Tag Archives: relationship

Personal Post- Can you have it both ways?

ice-cream

 

The Alpha Hubby and the Compassionate Guy— Can you have both?

This question reared its ugly head when I killed the tractor today. LOL, okay, I didn’t kill the tractor. But I did single-handedly cause between two and three hundred dollars worth of damage to the thing on the back of the tractor (Daddy Hubby just informed me it is called a box blade).

Here’s the thing. We were clearing out a section of leaves, and smoothing out the ground for a nice little spot in the woods for a treehouse for the kids. Back and forth, I went. Up and down with the back thing (box blade); pulling leaves, and extra dirt and small limbs over to the sides.

Then he asked me to help push a tree stump over. He instructed me to back that thing up, and lift the box blade higher so it would push at a different angle than if it were from the lowest setting. So I did.

The whole top part bent.

DH started making those really yucky looks with his eyes that said, “Oh my f***ing God, what did you do to our baby?” That’s what his eyes said. His voice said some really bad words, muttered under his breath. Along with a lot of head shaking. (for the record, I am the only potty mouth in our family. He is the laid back, kind, non-potty mouthed, good influence on our kids, parent)

I started crying. You know. Lower lip trembling, eyes tearing up. Trying not to cry, because you feel bad enough and you know the kids are just on the other side of the trees. I looked pitiful. I felt pitiful. I broke my tractor.

But did my loving, amazing Daddy/Hubby give me nurturing cuddles or “That’s okay, sweet girl. It was my fault for not explaining things better…”?

No!

He calmly gave me whatfor for not knowing to stop before the thing bent up. (along with a few more mutterings about how much money it was going to cost).

Then I got angry. Very angry. With tears still streaming down my face, I told him exactly what I thought of his stupid plan to take out a tree stump. And how the hell could he expect me—a brand new tractor driver who has mostly only mowed the fields with it—to know how to take out a stump without killing a back thing?

I was furious. Mostly at him for not being more compassionate—he should have taken at least half the responsibility. I was untrained for this kind of task, and should not have to be held accountable for not understanding what he wanted. Yeah, it was his fault! I told him all of that while trying to rub my sore eyes with dried-out and dirty hands.

His response was much calmer and clearer. “It’s common sense. If you have something high up, and it starts bending and pushing up more, stop. “

So I burst into tears again. My husband was insinuating I had no common sense?

I have commons sense.

< Don’t walk alone after dark

< Don’t drink and drive

< Monitor the kids’ social media

< Bring a sweater or jacket, just in case it gets cold.

< etc..

 

Common sense. Yes, I get it! And I do have some of that in my highly creative, sometimes flighty personality.

But do I have engineering common sense?

Who screwed up the third grade toothpick bridge, for both kids?

Who can’t figure out how to get the Wii working on the right channel?

Who does not attempt any of the fun science experiments that involve building something?

Me!

Because when it comes to tech, or building something, or doing something with heavy machinery, it’s not my forte! That’s a different kind of common sense. And I don’t have it. So I shouldn’t be blamed for killing the tractor. He knew better!

LOL, I told him all of that, and that I was angry that he wasn’t apologizing.

He held me in his arms right there in the middle of the forest, right next to the busted tractor, and told me it would be all right. We could get a new part for the top.

He also told me he understood I was upset, but it was time to get over it, and finish the rest of our land clearing. Grrr! Still a tad angry, I took my frustration out on the rest of the leaves and dirt, this time leaving a huge space around the evil tree stump.

It got me to thinking. Why was he being such a mean jerk? Why couldn’t he just apologize? Why wouldn’t he take responsibility, or at the very least tell me it wasn’t all my fault that I almost killed my tractor.

It took me a few hours, and getting away from the scene, finally, to come to a new realization.

I wanted my husband to be the perfect HOH, or the perfect Daddy Dom, or the perfect hubby. I wanted him to always be strong and push me to my limits. But I also wanted him to turn on a dime, and be overly compassionate and extra sweet and take all the blame when I did something that made me feel bad.

That’s what I do in the stories I write. It’s what I like in the books I read. It’s a little too perfect for real life, though.

My final realization was that he was treating me like an equal. If he didn’t respect me, or if he thought I was just an idiot with no common sense, he would have taken the responsibility on himself. He wouldn’t have been so angry, if he hadn’t truly been blindsided by my abilities. This means he has faith in me.

He always tells me that—that he knows I can do anything I put my mind to.

On some levels, it’s annoying. Sometimes, I want Daddy Hubby to take over.

But does he need to?

All the time?

No. I would hate it. And he realizes this.

For the record, he came home and hugged me, smacked my bottom for not hugging him back, and told me, “I feel worse about you feeling bad.” (it was the closest I was getting to an apology, so I took it.)

“Good.” Was my grumbled reply.

Then we laughed and hugged again, and it was over.

We’ll get that part fixed at some point. But for now, we can move on.

He still has to fix my first attempt at a toothpick bridge with my daughter.

I can’t have it both ways. And realistically, I guess I don’t want it both ways. But I do love the combination on occasion.

Hugs and blessings ❤

You are Big Ivy and Little Ivy- It’s okay to be both.

Here’s a sneak peek at my new Age Play Holiday novella, We Need a Little Christmas.  It’s part of a box set co-written with the awesome Abbie Adams (whose birthday is today!). J

I chose a tender scene to showcase. Ivy is struggling with her thoughts and reactions to her new little side. But Jack is there to help her through it…

 

“I  think what upset me the most today, was how I reacted,” Ivy mumbled into his chest. “I really over-reacted, and took it out on you. I’m sorry.”

 

“It’s okay.” He kissed her forehead.

 

Wrenching away, she pulled back with tears in her eyes. “No, it’s not. I got upset  and took it out on you because I wanted to go into Little mode. It was a  crisis, and I just tried to hide. I thought this was supposed to be a good thing, letting myself be… I don’t know, young?” She wrinkled her nose. “But that makes it a crutch, right?” Her fists tightened as she  crossed her arms around her chest. “I know all about unhealthy coping  mechanisms after watching my mom.” She burst into tears. “This is unhealthy  escapism. If I can’t turn it off, how can I be the real me? How can I be who  I’m s’posed to?” Her face crumbled and sadness clouded her features. More  tears washed down her face. “I even sound  like a little girl.” She whined and grimaced, burying her head into his  lap.

 

“Sweetie, it’s okay.” He stroked her head and held her until she stopped crying.  “Sit up. Look at me, please.” Her pitiful gaze met his. “I’m probably not going to say this right, but let me try.”

 

She  sat up and straightened her back to meet him, her body radiating nervous  energy. 

 

“You’re special. You make things really fun and interesting, even when you don’t try to. You are beautiful and sexy and smart, and I love arguing with you about politics, because you don’t take any shit from me.” He smiled and kissed her cheek. “You’re also strong, capable, a warrior in heels with a leather briefcase big enough to carry a dead body.”

 

That got her laughing.

 

“You’re also exuberant, full of life, gregarious, and you sing off key.” He winked when she pretended to be offended. “You know every single Disney song and movie by heart. You make me feel young. Your energy brings me to life when I’m grumpy and tired.”

 

She sniffled and her eyes glistened.

 

“I  know this past year has been hard for you. But the you I see is a lot of different things. You are big and you are little. They’re combined. And I think you’d be doing yourself a huge disservice if you tried to turn off something that is such a big part of you. You are Big  Ivy. You are Little Ivy. It’s okay to be both. I love both.”

 

 

 

 
BLURB:
Thirty-three year old, Ivy Henry seems to have it all. A well-paying job, a new house, and her wonderful HOH/husband, Jack. At her request, they had incorporated Domestic
Discipline into their marriage a few years ago and she flourished under his
love, guidance, and support.
But, this year’s holiday season is wreaking havoc on their calm relationship. Between the stress of work and hosting this year’s Christmas Eve party for all
the family, Ivy is becoming more and more out of control. To top it off, she has a secret she can’t share with Jack.
Their relationship is wonderful but she wants more—a chance to explore her younger side. Ivy desires to do Age Play but is fighting her needs because it is embarrassing. How can she trust Jack not to laugh when she tells him she wants to curl up on his lap at night and call him Daddy?
Jack has been watching Ivy slip away emotionally for the past year. His beautiful, sweet wife is now always angry and ill tempered. DD just doesn’t seem to be cutting it any longer. He can tell she is unhappy, but doesn’t know how to help her until the day he finds her chat sessions on her computer. Discovering hope again, he begins to make plans to escape from this stressful holiday. He will introduce his precious Ivy to her new daddy—him. They both need to reconnect
and they both need a Little Christmas.
 
Coming Tuesday, Dec 15, 2015
Thanks for stopping by!
 

SRR – Round Table Discussion – The Vanilla Spouse

round table blank graphic

 

Most of you already know I am in an LDD relationship with my sweet hubby. And many of you have probably figured out from my posts and gripes that I am the Spanko, and he is pretty much the, um, Vanilla, who is willing to try, even though it is not his thing.

He’s a pretty great guy.

Well, a few years ago, we were not happy in our marriage. I was an angry, manipulating, bratty, pushy wife, who made both of us miserable. I bet you’re thinking it was before DD.

You’re wrong.

🙂

It was actually the first 6 months into our DD adventure, and a few months beforehand.

I’ve told the story before, about how I stumbled upon DD, and knew in my heart that it was for me; how I asked my husband to spank me (not for fun or sex) ; that he laughed because it shocked him; and that I wasn’t upset because I had read some really good books preparing myself for his reaction.

What I have not shared, is how obsessed I became with DD, and all things spanking related. I was a wrecking ball of spanking information ready to toss it at my husband at a moment’s notice.

My favorite couple and blog were a couple named Clint and Chelsea, and I spent hours reading Clint’s blog. I spent even more time, regaling hubby with my newest “Clintism”.

“Well, Clint says you are supposed to be more consistent with me.”

“Clint had a great article on non-physical punishments, honey.”

“Chelsea got spanked because…” (I don’t actually remember now 🙂 )

 

I practically demanded that he get his booty online and start learning about HOH’s, and spanking, and his duties as my leader.

LOL, yes, you heard right, I demanded that he let ME submit to him.

Pretty screwed up, eh?

It was a dreadful few months for us.

It was already hard enough for the poor guy to get into any spanking activities, because it wasn’t his thing. Not like it is for me, anyway. But he still tried. He did his best, and he asserted his authority, and even started spanking me.

A little at a time.

Until I started squirming. LOL, if I even breathed the wrong way, he stopped.

Gah! It was so frustrating! I was so angry at him for not being a Spanko.

He did not get it.

He didn’t understand that suddenly, this whole new world was opened up to me, and this world finally fit me – perfectly!

He would not go online and meet other HOH’s (he felt that most men who were in that relationship, were most likely power hungry jerks getting off on the authority)

He would not read any of the information about proper spanking technique, warm up, implements, consistency…

LOL, he is the typical male when it comes to direction. He will figure it out himself or die trying.

And it didn’t help that I pushed so hard. Besides emasculating him, it also made him not want to try to do any of it.

Which made me lash out even more.

Vicious cycle, right?

 

We finally came to a point where I could not take it anymore.

We were seriously miserable, and were at a very low point in our marriage.

I respectfully asked him if I could go to a disciplinarian. I had found her online when searching for spankers a few months earlier.

Ok, I’ll be honest. I know it probably doesn’t shed me in a very good light, but I was desperate at the time. I needed to be spanked so badly. And my husband was not willing at first.

This woman was so nice and caring. She understood what I was asking over emails, and phone, and finally a lunch date. She got it. She knew what I needed.

And she was willing to give me the spanking I desired, (for a fee of course. She is a professional), with one albeit.

I needed to be perfectly honest with her whether I was going to go with my husband’s knowledge or without.

She was cool enough to not judge or lead me either way. This was my decision to make.

But we both agreed that, in the long run, it would not help my marriage if I did it without his approval.

I wanted so badly to just go behind his back, and do it. Get that harsh spanking I had always wanted, the one that would bring me to tears, and would release all my negativity.

I was torn.

If I asked him, and he said “no”, I would resent him; if I went behind his back, I would feel guilty.

I finally decided to go the upfront route.

I told him that it was not a reflection on his skills, or his manhood, but that I wanted to go see (and pay) this woman, to have her spank my bare bottom.

It took several weeks for him to mull it over.

During this time, I slowly realized how much I was torturing him because of my disrespect and anger.

I backed off, and let him have his space.

And then something clicked for both of us.

He wanted to lead, but did not want to be forced into it.

I wanted to follow, and wanted him to want to lead – but only if he wanted to.

 

I was pleasantly surprised when he gave me my first real punishment.

Compared to now, the spanking was nothing but a long warm up, LOL.

But at that point, wow, it was intense!

And wonderful!

 

The next day, he agreed to let me go see the disciplinarian. Miss Aria.

We agreed that her husband would not be in the house, and that only she would have access to my bottom.

I would love to share my session with her, but I’m running out of space for today. So that will be saved for another post. 🙂

 

So all in all, this has a happy ending. It took both of us a while to get into our roles, and figure out what we wanted.

Our communication definitely got better!

He is and always has been a good leader. I just wouldn’t let him. I was too wrapped up in my own wants and needs.

And I have apologized to him for that.

He has also (not exactly apologized, but as close as he can come 🙂 ) mentioned an acknowledgment that he is not as much into the lifestyle as I am.

And that’s ok.

I’ll probably gripe every once in a while, about consistency, proper technique, implement usage, a longing for real corner time, and just one mouth soaping (just to try it).

But then again, in our relationship, I am the subject matter expert, on spanking.

I guess it’s in my blood. 🙂

I am happily married to a vanilla man, who is willing to add some flavor to our relationship. This month’s flavor- Twizzler red booty. Stripes and all!

I’ll try not to complain too often.

*****

Thanks for stopping by today! Please head on over and visit the other cool blogs. There are lots of different viewpoints and experiences to share. 🙂

Happy spankings!

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The Alpha Man and His Dirty Wife

Hehe, I had to use the fun play on words for this one. Enjoy!

 

shovel in dirt

Ok, I know I complain (whine?) every once in a while about my husband not being empathetic enough to my emotions, not being “Spanko” enough, not appreciating Disney movies for their beauty and great story lines, and catchy lyrics and tunes. (I love kids’ movies. I happily admit it.)

Hubby doesn’t quite share my joyful exuberance when the evil step mother gets her just desserts, and the heroine wins (with or without a hero by her side); he doesn’t understand my need to cry when I emote, and he does not yet understand how to “stroke” me. (Hehe, not that kind of stroking.)

My ego and my emotions are very closely dependent on his affirmations.

For example, the other day, I greeted him at the door and proudly exclaimed (for the whole neighborhood to hear),

“Look honey, I vacuumed the welcome mat.”

(The really super awesomely mud caked mat outside our front door.)

He hugged me, took a quick look, and replied,

“I can’t tell.”

To be perfectly honest, the carpet still looked dirty, because of the clay and mud stains. But what he hadn’t seen was how dirty it was BEFORE I cleaned it.

 

Seriously, it hurt my feelings.  😦

He was supposed to gently stroke my ego, and tell me how proud he was of my efforts; and if he absolutely felt the need to give constructive criticism, it should have been something along the lines of,

Oh, my sweet girl. You make me so happy. I’m so proud of you. Would you like a nice back massage and spanking later? Oh, and by the way my dear little domestic engineer, did you miss a few spots, or was it just extra dirty, and I can’t tell? Either way, I love you and appreciate you. Now, how about that good girl spanking?”

🙂

See, that would have been more in tune with my emotional needs at the time.

But no, I am married to a logical, intelligent, less emotive man who takes things at face value.

He’s my opposite.

LOL, it usually means I have a few hurt feelings, and he gets confused by my emotions.

 

But these past two weekends have been eye openers for me. Maybe I am married to the right man after all.

It all began with a little dirt…

Hubby decided to level the ground in our front yard. This means, he worked up a brilliant plan to dig out a bunch of dirt, place 4×4’s (or were they 4×6’s? I don’t know. They were big, long pieces of wood. J ), in the dirt, making a square around our tree, hammer them down into some sort of concrete dirt, and then fill everything back in with dirt and mulch.

He measured and cut, and dug, and used a cool little thing on a rope that told us how far off the levelling was, based on where the cute bubble landed. He even explained the whole engineering process to me.

Something about,

Bleh, bleh, back face… higher by 12 inches to accommodate the 2 inches in the front… bleh bleh, dig… bleh bleh… make it all even.”

I thought I was in a Charlie Brown show. Wah wah, wah

After ten minutes of him trying to explain the overall process to me, with me still not getting it, I finally told him where he was going wrong.

I am not a long term visualizer. I can’t just see things out of nothing. I am more of a recognizer than a re-caller, and I don’t understand mechanical or engineering terms.

Just put me to work. Tell me what to do – exactly how you want it done, and I will happily do it. But please don’t explain the process to me. I won’t get it until it is done,” I told him.

So he put me to work. I dug dirt, held the bubble measuring thingy, and told him when it was off; I hauled bags of mulch; I stained the wood.

I even got tools for him – after he specifically told me which ones.

FYI, the circular saw with the GREEN handle is much different than the round looking saw that is attached to a huge piece of heavy metal.

(Like I would have known that. Hehe. They were both round!)

 

It took us two long weekends. But we did it, and I actually enjoyed it.

I preferred to submit to his direction. Heaven knows what I would have done if left to my own devices.

The reason I am bringing all of this up, is because during our fun, dirty weekend together, I also got a chance to watch the neighbor’s husband do some yard work.

He complained the whole time, about wanting a condo, washed his hands every few minutes, and here’s the funniest part.

He squealed and backed away when I offered to show him the new worms and caterpillar his daughter had dug up while playing in the dirt with me and my daughters.

I thought it was hilarious when he almost turned green and bolted for his house.

But hubby swatted me on the booty, and quietly reminded me,

Not everyone enjoys the outdoors”.

“All husbands are different, but will attempt to give their wives what they want and need.”

 

I retorted,” I bet HE would tell me how clean the welcome mat looked.”

 

Hubby agreed, and also pointed out that neighbor hubby would probably hire someone to do the landscaping.

But I wanted to help,” I whined. “I like getting dirty! I like it when you tell me what to

Oh!

light bulb

This led me to my final realization.

I can’t always have it both ways.

I still need emotional affirmation and support. But if it comes down to a choice between

flowery words of empathy and love

Vs.

manual labor, getting dirty, and Alpha man taking charge

I’ll take the Alpha man.

Besides, I can still go to my girlfriends for emotional stroking.

Here’s the newly landscaped tree.

I helped!

yard work leveling, close-up

Spanking Round Table- The DD Relationship as it Ages

I am so glad Patricia Green is hosting this month’s Spanking Round Table. She combines her wisdom, experiences, and creativity to come up with awesome discussions! Today’s posts are going to be very interesting.

round table blank graphic

When I started thinking about my post, I worried that I might not have much to contribute. Hubby and I have only been doing LDD for a few years now.  We are both in our early 40’s, have been married for fifteen years, and are firm believers of equal rights between sexes.

But we do have a division of labor:

  • I work from home, and help raise our children.  He works outside the home.
  • I clean the house. He does the edging and trimming, and anything involving bugs, spiders or really high ladders.
  • We talk about our goals and plans together.
  • But he makes the final decisions. And I submit to those decisions. (usually without any resentment )

So how did we get from former military officers (I even outranked him for a few months! 🙂 ) to the clearly delineated roles we have today?

Kicking and screaming, of course!!

LOL, I’m kind of kidding.

Kind of.

In all seriousness, my husband tried to take charge of certain aspects of our relationship, over the years. But I always fought it.

Tooth and nail.

If he suggested I clean up the kitchen, I would roll my eyes, and insinuate (most passive aggressively) that he do it himself.

If he had even DARED to suggest submission or discipline, ten years ago, I would have called him a ton of very unkind words, and would have filled his shoes with the gross stuff our dogs left in the back yard.

A lot has changed in the past five years.  We have grown. I have grown.

LOL, I saw this picture, and had to share it! It’s so me! 🙂

housewife_ dust under rug

Several years ago, I accepted the fact that I wanted to not only be a homemaker, but that I wanted to serve my husband.  This was not very politically correct, but it was still something I wanted to do.

I also discovered my other side- my spanko nature.  Even though it made me nervous to express my needs for dominance, and for boundaries, I truthfully explained it to him.  And he accepted the role that I had been fighting for years.

I realized that submitting to him did not make me weak.  He realized that being the HOH (Head of Household) , meant greater responsibility and greater potential for love.

We have had our ups and downs, as we have grown into our roles. But we have come so far in the past two years, that I feel truly blessed to have a husband willing to enter this relationship with me.

LDD is not for everyone.

And it wasn’t for me, ten years ago.

But the maturity and trust that grew within us over the years, enabled us to try this new adventure.

Today, I am a homemaker and submissive wife, who loves and thrives in her duties.  My husband laughed when I showed him this part.  Ok, being at peace in my relationship and duties, doesn’t mean I have a consistently  ‘Pollyanna’ attitude.  I have been known to get a bit ornery at times. 🙂

But here is what I know:

When I lose control or over-react to a situation, I know that my husband will help me. He protects me from myself.  He sets boundaries. He empowers me with a firm push when I am feeling down.  And sometimes, he spanks me.

I am not sure where we will be in twenty and thirty years.  I do know that he will be in charge of our relationship, and he will be my lover and protector. I know that he will make the tough decisions, so I don’t have to. And I trust that he will keep me safe.

I hope that we will be more comfortable with experimenting in the bedroom.  Spanking has opened in me a desire to try different things with him, and when he is ready, we will try them out. 🙂

DD, spanking especially, has opened both of us up to some new sexual experimentation.  I hope that we will continue to explore our relationship and our sexual sides as we mature.  He is already more willing to try new things, and I may decide to take his nickname (Mr. Vanilla) away, if he keeps progressing as he has. 🙂

Wow! Who would have thought one little phrase, “I want you to spank me”, could open us up to so much change in our relationship.

Things have changed so much over these past few years. I know the future has even more to offer us, if we keep our minds open and if we are willing to honestly communicate our desires.

I am looking forward to aging gracefully with my dominant husband (who looks even sexier now with his beard and a few greys!), and can’t wait to explore with him.

But for the time being, we are living our relationship one day at a time.

One spanking at a time.

🙂

Thanks for coming by!

Please stop by Spanking Romance Reviews, to see the other amazing posts!

And if you want to find your next good read, check out the author interviews and book reviews!

Fantasy vs. Reality – A chat with Patricia Green

ace-high-flush-cover

KD: Thanks so much for joining me today, Patricia. This is a subject that is very personal to me. The subject of fantasy vs. reality – holding a real spouse to a fictitious standard.  And since we are both in DD relationships, I thought it would be fun to talk about some real life experiences as well.

PG: It’s great being here with you, Katherine. Thank you for inviting me to join you.

KD:  Ok, I’m just going to jump in with one of my biggest issues.  My biggest problem early in DD, was that I was comparing (and resenting) my husband to the expert HOHS in the books I read. I realize now this is unhealthy for me, and is very disrespectful to him.
But it’s so easy to do. The characters, even when flawed, seem to always be almost perfect HOH’s.

PG: Yes, I find that there are a growing number of women who resent their spouses because they’re not like the heroes they read about. This is not only true for spanking fiction, but also very true for romance in general. The issues with romance as a genre have been around for a long time. But, whether you’re talking DD or Regencies, there has to be a separation between fantasy and reality. Some people let the lines blur. I think this might be truer for an empathic person like yourself, Katherine.

KD: That’s why I sometimes shift to paranormal if I’m not in a safe mind set. It’s far easier to remember that a spanking vampire, is in fact, fantasy.

I’m serious about this.  Sometimes, I can differentiate between the contemporary hero and real life hero (AKA hubby) easily.  But occasionally, it becomes hard to separate, so I find it easier to jump into a regency or old time western story.  To be perfectly honest, science fiction and fantasy are still my favorites. (I really wish someone would do a Star Trek or Battle Star Galactica themed spanking romance.)

PG: The fact is, the women (almost exclusively) who write this stuff are building fantasies. They take what they think is the “perfect hero” and put him on the page. Have they ever met the “perfect hero” in person? Not a chance. There is no such person. Everyone has flaws. And, let’s face it, none of us wives are perfect either. Do we have a legitimate right to demand it from our HoH’s?

KD: That’s a very good point.  In real life, I despise what age is doing to my body.  But it would be so hurtful and wrong of my husband to demand that I remain as my “thirty something” self.  It wouldn’t be fair to either of us to hold on to that image.  It’s fantasy.

KD: I understand that you are in a DD relationship as well.  Did you have any struggles with resentment, or HOH images?  How did you get into this relationship?

PG:  The first DD relationship I was in was when I was 19. The man I was involved with was 42. I think it would be safe to say that I was looking for a stern father-figure, something I didn’t have growing up. Although I went on to a vanilla relationship after that, I wasn’t as happy in that situation. I divorced my vanilla husband, not because there was anything wrong with him — he was and is a very good guy and a great dad to our daughters. It was more a discontentment within me. I believe that’s the kind of discontentment that eats at a relationship like a cancer. There are a few things that can be done about it. A woman can decide that the other parts of her relationship are more important than her DD desires (I know more than a few women who have done this, and it works for them), or she can ask her husband to try to work with her on migrating the relationship to a DD one.

KD: That’s what I did. I brought DD to my husband, and asked him to take charge of our marriage.  It was pretty scary, but thankfully, he didn’t laugh or make fun of my request.  But it felt like a last resort for me.  We were both unhappy, and I wanted the structure.

We have been doing DD for over a year and a half.  And even though it isn’t strictly DD, it’s a decision that we both agree has been the best decision for us. Spanking helped save our marriage.

PG:  Well, what is “strict DD,” or are you comparing book-based DD against real life DD? Because in real life, every couple has a different way of dealing with incompatibilities. DD couples are no different from vanilla couples in that regard. Your version of DD is not, and should not, be the same as any other couple’s. There is no rule or cannon for you to cling to; you have to make it up as you go along.

KD: Great point! I can already see our next blog topic.

KD:  How did you learn about DD? Was it from an online source or a book?

PG:  DD books weren’t around at that time, or not sold where “nice girls” shopped, so the only measuring sticks I had were that early relationship and my own desire for discipline. I knew I needed discipline imposed upon me externally, so that’s what I sought. I had no words for it at the time, DD wasn’t part of my vocabulary.

KD: That’s how I felt before I learned about DD. So you didn’t have anyone to compare your new HOH to, (no fictitious super spankos) probably making it a lot easier, right?

PG:  Actually, you don’t have to read about the uber-DD-hero. You can dream him up all the same, and that dream guy can have the same effect on you. No one else is good enough.

KD:  I loved how you related it to just every day coveting. It’s such a good point. We don’t always need characters to compare and create something in our mind, better.  The grass is always greener, right?

PG:  It’s just like having a daydream of a mansion on a hill, when your budget is more an apartment in the suburbs. It’s something to admire, but you disrespect what you have if you’re not careful.

KD: Well said.  Ok, so back to fantasy.  Who is your favorite fictitious HOH?

PG:  My favorite fictitious HOH is Ace Journey, from Ace-High Flush. It might be rather apparent as I keep coming back to him in the books, even for small segments of the story. He’s strong, masculine, mature, dominant, but very loving and romantic. He spanks for discipline and for eroticism. Ace is crazy in love with his young wife, Gabby, and that love translates into lots of care, concern and passion.

KD:  I loved Ace and Gabby. My husband and I also use spanking for discipline and eroticism.

What’s one of your favorite behaviors from Ace? I loved their story, and appreciated the fact that he doesn’t look down on or disrespect Gabby, even though she is over 15 years younger than him.

PG:  Favorite behavior… Ace reasons with Gabby, but he doesn’t take any wheedling. My husband is the same way. He can spot manipulation a mile away and takes a very dim view of it.

KD: My husband is starting to figure out my manipulative tendencies too. 🙂  Alas.

KD: So how does one, especially an empathetic person like me, safely read these wonderful stories without resenting our imperfect spouses?

PG:  You know, there’s an old saying about “good fences make good neighbors.” In many respects, the same can be said for fiction and reality. You have to keep your fences intact. Maintain them carefully. Don’t neglect them or forget they’re there. Remember that you need them in order to keep your real life from deteriorating because you’re lost in make-believe worlds. The heroes in fiction are deceptive. If a writer is good, the story will seem like a home-movie of a couple living their real life. But that’s not the case. No relationship has a planned trajectory that ends in a happily ever after. Real relationships aren’t planned, plotted out, or outlined, they’re organic. That’s what makes them so special, and something no meddling writer can ever really bring to you. Enjoy what you have, make your own happy ending, and don’t pine for make-believe worlds. None of us really has a fairy godmother.

KD: That was so brilliantly stated.  I have read some fantastic authors who do such a great job of building the characters and relationships, that I can’t help, but pine for what they have.

But I can continue to read and enjoy these awesome stories, if I just remember that they are fiction. Beautifully written, “want to get lost in it”, 5 star stories… but still, fiction. 

Is that right?

PG: Absolutely. Remember that your husband is a lot more than type on a page. He’s got true emotions, needs and goals. He won’t be predictable like the usual romance plot. That makes him a lot more satisfying. Why would you want to exchange him for a cardboard hero? You wouldn’t. Keep that in mind.

KD: Thank you so much for agreeing to talk with me about DD, your personal life, your characters, and the boundaries between fantasy and real life.  And thank you for creating such great characters and fun worlds for me to escape into. At least for a little while.  🙂

PG: Real life has a way of testing our character. If I can help you deal with that, give you a break from a difficult problem, I’m honored to do it. My thanks for relying on my books to help you cope a teensy bit better. There’s nothing wrong with escapism, so long as your whole life isn’t an escape.

KD:  Thanks again. I can’t wait to see what you come up with next.

***

Ace and Gabby’s book is Ace-High Flush, book 2 of the Journey Family series. The blurb goes like this:

Gabriella Appleby is a struggling young, large-size model who can’t quite behave. She tries, but sometimes telling the truth just doesn’t seem like the right thing to do. Not thinking things through also seems to be high on her list of to-do items.

Ace Journey is interested in Gabby, and cares about her enough to want to make an indelible impression on her. No one has taught her to behave, and he figures he’s the man to do it. Although their New York/New Jersey rendezvous takes him out of his natural element, don’t let his Texas drawl fool you. He’s smart and capable, and more than a match for the city streets.

Gabby wants Ace, and Ace wants Gabby. Unfortunately, her errors in judgment lead them to a fork in the road where they must part. Miserable about it, they find that an unlikely matchmaker—billionaire Jonny Chow—steps in to show them just how much they mean to each other.

It’s available at Amazon and Blushing Books.

There’s also an extended excerpt and character profiles on Patricia Green’s website.:)

Life is a training run

woman running on hot day

Ok, it’s time for another metaphorical post.  Many of you know that I am a runner. I have competed for over half of my life, and am about to start competing again.  A good or bad day depends on how my run went that morning.  Luckily, I have been working on finding other outlets, like reading, writing and blogging.

When I went out for my run this morning, I was hit with a blog post idea. (Most of my ideas come while running. It’s Murphy’s Law. No computer or pencil and paper in sight.  I may have to start carrying a Dictaphone with me.  )

The idea was that my life is like a training run.  I was able to compile a short list of comparisons between my daily life, and my running. And I thought it would be fun to share.

So here goes.

The top 5 reasons how my life compares to running.

***

1.     All it takes is that first step.

 

Sometimes, I don’t want to get out of bed and run.  It’s early, it’s dark, and my bed is warm and snuggly.

I grumble and groan, and throw the blankets and pillows around, hoping to wake up hubby. (Misery loves company, right? If I have to be awake, he should be too! )

I stumble around, brush my teeth, drink some water, and put on my jog bra and shorts, and socks and shoes. In the area I live, the heat and humidity are already high. No reason to wear anything else.

Then I step out the door, and take my first short stride. As I continue to run, my stride lengthens, my pace quickens, and I relax into the run.

It’s a wonderful feeling, the fresh air, and solitude, feeling my body’s movements, in tune with my surroundings. And I would have missed it, if I hadn’t taken that first step.

Sometimes, life is like that. I may be grumpy or not in the right mindset to do something new and challenging.  But if I take that first step, I almost always surprise myself, and find that I actually enjoy whatever activity it is. But I have to be willing to take the first step.

***

2.     Out and back runs are good for laziness.

 

Sometimes, I get lazy. I don’t want to finish a whole 5 miler, I’m bored, or lonely.

(or sometimes, I come up with great ideas for a story or blog post, and want to rush back home).  But I know that doing the whole planned workout is what is going to get me to my goal.  So I force myself to finish the whole run, by doing an out and back run.

It’s just what it implies.

Out and back.

If I go 2 miles out, and get bored or lazy, there is no way I can shorten it and quit early. I have to go back the same two miles. There are no short cuts.  This forces me to stick to my game plan, even when I don’t want to.

In real life, I have a support network. People and events strategically placed, so when I have to absolutely get something done, I will.

I call this my house cleaning 911.

The surest way to get me to clean up the house, is to invite people over for dinner.  I scramble around for a few hours, frantically hiding toys and extra laundry, throwing away moldy cookies that somehow found their way under the couch.

(How the heck did that get there? Hey honey, isn’t that from Easter?)

My husband and I jokingly say that if we want to clean the house, we’ll plan to host a party that weekend.  🙂

***

3.     Running is tough, it hurts sometimes!

 

Some of my former workouts were so tough, I shudder to remember them.

5 by mile repeats at sub 5:30 pace. Ugh.

Yes, they were tough.

But once they were finished, I was stronger, faster, and ready to take on whatever workout was thrown at me next.  And as I pushed through one grueling workout after another, I knew that my goal was reachable.

I’m happy to say that my best season ever ended with a top 5 finish in a huge ten miler (61:49 PR). It was worth it.  All that hard work had come to fruition.  It meant something.

Life can be a hard sometimes also.  There are always ups and downs, struggles, battles to be fought.

They can be little, like trying to get a child to eat her hamburger as she loudly protests that she is a vegetarian; or big, like trying to get hubby to come on board with a new relationship that he doesn’t quite understand.

But pushing through it, and trying to have faith that there is a finish line, there is a huge goal to be reached, helps.

After the struggling and pushing have finished, I find myself stronger, ready for the next event.  And I am thankful for making it though that last event.

***

4.     Everyone has a different max threshold.

My favorite distance runner, Deena Kastor (2004 Olympic bronze medalist in the marathon, and American Record holder) has an amazing Max VO2 threshold, and capacity.  Her lungs and body are able to do amazing things that my body can’t even begin to emulate.

While she can run back to back 5:10 miles, I run 5:45 miles (or at least I did six years ago).  She can run several miles at the same pace as my fastest single mile.
But if I am trying my hardest, and working at the highest level my lungs and legs will allow me, does this make my efforts and achievements any less valid than hers?

I used to coach high school cross country and track.  One of my athletes was an asthmatic teenager who could barely run ½ a mile without needing her inhaler.

Through a slow, but steady workout regimen, we were able to get her not only running, but racing.  By the end of the season, she was racing 5K, keeping up with the other mid pack runners, and was the Captain of the team.

I have never been more proud of someone’s achievement, and I still cry sometimes when I think about how hard she worked to achieve her goals.

But she was just a 23 minute 5K’er.  Compared to my 17:40 5K, that should be negligent, right? Just as my times are compared to Deena?

In life, everyone has a different threshold, different goals, different pausing points, and different talents.  Is any one’s achievement any greater than another person’s?

I have to remind myself of this every once in a while. I will do the best I can in whatever situation I am in. And I shouldn’t compare myself to others’ successes, and feel like a failure if I don’t compete on their level.

I can only truly compete with myself, be the best I can be, and work to the highest of my own abilities.

My threshold is my threshold.

***

5.     Running should be fun!

 

Yes, sometimes running is hard work, it’s a job, it’s tiring, and overwhelming, and can be not much fun.

But it shouldn’t always be this way. Sometimes it’s necessary to lose the watch, forget about courses and overall time, and just enjoy the run.

It’s fun to go out, and watch the scenery, use your senses, people watch, daydream, or run with a group and crack silly jokes and laugh the whole time.  It’s fun, it’s therapeutic, and it is positive and energy producing.

Does it help with the overall goal of the big race at the end of the season?

Yes! It’s a release, a chance to let everything go and start fresh, coming back able to work even harder with the next workout.

It is just as necessary to have fun and enjoy the run, as it is to train hard.

Life is like this for me.

Sometime, I have to drop everything, being a wife, a mom, a role model, a runner, a writer… I throw on my shorts, tank top and tennis shoes, and play with the kids.

I play hopscotch, I climb trees, and I beam the neighborhood kids with water balloons, and laugh when they start crying. (Ok, I don’t really laugh at them.  That would be mean. )

It’s fun, it’s therapeutic, and energy building, while simultaneously releasing negative energy. I love it!

Sometimes I set up dance parties with some of the kids. (Ok, the adults just laugh at me when I dance. I’m not exactly known for my smooth moves).

The kids love it! We all slide across the hard wood floors, jump over the couch, shake our bodies, and yell at the top of our lungs, while singing to some crazy song with lyrics we don’t understand.

Oppa Gangnam Style, anyone?

***

So running is my life, and life is like my running.

Sometimes, it‘s hard, and I need help to push through.

I need my support network to either push me or give me positive affirmation to keep me going every once in a while.

I have to be ok with the fact that I’m doing the best I can, and remember not to judge myself or others in accomplishments.

And most importantly, I need to remember to stop everything and just enjoy it.

There’s a time for working hard, and there’s a time for dancing like a crazy woman.

To all the “runners” out there, no matter what your “run” is…

Good luck!

And

Happy “running”!

Lightbulb moment in DD

pushy woman pic

Ah nuts, I had this post ready for yesterday. It talks about my DD lightbulb moment from a few nights earlier.

I wanted to share it, but wasn’t quite sure if it was ready to be viewed. I also was not sure what the reactions would be, and I am a little insecure at times.

What is so funny, is that I am sitting here this morning, in a COMPLETELY different mindset.  I am crabby, and tired. I desperately want some attention from my husband. I feel like manipulating him into a “discussion”. I want to go shopping, and spend some money frivolously. 

*sigh*  But a small part of me understands that this will not benefit either of us.

So, I am taking my own advice from the post below. If I re-read it enough times, it may snap me back into my “good space”. 🙂

Wish me luck! (or take away my debit card for the day! 🙂 )

Here is my post from Wednesday:

____________________

Light bulb moment in DD

Hubby came home last night to a house of quietly giggling, well behaved little girls, and a pleasant wife cleaning up in the kitchen.

I had even gotten the house back in some semblance of order, had done my hair, put on a little makeup (not much, we both prefer the natural look), and was wearing a cute skirt and top instead of my normal sweats and t-shirt (and frown).

He even commented on it.

He told me how nice I looked; how much he appreciated coming home to a happy wife; and how pleased he was with my efforts to get the house back in order. (We had just come off spring break, and the house was a wreck!)

Then I realized what he was saying. My actions last night were not THE NORM.  Being happy and calm, taking pride in my appearance, and taking pride in our home, were something he noticed as atypical. That was a shocking realization for me.  My husband should not have to come home, and be surprised that I am in a good mood.  Granted, being home with little people, and being tired, and slightly hypo glycemic, does tend to make one a tad ornery. But still, it shouldn’t be the norm. At least, it shouldn’t be OUR norm.

I also see this in our DD relationship.  When I am agitated, or looking for a fight, I want him to take me in hand.  But if I do this too often, he won’t want to because it has become burdensome to him. It seems like a never ending cycle of bad moods and attitude adjustments.  It never ends, and probably seems hopeless. So, why bother?

While I get frustrated by his inconsistency, I can also understand, that sometimes he gets tired from all of it.  Especially, if I have been crabby every day he has come home from work. He doesn’t want a crabby wife that surprises him by being pleasant. And I don’t want to be that wife.  There has got be a happy medium, some common ground to stand on.

So last night- after all the pleasant chatting was over, and he had had a chance to decompress, hubby was able to step in when I became frustrated with our little ‘bed-time negotiators’. My passive aggression kicked in, and I made a few snarky remarks towards him.  Since this had not been our norm for the evening, he immediately saw it for what it was. He was able to see this new development, this snarky attitude, as unusual, something that needed to be altered.

He called me over to him, pulled up my night gown, and administered 5 very hard swats to my back side.  I apologized, and hugged him, and prayed that no neighbors had been walking past our house, since the front porch light was not on.

I hurried to turn on the lights, just in case.

Then my internal light bulb went on.  I realized how much easier it was for him to take care of these smaller situations, when he wasn’t over-inundated with almost constant needs for correction.    I realized that my manipulations and pushiness towards discipline and attention, actually pushed him further away from being able to address me.

It is the ‘less is more’ concept.  The less I bug and manipulate him, and the less crabby I act…

–  the more able he is to clearly see what I need.

And he is more willing to act accordingly, because he doesn’t see it as an endless cycle.

Wow!!!!! I had never thought of it this way.

Cut and dry – if I back off, he will step in.

I need to make sure I change our nightly norm as well as our DD norm. Less is more.

And a husband should not have to come home and be surprised when his wife is in a good mood.  LOL, this will be tough for me to do sometimes because of the stressors of little people handling. But it will be worth it in the end.

Wish us luck!