.

 

It was the most amazing conversation.

And the heavy, aching weight lifted from my chest.

 

sister

 

I have also been thinking about bringing L (our littlest sister), into the mix. I have hated “lying” to her, and have missed her also.

 

Evie reminded me that L is a lot more open minded than I have given her credit for, and more importantly, that she misses our ‘three sister’ relationship.

 

So we invited her to read that “hot new book” by the brand new author that we both adore, and want to support.

(ok, there is a bit more to it than that, but I shortened above for the sake of reading. 🙂 )

 

I don’t know how she will react.

It will hurt if she reacts negatively.

But I want to give her a chance to get to know the real me.

 

They are my sisters.

My true REAL LIFE best friends.

And at the very least, I choose not to lie to them anymore about who I am.

 

So please wish me luck, send energy or hugs or prayers.

I am Katherine Deane, sexy spanking romance author, DD’er, and first and foremost,

one of three

 

sisters_colorful

 

I hope they will accept me.

Wish me luck!

 

Doing Time – In the Corner.

should wives be spanked

9:30 pm Wed night.

He put me IN THE CORNER!

Hubby came into the bedroom wanting to know what had made me so grumpy earlier this evening.

I told him “Nothing”.  And continued typing on my laptop, pretending to ignore him.

(Yes, I was bit crabby. Unfortunately, I couldn’t remember why I was taking it out on him.)

He asked me again, more firmly.
“Nothing is wrong!” I replied a little bit louder.

Wrong answer, I guess.

He pulled me up, out of my chair, put my laptop on the bed, and walked me over to the corner in our bedroom, and said, “Stay.”

Holy crap!
I wasn’t even sure if he was serious, since we have NEVER even discussed corner time.

(Ok, I might have mentioned it once, when we started out, like 14-15 months ago, as a passing thought, “These are the kind of punishments you can give…”)

But we have never talked about it again. I’ve never mentioned how intrigued I have always been about it.

To be placed in the corner, like a naughty girl, was so arousing, yet so embarrassing and wrong at the same time!

My heart was in my throat, and my stomach danced with butterflies, as I sorted through all the conflicting emotions:

  • His sudden Dominance really turned me on.
  • I liked this feeling of submissiveness.
  • It was kind of humiliating to receive this kind of punishment.
  • How should I react?

He left right away, because the kids started coming downstairs from their beds, so he rushed to intercept them.

If they had come anywhere near the bedroom, I can tell you honestly, I would not have stayed in that corner. Or I at least would have pretended to be doing something important.

“Oh, darlings, just look at the difference in the coloring on these two walls. If you stick your nose right up into the corner, you can see that these are not symmetrical.  We must fix this as soon as possible!”

As it was, I didn’t stay anyway.   The corner was dirty, and there were still cords and charger plugs from the iron and my laptop, that I didn’t want to step on.

So I moved everything out of the way, just in case he was serious about following through.

Then I went to find him to apologize (and see if he had really meant it. Yes, I was testing. I’ll admit it).

He took one look at me when I came out, and growled, (Yes, he really did growl.)
“Why aren’t you where I told you to stay?”

(The kids were coming in and out of their rooms. I appreciated his cryptic question.)

“I didn’t know if you really meant it.” I pouted.

His scary, low voice replied, “I want you. Where I. put you. Wait there until I come and get you.”

Big gulp, and a slow trudge back to the icky, but now uncluttered corner.

I wondered if he would spank me for coming out, and how long he would leave me there.
Even more importantly, how long would I let myself stay there?  What if it was like an hour or so?  And why was I kind of aroused by all of this.

After maybe three to five minutes (long enough for my mind to wander into spanking territory, anyway), he came in, and told me I could come out.

I can honestly say, I felt pretty submissive. I finally explained the little things that had gotten me in my ill mood, including him being late and not calling.  He lectured me about respectful two way communication, and suggested a line. “Honey, next time you’re running late, would you please call me?”

Well, duh! That one hadn’t even crossed my mind.

And in answer to the next probable question. No there was no spanking.
Though I was kind of disappointed, (Is that weird?) I realized that I needed to adhere to my own rules.

I asked him to take charge, and be the Head of our Household.

I asked him to stop me when I’m being ugly.

I asked him to do 24/7 DD.

I asked him to make the tough decisions regarding discipline and communication.

If all I want is the spanking, then it’s just about play and sex, and we need to consider  a different route. Maybe D/S or BDSM in the bedroom only.

But…

If I’m going to follow through with this relationship, then I need to fully embrace it.

Even without the spankings.

Even with the confusing new additions, like cluttered, yucky corners.

Lightbulb moment in DD

pushy woman pic

Ah nuts, I had this post ready for yesterday. It talks about my DD lightbulb moment from a few nights earlier.

I wanted to share it, but wasn’t quite sure if it was ready to be viewed. I also was not sure what the reactions would be, and I am a little insecure at times.

What is so funny, is that I am sitting here this morning, in a COMPLETELY different mindset.  I am crabby, and tired. I desperately want some attention from my husband. I feel like manipulating him into a “discussion”. I want to go shopping, and spend some money frivolously. 

*sigh*  But a small part of me understands that this will not benefit either of us.

So, I am taking my own advice from the post below. If I re-read it enough times, it may snap me back into my “good space”. 🙂

Wish me luck! (or take away my debit card for the day! 🙂 )

Here is my post from Wednesday:

____________________

Light bulb moment in DD

Hubby came home last night to a house of quietly giggling, well behaved little girls, and a pleasant wife cleaning up in the kitchen.

I had even gotten the house back in some semblance of order, had done my hair, put on a little makeup (not much, we both prefer the natural look), and was wearing a cute skirt and top instead of my normal sweats and t-shirt (and frown).

He even commented on it.

He told me how nice I looked; how much he appreciated coming home to a happy wife; and how pleased he was with my efforts to get the house back in order. (We had just come off spring break, and the house was a wreck!)

Then I realized what he was saying. My actions last night were not THE NORM.  Being happy and calm, taking pride in my appearance, and taking pride in our home, were something he noticed as atypical. That was a shocking realization for me.  My husband should not have to come home, and be surprised that I am in a good mood.  Granted, being home with little people, and being tired, and slightly hypo glycemic, does tend to make one a tad ornery. But still, it shouldn’t be the norm. At least, it shouldn’t be OUR norm.

I also see this in our DD relationship.  When I am agitated, or looking for a fight, I want him to take me in hand.  But if I do this too often, he won’t want to because it has become burdensome to him. It seems like a never ending cycle of bad moods and attitude adjustments.  It never ends, and probably seems hopeless. So, why bother?

While I get frustrated by his inconsistency, I can also understand, that sometimes he gets tired from all of it.  Especially, if I have been crabby every day he has come home from work. He doesn’t want a crabby wife that surprises him by being pleasant. And I don’t want to be that wife.  There has got be a happy medium, some common ground to stand on.

So last night- after all the pleasant chatting was over, and he had had a chance to decompress, hubby was able to step in when I became frustrated with our little ‘bed-time negotiators’. My passive aggression kicked in, and I made a few snarky remarks towards him.  Since this had not been our norm for the evening, he immediately saw it for what it was. He was able to see this new development, this snarky attitude, as unusual, something that needed to be altered.

He called me over to him, pulled up my night gown, and administered 5 very hard swats to my back side.  I apologized, and hugged him, and prayed that no neighbors had been walking past our house, since the front porch light was not on.

I hurried to turn on the lights, just in case.

Then my internal light bulb went on.  I realized how much easier it was for him to take care of these smaller situations, when he wasn’t over-inundated with almost constant needs for correction.    I realized that my manipulations and pushiness towards discipline and attention, actually pushed him further away from being able to address me.

It is the ‘less is more’ concept.  The less I bug and manipulate him, and the less crabby I act…

–  the more able he is to clearly see what I need.

And he is more willing to act accordingly, because he doesn’t see it as an endless cycle.

Wow!!!!! I had never thought of it this way.

Cut and dry – if I back off, he will step in.

I need to make sure I change our nightly norm as well as our DD norm. Less is more.

And a husband should not have to come home and be surprised when his wife is in a good mood.  LOL, this will be tough for me to do sometimes because of the stressors of little people handling. But it will be worth it in the end.

Wish us luck!