Tag Archives: respect

Thankfulness 2013- DD, Hubby, and Life – Unscripted

thankful hubby _I do

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I had a wonderful, sentimental, gushy post (mostly) ready to go this morning.

 It was about my husband of fifteen years, and the recent start of our DD journey.  And though it was a little ‘over-kill sweet’, I was still prepared to go with it.

All it needed was a little editing, and then I would post it. 

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I kissed hubby and the kids, and waved to them as they left for school. (They have started chanting “Bye, mommy, we love you!” as they drive away.  It’s silly and fun, and it totally starts my day off on a great note!)

But my day of tweaking, planning and blog posting was short lived, when our minivan decided to fritz out on me.  I had to take it to the dealership, after the “check engine” and “image of a car swerving down the road” lights went on.

So I drove twenty minutes to the dealership.

Where I sat.

And waited.

For three hours!

(Luckily, I had the foresight to ask them to drop me off at the nearest book store, which made my waiting a bit more comfortable)

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Then I went back to the dealership, and was told my van needed extensive repairs, and that I would need to get myself a rental car.

So I waited for the Enterprise guy to come pick me up.

And waited.

For another hour!

waiting

By this time, it was 2 pm—almost time to pick up my first child from school. I called a friend and asked her to get her for me, sure that I would still make it on time to pick up my second daughter an hour later.

This was not the case, either.

By the time, the young man finally came with my car, I was a nervous ball of energy, fighting tears, and trying to figure out how to get to my baby in time.

Long story short, the school kept her in the office, and I made it, only a few minutes late.  But I did break down a tad bit at the car dealership. And I may have used a few choice words that nice women don’t usually use in public.

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After picking up my kids, we returned home, got out of the car, walked up the sidewalk, and promptly 180’d back to the rental car.

I had forgotten the house keys in our car—which was still at the dealership—20 minutes away.

We got back in the car, and I laughed so hysterically, I think my eyes almost bugged out of my head. My children thought I was nuts, but decided it would be fun to laugh along with me. So we all laughed manically for a good solid 2 minutes.

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You are probably asking what this has to do with my original post. What does this have to do with being thankful for my husband?

And I can answer in one word.

EVERYTHING!

You see, I had this perfectly sweet, sentimental post ready to go. It talked about our hardships with DD.

How he laughed in surprise when I first asked him to spank me a few years ago.

It talked about our role playing in the bedroom.

I explained how – for every step forward, we took two steps back.

The very beginning of our DD relationship was difficult.  I bratted and resented him for not taking me in hand.

He resented me for forcing him into it.

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And then, something clicked.

We started listening to each other.

We both stopped demanding, and started giving.

I stopped emasculating him.

He took charge and I let him.

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This was what I was going to talk about. But life got in the way today.

So here’s what happened behind the scenes, unscripted—real life.

unscripted

As my frustration built, over the course of the long day, I found myself wanting to lash out at hubby, to project my anger somewhere safe.  I even called him a few times to vent at him.

And to his credit, he accepted my venting, and empathized with my situation.

(It sucked! Of course, he empathized.)

But he only let me go so far in my “getting worked-upedness” as he likes to call it.

He put a stop to it, at one point, and told me to grab a pen and paper, and start writing down my story ideas.

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“What do you mean, story ideas?!?” I quietly screeched into the phone (Yes, it is possible to quietly screech).

He chuckled, “You always have a story idea, whatever you do. Write them down, and I’ll take a look at them later.”

“Really?” I bit my bottom lip out and grinned hopefully before realizing he really couldn’t see me over the phone. (But everyone else in the waiting room could, so I toned it down.)

“Yeah, I’ll take a look at it later.”

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We hung up, and I knew I could make it through the afternoon.

UNTIL the Enterprise fiasco.

By 2 pm, I was agitated again, and hyper texting. (This is where you just start texting someone whatever pops in your mind, because you are strung out, and it’s your only safe outlet)  I was going back and forth between hubby, and my friend Nikki.

At one point, I sent hubby a text meant for my friend.

I asked her to send me energy because I felt like starting a fight with hubby and forcing him to “take action” later.

As soon as I sent it, I realized my mistake, and texted him to disregard.

He obliged.

I received a text from him a few moments later,

‘This is Nikki. Not (hubby).  Don’t try to force his hand. Bad mojo.’

It was just the kind of light hearted moment I needed at that moment. Hubby pretending to be my friend, and texting me a message “from her”.

LOL, I thought the message was legitimate at first, but he couldn’t take it anymore, and let me in on the joke. (I’m not much of a tech person. So I would have believed this one if he had let me go for a while)

technology

******

The day is finally over.  The rental car is parked safely in our driveway, the kids are in bed, and I am due for a night of good old fashioned “maintenance”.  Not because I am being punished in any way, but because we both know I could really use some time over his knee and in his arms.

Then again, if he finds out about my F-bomb at the dealership, he may decide to add on to tonight’s agenda.  But I’ll take it.  I am grateful for him, and the life we share.

But it will take a lot of coaxing for me to be thankful for the car dealership and rental car people.   😦

OK, I really do need to post this now. I have just been given the ten minute warning before “discussion” time.

Thanks for joining me tonight!

See ya tomorrow!

🙂

Doing Time – In the Corner.

should wives be spanked

9:30 pm Wed night.

He put me IN THE CORNER!

Hubby came into the bedroom wanting to know what had made me so grumpy earlier this evening.

I told him “Nothing”.  And continued typing on my laptop, pretending to ignore him.

(Yes, I was bit crabby. Unfortunately, I couldn’t remember why I was taking it out on him.)

He asked me again, more firmly.
“Nothing is wrong!” I replied a little bit louder.

Wrong answer, I guess.

He pulled me up, out of my chair, put my laptop on the bed, and walked me over to the corner in our bedroom, and said, “Stay.”

Holy crap!
I wasn’t even sure if he was serious, since we have NEVER even discussed corner time.

(Ok, I might have mentioned it once, when we started out, like 14-15 months ago, as a passing thought, “These are the kind of punishments you can give…”)

But we have never talked about it again. I’ve never mentioned how intrigued I have always been about it.

To be placed in the corner, like a naughty girl, was so arousing, yet so embarrassing and wrong at the same time!

My heart was in my throat, and my stomach danced with butterflies, as I sorted through all the conflicting emotions:

  • His sudden Dominance really turned me on.
  • I liked this feeling of submissiveness.
  • It was kind of humiliating to receive this kind of punishment.
  • How should I react?

He left right away, because the kids started coming downstairs from their beds, so he rushed to intercept them.

If they had come anywhere near the bedroom, I can tell you honestly, I would not have stayed in that corner. Or I at least would have pretended to be doing something important.

“Oh, darlings, just look at the difference in the coloring on these two walls. If you stick your nose right up into the corner, you can see that these are not symmetrical.  We must fix this as soon as possible!”

As it was, I didn’t stay anyway.   The corner was dirty, and there were still cords and charger plugs from the iron and my laptop, that I didn’t want to step on.

So I moved everything out of the way, just in case he was serious about following through.

Then I went to find him to apologize (and see if he had really meant it. Yes, I was testing. I’ll admit it).

He took one look at me when I came out, and growled, (Yes, he really did growl.)
“Why aren’t you where I told you to stay?”

(The kids were coming in and out of their rooms. I appreciated his cryptic question.)

“I didn’t know if you really meant it.” I pouted.

His scary, low voice replied, “I want you. Where I. put you. Wait there until I come and get you.”

Big gulp, and a slow trudge back to the icky, but now uncluttered corner.

I wondered if he would spank me for coming out, and how long he would leave me there.
Even more importantly, how long would I let myself stay there?  What if it was like an hour or so?  And why was I kind of aroused by all of this.

After maybe three to five minutes (long enough for my mind to wander into spanking territory, anyway), he came in, and told me I could come out.

I can honestly say, I felt pretty submissive. I finally explained the little things that had gotten me in my ill mood, including him being late and not calling.  He lectured me about respectful two way communication, and suggested a line. “Honey, next time you’re running late, would you please call me?”

Well, duh! That one hadn’t even crossed my mind.

And in answer to the next probable question. No there was no spanking.
Though I was kind of disappointed, (Is that weird?) I realized that I needed to adhere to my own rules.

I asked him to take charge, and be the Head of our Household.

I asked him to stop me when I’m being ugly.

I asked him to do 24/7 DD.

I asked him to make the tough decisions regarding discipline and communication.

If all I want is the spanking, then it’s just about play and sex, and we need to consider  a different route. Maybe D/S or BDSM in the bedroom only.

But…

If I’m going to follow through with this relationship, then I need to fully embrace it.

Even without the spankings.

Even with the confusing new additions, like cluttered, yucky corners.

Fantasy vs. Reality – A chat with Patricia Green

ace-high-flush-cover

KD: Thanks so much for joining me today, Patricia. This is a subject that is very personal to me. The subject of fantasy vs. reality – holding a real spouse to a fictitious standard.  And since we are both in DD relationships, I thought it would be fun to talk about some real life experiences as well.

PG: It’s great being here with you, Katherine. Thank you for inviting me to join you.

KD:  Ok, I’m just going to jump in with one of my biggest issues.  My biggest problem early in DD, was that I was comparing (and resenting) my husband to the expert HOHS in the books I read. I realize now this is unhealthy for me, and is very disrespectful to him.
But it’s so easy to do. The characters, even when flawed, seem to always be almost perfect HOH’s.

PG: Yes, I find that there are a growing number of women who resent their spouses because they’re not like the heroes they read about. This is not only true for spanking fiction, but also very true for romance in general. The issues with romance as a genre have been around for a long time. But, whether you’re talking DD or Regencies, there has to be a separation between fantasy and reality. Some people let the lines blur. I think this might be truer for an empathic person like yourself, Katherine.

KD: That’s why I sometimes shift to paranormal if I’m not in a safe mind set. It’s far easier to remember that a spanking vampire, is in fact, fantasy.

I’m serious about this.  Sometimes, I can differentiate between the contemporary hero and real life hero (AKA hubby) easily.  But occasionally, it becomes hard to separate, so I find it easier to jump into a regency or old time western story.  To be perfectly honest, science fiction and fantasy are still my favorites. (I really wish someone would do a Star Trek or Battle Star Galactica themed spanking romance.)

PG: The fact is, the women (almost exclusively) who write this stuff are building fantasies. They take what they think is the “perfect hero” and put him on the page. Have they ever met the “perfect hero” in person? Not a chance. There is no such person. Everyone has flaws. And, let’s face it, none of us wives are perfect either. Do we have a legitimate right to demand it from our HoH’s?

KD: That’s a very good point.  In real life, I despise what age is doing to my body.  But it would be so hurtful and wrong of my husband to demand that I remain as my “thirty something” self.  It wouldn’t be fair to either of us to hold on to that image.  It’s fantasy.

KD: I understand that you are in a DD relationship as well.  Did you have any struggles with resentment, or HOH images?  How did you get into this relationship?

PG:  The first DD relationship I was in was when I was 19. The man I was involved with was 42. I think it would be safe to say that I was looking for a stern father-figure, something I didn’t have growing up. Although I went on to a vanilla relationship after that, I wasn’t as happy in that situation. I divorced my vanilla husband, not because there was anything wrong with him — he was and is a very good guy and a great dad to our daughters. It was more a discontentment within me. I believe that’s the kind of discontentment that eats at a relationship like a cancer. There are a few things that can be done about it. A woman can decide that the other parts of her relationship are more important than her DD desires (I know more than a few women who have done this, and it works for them), or she can ask her husband to try to work with her on migrating the relationship to a DD one.

KD: That’s what I did. I brought DD to my husband, and asked him to take charge of our marriage.  It was pretty scary, but thankfully, he didn’t laugh or make fun of my request.  But it felt like a last resort for me.  We were both unhappy, and I wanted the structure.

We have been doing DD for over a year and a half.  And even though it isn’t strictly DD, it’s a decision that we both agree has been the best decision for us. Spanking helped save our marriage.

PG:  Well, what is “strict DD,” or are you comparing book-based DD against real life DD? Because in real life, every couple has a different way of dealing with incompatibilities. DD couples are no different from vanilla couples in that regard. Your version of DD is not, and should not, be the same as any other couple’s. There is no rule or cannon for you to cling to; you have to make it up as you go along.

KD: Great point! I can already see our next blog topic.

KD:  How did you learn about DD? Was it from an online source or a book?

PG:  DD books weren’t around at that time, or not sold where “nice girls” shopped, so the only measuring sticks I had were that early relationship and my own desire for discipline. I knew I needed discipline imposed upon me externally, so that’s what I sought. I had no words for it at the time, DD wasn’t part of my vocabulary.

KD: That’s how I felt before I learned about DD. So you didn’t have anyone to compare your new HOH to, (no fictitious super spankos) probably making it a lot easier, right?

PG:  Actually, you don’t have to read about the uber-DD-hero. You can dream him up all the same, and that dream guy can have the same effect on you. No one else is good enough.

KD:  I loved how you related it to just every day coveting. It’s such a good point. We don’t always need characters to compare and create something in our mind, better.  The grass is always greener, right?

PG:  It’s just like having a daydream of a mansion on a hill, when your budget is more an apartment in the suburbs. It’s something to admire, but you disrespect what you have if you’re not careful.

KD: Well said.  Ok, so back to fantasy.  Who is your favorite fictitious HOH?

PG:  My favorite fictitious HOH is Ace Journey, from Ace-High Flush. It might be rather apparent as I keep coming back to him in the books, even for small segments of the story. He’s strong, masculine, mature, dominant, but very loving and romantic. He spanks for discipline and for eroticism. Ace is crazy in love with his young wife, Gabby, and that love translates into lots of care, concern and passion.

KD:  I loved Ace and Gabby. My husband and I also use spanking for discipline and eroticism.

What’s one of your favorite behaviors from Ace? I loved their story, and appreciated the fact that he doesn’t look down on or disrespect Gabby, even though she is over 15 years younger than him.

PG:  Favorite behavior… Ace reasons with Gabby, but he doesn’t take any wheedling. My husband is the same way. He can spot manipulation a mile away and takes a very dim view of it.

KD: My husband is starting to figure out my manipulative tendencies too. 🙂  Alas.

KD: So how does one, especially an empathetic person like me, safely read these wonderful stories without resenting our imperfect spouses?

PG:  You know, there’s an old saying about “good fences make good neighbors.” In many respects, the same can be said for fiction and reality. You have to keep your fences intact. Maintain them carefully. Don’t neglect them or forget they’re there. Remember that you need them in order to keep your real life from deteriorating because you’re lost in make-believe worlds. The heroes in fiction are deceptive. If a writer is good, the story will seem like a home-movie of a couple living their real life. But that’s not the case. No relationship has a planned trajectory that ends in a happily ever after. Real relationships aren’t planned, plotted out, or outlined, they’re organic. That’s what makes them so special, and something no meddling writer can ever really bring to you. Enjoy what you have, make your own happy ending, and don’t pine for make-believe worlds. None of us really has a fairy godmother.

KD: That was so brilliantly stated.  I have read some fantastic authors who do such a great job of building the characters and relationships, that I can’t help, but pine for what they have.

But I can continue to read and enjoy these awesome stories, if I just remember that they are fiction. Beautifully written, “want to get lost in it”, 5 star stories… but still, fiction. 

Is that right?

PG: Absolutely. Remember that your husband is a lot more than type on a page. He’s got true emotions, needs and goals. He won’t be predictable like the usual romance plot. That makes him a lot more satisfying. Why would you want to exchange him for a cardboard hero? You wouldn’t. Keep that in mind.

KD: Thank you so much for agreeing to talk with me about DD, your personal life, your characters, and the boundaries between fantasy and real life.  And thank you for creating such great characters and fun worlds for me to escape into. At least for a little while.  🙂

PG: Real life has a way of testing our character. If I can help you deal with that, give you a break from a difficult problem, I’m honored to do it. My thanks for relying on my books to help you cope a teensy bit better. There’s nothing wrong with escapism, so long as your whole life isn’t an escape.

KD:  Thanks again. I can’t wait to see what you come up with next.

***

Ace and Gabby’s book is Ace-High Flush, book 2 of the Journey Family series. The blurb goes like this:

Gabriella Appleby is a struggling young, large-size model who can’t quite behave. She tries, but sometimes telling the truth just doesn’t seem like the right thing to do. Not thinking things through also seems to be high on her list of to-do items.

Ace Journey is interested in Gabby, and cares about her enough to want to make an indelible impression on her. No one has taught her to behave, and he figures he’s the man to do it. Although their New York/New Jersey rendezvous takes him out of his natural element, don’t let his Texas drawl fool you. He’s smart and capable, and more than a match for the city streets.

Gabby wants Ace, and Ace wants Gabby. Unfortunately, her errors in judgment lead them to a fork in the road where they must part. Miserable about it, they find that an unlikely matchmaker—billionaire Jonny Chow—steps in to show them just how much they mean to each other.

It’s available at Amazon and Blushing Books.

There’s also an extended excerpt and character profiles on Patricia Green’s website.:)

Empowerment – A one man job?

we can do it

Empowerment – The giving of an ability; enablement or permission (www.dictionary.com)

If you really want to do something, you’ll find a way.  If you don’t, you’ll find an excuse.

 

People seldom do things to the best of their ability.  They do things to the best of their willingness.

 

Approach the start of each day with one goal and end the day with one word: DONE!

(www.everydaylifelessons.com)

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Today’s post is something I have been thinking about a lot.  But until recently, I couldn’t put it into words.

How could I say the following?

  • that I had been searching for a way to better myself as a wife, mother, and woman, without negating my uniqueness
  • that I wanted to be self sufficient, but sometimes needed to be able to trust another to help me.
  • that I wanted to be pushed, but not shoved,
  • encouraged, not belittled.
  • sheltered, but not imprisoned.

I went around in circles trying to define what I was looking for in my relationship, until one day it hit me.  The one word I was looking for.

Empowerment

My desire is to be the best I can be, using education, life experiences and (hopefully, some day…) maturity.  I want to do this on my own, but have found that sometimes I need outside help.  I depend on my HOH, AKA hubby, to help me succeed. And even though it stings my pride to ask for help, I know this is the right move for me.

While I am a strong, intelligent woman capable of making her own decisions, sometimes I need him to help me.

He can either lead me through the moment,

or he can talk me through it, get me started, and give me a push.

(Sometimes, this involves a quick swat or two on the rear end).  Depending on the situation, either can work.

When we first started DD (just over a year ago), I envisioned hubby forcing me out of bed, spanking me if necessary, and taking command of every facet of my life. I quickly realized this was not what either of us wanted. I still wanted to make my own decisions, live my own life. I just needed help getting started, or thinking things through.  Yes, I needed his guidance and strength, but not for EVERY choice I made.  Thankfully, he had already figured this out, and waited patiently for me to come to the same conclusion.

I have been having a lot of problems getting myself into the habit of waking early for a morning run. While it makes sense, and is easier to run before the heat and humidity kick in, I still can’t force myself out of bed.

Last week, he did something he had been doing frequently, yet I had never paid any attention.

Until this time.

He empowered me.

I had already missed two morning runs that week, was cranky, depressed, and letting everyone around me feel this in full force.

Hubby understands that this cycle hurts me. I get angry and lash out.  Then I feel guilty, which makes me depressed. He helps me out of these occasional bad cycles with a release spanking, a discussion about how I can do better, or a combination of both. (This is probably why he started calling our sessions, “discussions”)

This last time, he started with a series of questions for me.

“When are you going to run tomorrow?” (“6:30 am”)

“What time do you need to get up to accomplish this?” (calculated morning hygiene. I hate running with morning breath. Eeeew. “6:20 am”)

“What time does this mean you will need to get to sleep?” (Took into account the amount of time it will take me to fall asleep after punching pillow, and grumbling at hubby for snoring.  “10:30 pm”)

We walked through the whole scenario until I had a definitive course of action for the night and the morning. It was perfect! (Well, as perfect as it can be, when you still know you have to wake up at o-dark thirty)

The point is, he helped me make my own decision.  He empowered me.  He didn’t take over, and bulldoze me into a decision. But he did lead me through the proper questioning.

(Sometimes, I get so overwhelmed worrying about the end result, I can’t think through the steps to get me thereIt helps to have that little push.)

He enabled me, by giving me questions to answer. I figured out how to achieve my end goal, and put the plan into action.

I had a great run, felt strong, and empowered –  I felt good about myself.

Now, my HOH could have quite as easily, dictated my actions for the evening and morning.

But would it have helped me?

Would I have felt as good about myself, if I had just followed blindly?

I might have still gotten the run in, but it probably wouldn’t have helped me get through the whole week. Yes, slap on the back time. I made it the rest of the week on my own, without any prodding. 🙂

With that being said, there are times I really do need him to pull rank, and just call the shots. Sometimes, I forget to eat a meal, and I get reeeeeeeeeally crabby and mean.  At this point, he just shoves some food at me. We talk about it later.

Sometimes, I get overwhelmed, and start over-emoting. We call that a tantrum.  I am using no respectful communication, and am probably stomping my foot a little. Once again, this time just calls for decisive action on hubby’s part.  A quick little scolding and bottom warming in the bathroom, is usually all it takes to get me thinking clearly again.

 

So empowering turns out to be a very important responsibility for the HOH. But is that all there is to it? He empowers, and guides? I accept and grow?

I don’t think so. At least not in our relationship.

I think my husband needs me to support him more,

to trust him,

to treat him respectfully.

(I will talk more about respect in another post. Maybe I will title it, “Wow! If my husband said half the disrespectful things I said…” or “Am I the pot or the kettle?”)

If I were to show my support, trust, love, and respect in him, I could truly empower him.  He could grow into an even stronger leader.

Yes, I understand that we are all human, we all make mistakes.  There are going to be times when he makes mistakes.  What matters, is that he hold himself accountable for these mistakes and learn from them. I can’t do this for him. I can’t shove the mistakes in his face each time and say, “I told you so,”

(But I really was right about that garbage issue. Junky the squirrel has been back every day, and has gnawed a hole in our garbage can. It’s a burden being right all the time. )

But what good would it do?

If he is willing to be our leader, the least I can do is support him, fully, with unconditional trust and love.

No “I told you so’s”, and no disrespectful, eye rolling comments.

As he grows, he will learn that my support is not going to go away. When he makes mistakes, he will continue to learn from them, because his pride won’t be hurt by my attacks.

This is my responsibility to him – empowering him, building him up to be the strong, powerful, leader and protector of our family. I have just as big a responsibility as he does.

WE EMPOWER EACH OTHER.

In different ways, and through different approaches.

But neither is any less important than the other.

Thanks for reading!

*** The author was given a very sound “discussion” after writing this post, for having a tantrum over something quite silly. Hubby had broken into her brand new gluten free pretzels, and let the kids snack on them.

As she held her bright red bottom in her hands, sniffling, he explained that speaking respectfully about her precious GF snack, would have been accepted much easier. 

“Oh, my loved ones, whom I adore.  Please eat those normal pretzels from the second shelf instead. Mommy needs the GF ones so her tummy won’t look so plump,”

Would have been a lot better than,

“Mine, mine, mine! You can’t have ‘em! They are my precious! Give them back, give them back!” (along with some accentuated foot stomping)

Afterward, she remembered to thank him, and even apologized for the little freak out.

And he told her how much he appreciated her respect. ***

How much harder is it for him?

superman

How much harder is it for the HOH?

I had another moment of clarity this morning.

(Of course, it was about 3 am – when I had been doing a lot of great intellectualizing. Hehe, I bet that’s not even a word. But since it is 8 pm, and not 3 am, I am going to keep it. It sounds cool)

I have been whining off and on for the past few weeks;

  • Hubby doesn’t understand my needs.
  • He hates spanking me.
  • He must not respect me, since he is not reading my blog posts. (Come on, the post with the author of the western brothel, was one of my wittiest- it was very entertaining! *insert pout*)
  • He is not consistent (I have been getting away with faaaaaaar too much spending this past few weeks)
  • Yaddi yada, whine, pout, etc…

Then I finished a review for a spanking romance, in which the roles were reversed for a very short amount of time. (By the way, this main character was also a lady of the night. And I loved it! I’m not sure what that sais about me, besides the fact, that I might have a desire to spice up my own night life a bit more 🙂  ) Sorry, I lost my train of thought for a moment. Next time I am going to write the post at 3 am, when it originally comes to me.

I lay in bed thinking about the role reversal, and was adamant that I, unlike the heroine from the story, could do a much better job being in charge.

HA!

Who the heck was I kidding?

I tried to picture the “walking a mile…” scenario. Guess what, I couldn’t do it any better. In fact, given my proclivity to over-reaction and hyper sensitivity, I would probably be a horrible HOH.

(But I do have a Napolean complex. At 5’2, 108 lbs, that has got to be good for something, right?)

I tried to look at it from his perspective, analyzing some of the difficulties he faced in the HOH scenario.  Here is the brief list I came up with.

 1.  I was asking him to do something he was not comfortable with. Yet he was still willing to oblige me, because he loves me.

 2.  I was asking him to read my mind and body language, even though communication is not one of his best suits. Even straight talking can be uncomfortable for him.

3.  I reminded him not to top with too much emotion (especially anger)

4.  But I became resentful when he did sessions too robotic or without enough emotion.

5.  Sometimes, I asked him to make me cry, and take me further than he was comfortable taking me. So he did his best, working through HIS discomfort, finally calling a stop when he thought I might get hurt. (as it turns out, I don’t cry during “discussions”. Ironic, eh? That will be explained further in another very interesting post about crying)

6.  I would ask him not to stop, even though he could see it was getting very painful for me, and I was wincing or crying out, or shimmying all over the place. That must be very difficult to do to someone you love.

7.  I placed my complete trust in him to stop before it was too much. That is a pretty big responsibility for him.

 8.  I still wanted an equal partnership based on trust and mutual respect, yet I would sometimes “brat” to get his attention. (ok, more than just sometimes )

 9.  And I expected him to accommodate my sexual needs in addition to, as well as my spanking needs. (Nothing like adding a little performance pressure to an already stressful situation)

Holy cow! When I think about the intense amount of pressure I have put on this man, I am speechless!

Well, loss of speech actually does not come to me very often. Usually, I just come back with a very dumb quip, or a retort that would have made sense, three comments earlier.  Thank goodness for the age of online writing. Now I can eloquently articulate my thoughts, and may even remember to delete this part later.

But the point is, I am very thankful for my husband, my lover, my HOH, my friend.  I have been asking a lot of him, by asking him to do all of this. And he has been working pretty hard at it. (Of course, since I am the Subject Matter Expert, I will probably always see ways for him to improve )

But maybe, just maybe, I could try to cut him a little slack. He is making tremendous progress with on the spot corrections. (Hello! He swatted me in front of his cousin, last weekend!) And he is getting better at addressing me when I start losing control.

And to be perfectly honest, if he had just taken charge and jumped into an authoritative, “I’m gonna spank you whenever I want, little girl,” demeanor, I might have been a little scared.  In this sort of relationship, maybe slow and easy is a good way to go.

Besides, the maintenance, and AFTER maintenance sessions, are becoming very enjoyable – for both of us. *insert evil grin*

Thank you to my hubby, for putting up with me through all of this. I appreciate your efforts. And I dang well know, 100%, there is no way I could do your job. The HOH is too difficult a job for me. It’s all yours.

I may even stop topping from the bottom.

Well, maybe a little. 🙂

* special note – hubby read and gave his approval for this blog post. He even decided on the awesome pic seen above. (It was either that, or a funny pic of a really frazzled guy. I can understand why he chose the Super Man – he is one!) *

Lightbulb moment in DD

pushy woman pic

Ah nuts, I had this post ready for yesterday. It talks about my DD lightbulb moment from a few nights earlier.

I wanted to share it, but wasn’t quite sure if it was ready to be viewed. I also was not sure what the reactions would be, and I am a little insecure at times.

What is so funny, is that I am sitting here this morning, in a COMPLETELY different mindset.  I am crabby, and tired. I desperately want some attention from my husband. I feel like manipulating him into a “discussion”. I want to go shopping, and spend some money frivolously. 

*sigh*  But a small part of me understands that this will not benefit either of us.

So, I am taking my own advice from the post below. If I re-read it enough times, it may snap me back into my “good space”. 🙂

Wish me luck! (or take away my debit card for the day! 🙂 )

Here is my post from Wednesday:

____________________

Light bulb moment in DD

Hubby came home last night to a house of quietly giggling, well behaved little girls, and a pleasant wife cleaning up in the kitchen.

I had even gotten the house back in some semblance of order, had done my hair, put on a little makeup (not much, we both prefer the natural look), and was wearing a cute skirt and top instead of my normal sweats and t-shirt (and frown).

He even commented on it.

He told me how nice I looked; how much he appreciated coming home to a happy wife; and how pleased he was with my efforts to get the house back in order. (We had just come off spring break, and the house was a wreck!)

Then I realized what he was saying. My actions last night were not THE NORM.  Being happy and calm, taking pride in my appearance, and taking pride in our home, were something he noticed as atypical. That was a shocking realization for me.  My husband should not have to come home, and be surprised that I am in a good mood.  Granted, being home with little people, and being tired, and slightly hypo glycemic, does tend to make one a tad ornery. But still, it shouldn’t be the norm. At least, it shouldn’t be OUR norm.

I also see this in our DD relationship.  When I am agitated, or looking for a fight, I want him to take me in hand.  But if I do this too often, he won’t want to because it has become burdensome to him. It seems like a never ending cycle of bad moods and attitude adjustments.  It never ends, and probably seems hopeless. So, why bother?

While I get frustrated by his inconsistency, I can also understand, that sometimes he gets tired from all of it.  Especially, if I have been crabby every day he has come home from work. He doesn’t want a crabby wife that surprises him by being pleasant. And I don’t want to be that wife.  There has got be a happy medium, some common ground to stand on.

So last night- after all the pleasant chatting was over, and he had had a chance to decompress, hubby was able to step in when I became frustrated with our little ‘bed-time negotiators’. My passive aggression kicked in, and I made a few snarky remarks towards him.  Since this had not been our norm for the evening, he immediately saw it for what it was. He was able to see this new development, this snarky attitude, as unusual, something that needed to be altered.

He called me over to him, pulled up my night gown, and administered 5 very hard swats to my back side.  I apologized, and hugged him, and prayed that no neighbors had been walking past our house, since the front porch light was not on.

I hurried to turn on the lights, just in case.

Then my internal light bulb went on.  I realized how much easier it was for him to take care of these smaller situations, when he wasn’t over-inundated with almost constant needs for correction.    I realized that my manipulations and pushiness towards discipline and attention, actually pushed him further away from being able to address me.

It is the ‘less is more’ concept.  The less I bug and manipulate him, and the less crabby I act…

–  the more able he is to clearly see what I need.

And he is more willing to act accordingly, because he doesn’t see it as an endless cycle.

Wow!!!!! I had never thought of it this way.

Cut and dry – if I back off, he will step in.

I need to make sure I change our nightly norm as well as our DD norm. Less is more.

And a husband should not have to come home and be surprised when his wife is in a good mood.  LOL, this will be tough for me to do sometimes because of the stressors of little people handling. But it will be worth it in the end.

Wish us luck!