Tag Archives: trust

Spanking Round Table- The DD Relationship as it Ages

I am so glad Patricia Green is hosting this month’s Spanking Round Table. She combines her wisdom, experiences, and creativity to come up with awesome discussions! Today’s posts are going to be very interesting.

round table blank graphic

When I started thinking about my post, I worried that I might not have much to contribute. Hubby and I have only been doing LDD for a few years now.  We are both in our early 40’s, have been married for fifteen years, and are firm believers of equal rights between sexes.

But we do have a division of labor:

  • I work from home, and help raise our children.  He works outside the home.
  • I clean the house. He does the edging and trimming, and anything involving bugs, spiders or really high ladders.
  • We talk about our goals and plans together.
  • But he makes the final decisions. And I submit to those decisions. (usually without any resentment )

So how did we get from former military officers (I even outranked him for a few months! 🙂 ) to the clearly delineated roles we have today?

Kicking and screaming, of course!!

LOL, I’m kind of kidding.

Kind of.

In all seriousness, my husband tried to take charge of certain aspects of our relationship, over the years. But I always fought it.

Tooth and nail.

If he suggested I clean up the kitchen, I would roll my eyes, and insinuate (most passive aggressively) that he do it himself.

If he had even DARED to suggest submission or discipline, ten years ago, I would have called him a ton of very unkind words, and would have filled his shoes with the gross stuff our dogs left in the back yard.

A lot has changed in the past five years.  We have grown. I have grown.

LOL, I saw this picture, and had to share it! It’s so me! 🙂

housewife_ dust under rug

Several years ago, I accepted the fact that I wanted to not only be a homemaker, but that I wanted to serve my husband.  This was not very politically correct, but it was still something I wanted to do.

I also discovered my other side- my spanko nature.  Even though it made me nervous to express my needs for dominance, and for boundaries, I truthfully explained it to him.  And he accepted the role that I had been fighting for years.

I realized that submitting to him did not make me weak.  He realized that being the HOH (Head of Household) , meant greater responsibility and greater potential for love.

We have had our ups and downs, as we have grown into our roles. But we have come so far in the past two years, that I feel truly blessed to have a husband willing to enter this relationship with me.

LDD is not for everyone.

And it wasn’t for me, ten years ago.

But the maturity and trust that grew within us over the years, enabled us to try this new adventure.

Today, I am a homemaker and submissive wife, who loves and thrives in her duties.  My husband laughed when I showed him this part.  Ok, being at peace in my relationship and duties, doesn’t mean I have a consistently  ‘Pollyanna’ attitude.  I have been known to get a bit ornery at times. 🙂

But here is what I know:

When I lose control or over-react to a situation, I know that my husband will help me. He protects me from myself.  He sets boundaries. He empowers me with a firm push when I am feeling down.  And sometimes, he spanks me.

I am not sure where we will be in twenty and thirty years.  I do know that he will be in charge of our relationship, and he will be my lover and protector. I know that he will make the tough decisions, so I don’t have to. And I trust that he will keep me safe.

I hope that we will be more comfortable with experimenting in the bedroom.  Spanking has opened in me a desire to try different things with him, and when he is ready, we will try them out. 🙂

DD, spanking especially, has opened both of us up to some new sexual experimentation.  I hope that we will continue to explore our relationship and our sexual sides as we mature.  He is already more willing to try new things, and I may decide to take his nickname (Mr. Vanilla) away, if he keeps progressing as he has. 🙂

Wow! Who would have thought one little phrase, “I want you to spank me”, could open us up to so much change in our relationship.

Things have changed so much over these past few years. I know the future has even more to offer us, if we keep our minds open and if we are willing to honestly communicate our desires.

I am looking forward to aging gracefully with my dominant husband (who looks even sexier now with his beard and a few greys!), and can’t wait to explore with him.

But for the time being, we are living our relationship one day at a time.

One spanking at a time.

🙂

Thanks for coming by!

Please stop by Spanking Romance Reviews, to see the other amazing posts!

And if you want to find your next good read, check out the author interviews and book reviews!

Empowerment – A one man job?

we can do it

Empowerment – The giving of an ability; enablement or permission (www.dictionary.com)

If you really want to do something, you’ll find a way.  If you don’t, you’ll find an excuse.

 

People seldom do things to the best of their ability.  They do things to the best of their willingness.

 

Approach the start of each day with one goal and end the day with one word: DONE!

(www.everydaylifelessons.com)

******************

Today’s post is something I have been thinking about a lot.  But until recently, I couldn’t put it into words.

How could I say the following?

  • that I had been searching for a way to better myself as a wife, mother, and woman, without negating my uniqueness
  • that I wanted to be self sufficient, but sometimes needed to be able to trust another to help me.
  • that I wanted to be pushed, but not shoved,
  • encouraged, not belittled.
  • sheltered, but not imprisoned.

I went around in circles trying to define what I was looking for in my relationship, until one day it hit me.  The one word I was looking for.

Empowerment

My desire is to be the best I can be, using education, life experiences and (hopefully, some day…) maturity.  I want to do this on my own, but have found that sometimes I need outside help.  I depend on my HOH, AKA hubby, to help me succeed. And even though it stings my pride to ask for help, I know this is the right move for me.

While I am a strong, intelligent woman capable of making her own decisions, sometimes I need him to help me.

He can either lead me through the moment,

or he can talk me through it, get me started, and give me a push.

(Sometimes, this involves a quick swat or two on the rear end).  Depending on the situation, either can work.

When we first started DD (just over a year ago), I envisioned hubby forcing me out of bed, spanking me if necessary, and taking command of every facet of my life. I quickly realized this was not what either of us wanted. I still wanted to make my own decisions, live my own life. I just needed help getting started, or thinking things through.  Yes, I needed his guidance and strength, but not for EVERY choice I made.  Thankfully, he had already figured this out, and waited patiently for me to come to the same conclusion.

I have been having a lot of problems getting myself into the habit of waking early for a morning run. While it makes sense, and is easier to run before the heat and humidity kick in, I still can’t force myself out of bed.

Last week, he did something he had been doing frequently, yet I had never paid any attention.

Until this time.

He empowered me.

I had already missed two morning runs that week, was cranky, depressed, and letting everyone around me feel this in full force.

Hubby understands that this cycle hurts me. I get angry and lash out.  Then I feel guilty, which makes me depressed. He helps me out of these occasional bad cycles with a release spanking, a discussion about how I can do better, or a combination of both. (This is probably why he started calling our sessions, “discussions”)

This last time, he started with a series of questions for me.

“When are you going to run tomorrow?” (“6:30 am”)

“What time do you need to get up to accomplish this?” (calculated morning hygiene. I hate running with morning breath. Eeeew. “6:20 am”)

“What time does this mean you will need to get to sleep?” (Took into account the amount of time it will take me to fall asleep after punching pillow, and grumbling at hubby for snoring.  “10:30 pm”)

We walked through the whole scenario until I had a definitive course of action for the night and the morning. It was perfect! (Well, as perfect as it can be, when you still know you have to wake up at o-dark thirty)

The point is, he helped me make my own decision.  He empowered me.  He didn’t take over, and bulldoze me into a decision. But he did lead me through the proper questioning.

(Sometimes, I get so overwhelmed worrying about the end result, I can’t think through the steps to get me thereIt helps to have that little push.)

He enabled me, by giving me questions to answer. I figured out how to achieve my end goal, and put the plan into action.

I had a great run, felt strong, and empowered –  I felt good about myself.

Now, my HOH could have quite as easily, dictated my actions for the evening and morning.

But would it have helped me?

Would I have felt as good about myself, if I had just followed blindly?

I might have still gotten the run in, but it probably wouldn’t have helped me get through the whole week. Yes, slap on the back time. I made it the rest of the week on my own, without any prodding. 🙂

With that being said, there are times I really do need him to pull rank, and just call the shots. Sometimes, I forget to eat a meal, and I get reeeeeeeeeally crabby and mean.  At this point, he just shoves some food at me. We talk about it later.

Sometimes, I get overwhelmed, and start over-emoting. We call that a tantrum.  I am using no respectful communication, and am probably stomping my foot a little. Once again, this time just calls for decisive action on hubby’s part.  A quick little scolding and bottom warming in the bathroom, is usually all it takes to get me thinking clearly again.

 

So empowering turns out to be a very important responsibility for the HOH. But is that all there is to it? He empowers, and guides? I accept and grow?

I don’t think so. At least not in our relationship.

I think my husband needs me to support him more,

to trust him,

to treat him respectfully.

(I will talk more about respect in another post. Maybe I will title it, “Wow! If my husband said half the disrespectful things I said…” or “Am I the pot or the kettle?”)

If I were to show my support, trust, love, and respect in him, I could truly empower him.  He could grow into an even stronger leader.

Yes, I understand that we are all human, we all make mistakes.  There are going to be times when he makes mistakes.  What matters, is that he hold himself accountable for these mistakes and learn from them. I can’t do this for him. I can’t shove the mistakes in his face each time and say, “I told you so,”

(But I really was right about that garbage issue. Junky the squirrel has been back every day, and has gnawed a hole in our garbage can. It’s a burden being right all the time. )

But what good would it do?

If he is willing to be our leader, the least I can do is support him, fully, with unconditional trust and love.

No “I told you so’s”, and no disrespectful, eye rolling comments.

As he grows, he will learn that my support is not going to go away. When he makes mistakes, he will continue to learn from them, because his pride won’t be hurt by my attacks.

This is my responsibility to him – empowering him, building him up to be the strong, powerful, leader and protector of our family. I have just as big a responsibility as he does.

WE EMPOWER EACH OTHER.

In different ways, and through different approaches.

But neither is any less important than the other.

Thanks for reading!

*** The author was given a very sound “discussion” after writing this post, for having a tantrum over something quite silly. Hubby had broken into her brand new gluten free pretzels, and let the kids snack on them.

As she held her bright red bottom in her hands, sniffling, he explained that speaking respectfully about her precious GF snack, would have been accepted much easier. 

“Oh, my loved ones, whom I adore.  Please eat those normal pretzels from the second shelf instead. Mommy needs the GF ones so her tummy won’t look so plump,”

Would have been a lot better than,

“Mine, mine, mine! You can’t have ‘em! They are my precious! Give them back, give them back!” (along with some accentuated foot stomping)

Afterward, she remembered to thank him, and even apologized for the little freak out.

And he told her how much he appreciated her respect. ***

How much harder is it for him?

superman

How much harder is it for the HOH?

I had another moment of clarity this morning.

(Of course, it was about 3 am – when I had been doing a lot of great intellectualizing. Hehe, I bet that’s not even a word. But since it is 8 pm, and not 3 am, I am going to keep it. It sounds cool)

I have been whining off and on for the past few weeks;

  • Hubby doesn’t understand my needs.
  • He hates spanking me.
  • He must not respect me, since he is not reading my blog posts. (Come on, the post with the author of the western brothel, was one of my wittiest- it was very entertaining! *insert pout*)
  • He is not consistent (I have been getting away with faaaaaaar too much spending this past few weeks)
  • Yaddi yada, whine, pout, etc…

Then I finished a review for a spanking romance, in which the roles were reversed for a very short amount of time. (By the way, this main character was also a lady of the night. And I loved it! I’m not sure what that sais about me, besides the fact, that I might have a desire to spice up my own night life a bit more 🙂  ) Sorry, I lost my train of thought for a moment. Next time I am going to write the post at 3 am, when it originally comes to me.

I lay in bed thinking about the role reversal, and was adamant that I, unlike the heroine from the story, could do a much better job being in charge.

HA!

Who the heck was I kidding?

I tried to picture the “walking a mile…” scenario. Guess what, I couldn’t do it any better. In fact, given my proclivity to over-reaction and hyper sensitivity, I would probably be a horrible HOH.

(But I do have a Napolean complex. At 5’2, 108 lbs, that has got to be good for something, right?)

I tried to look at it from his perspective, analyzing some of the difficulties he faced in the HOH scenario.  Here is the brief list I came up with.

 1.  I was asking him to do something he was not comfortable with. Yet he was still willing to oblige me, because he loves me.

 2.  I was asking him to read my mind and body language, even though communication is not one of his best suits. Even straight talking can be uncomfortable for him.

3.  I reminded him not to top with too much emotion (especially anger)

4.  But I became resentful when he did sessions too robotic or without enough emotion.

5.  Sometimes, I asked him to make me cry, and take me further than he was comfortable taking me. So he did his best, working through HIS discomfort, finally calling a stop when he thought I might get hurt. (as it turns out, I don’t cry during “discussions”. Ironic, eh? That will be explained further in another very interesting post about crying)

6.  I would ask him not to stop, even though he could see it was getting very painful for me, and I was wincing or crying out, or shimmying all over the place. That must be very difficult to do to someone you love.

7.  I placed my complete trust in him to stop before it was too much. That is a pretty big responsibility for him.

 8.  I still wanted an equal partnership based on trust and mutual respect, yet I would sometimes “brat” to get his attention. (ok, more than just sometimes )

 9.  And I expected him to accommodate my sexual needs in addition to, as well as my spanking needs. (Nothing like adding a little performance pressure to an already stressful situation)

Holy cow! When I think about the intense amount of pressure I have put on this man, I am speechless!

Well, loss of speech actually does not come to me very often. Usually, I just come back with a very dumb quip, or a retort that would have made sense, three comments earlier.  Thank goodness for the age of online writing. Now I can eloquently articulate my thoughts, and may even remember to delete this part later.

But the point is, I am very thankful for my husband, my lover, my HOH, my friend.  I have been asking a lot of him, by asking him to do all of this. And he has been working pretty hard at it. (Of course, since I am the Subject Matter Expert, I will probably always see ways for him to improve )

But maybe, just maybe, I could try to cut him a little slack. He is making tremendous progress with on the spot corrections. (Hello! He swatted me in front of his cousin, last weekend!) And he is getting better at addressing me when I start losing control.

And to be perfectly honest, if he had just taken charge and jumped into an authoritative, “I’m gonna spank you whenever I want, little girl,” demeanor, I might have been a little scared.  In this sort of relationship, maybe slow and easy is a good way to go.

Besides, the maintenance, and AFTER maintenance sessions, are becoming very enjoyable – for both of us. *insert evil grin*

Thank you to my hubby, for putting up with me through all of this. I appreciate your efforts. And I dang well know, 100%, there is no way I could do your job. The HOH is too difficult a job for me. It’s all yours.

I may even stop topping from the bottom.

Well, maybe a little. 🙂

* special note – hubby read and gave his approval for this blog post. He even decided on the awesome pic seen above. (It was either that, or a funny pic of a really frazzled guy. I can understand why he chose the Super Man – he is one!) *

Letting go of my pride

humble woman pic

My pride has become a very big issue for me lately.

I have always had a pretty decent heart for serving, and up until a few years ago, I was pretty good at asking for help from others.

Somewhere between meeting my beloved Southern gentleman hubby, having children, and entering the world of “housewifedom”, I have lost a lot of my abilities to ask for, and receive help.  This could be due to the stress and competition of living in middle class suburbia. Or it could be due to some maturing on my part.

But I have a feeling that it has to do with my pride.  It is harder for me to ask for help from the other SAHM’s, when I know that there is a good possibility they are judging me. And hey! Old habits die hard. I have always been competitive, especially against other women.  To allow myself to be vulnerable is very difficult for me.

But I found myself in this position of accepting help, not once, but twice this weekend.

After being home with my youngest child, recovering from surgery, I was desperate for some support and help- from anyone. And a neighbor was kind enough to offer her support – in the form of taking my oldest child out for a morning of errands, library visiting, and McDonald’s. The old me would have jumped at the invitation. I knew it would help everyone to have a small break. And it would be a lovely treat for my eldest – happy meals always gave me great memories! 🙂

But I was torn. What if this woman judged me for this? What if she told everyone else how great she was, and how bad a mommy I was?  What if she turned my child against me with her promise of attention and a strawberry shake (with extra cherries, of course)? What if…What if?

I finally had to let go, and accept her invitation for what it was – a blessing, with no strings attached.

Could she still bad mouth me? Maybe.

But would it truly define who I was as a mother, even if she painted me as the worst mom ever to the rest of the neighborhood?

No. It would not define my love for my children, or my ability to care for and nurture, and love them with every fiber of my being.

So I let go of my pride, and accepted her offer.  This gave me the chance to dote on my little one who was in need of tons of attention lavished on her. And it gave my eldest a chance to get out for a while and have some fun.  I felt a little awkward at their return a few hours later, and am still waiting to hear any negative feedback.

But I am feeling surprisingly calm about all of it. I let go of my pride, and accepted her blessing, and will try to remember that I am an imperfect woman and mom. I can do the best I can, and still be judged by others. But all I can do is do my best and love my children.

I am thankful to this woman for helping me and my child out, with her offer of entertainment, and I am especially thankful that through this, I remembered that my pride is not what matters most.

Sometimes, I have to let it go, and just hope for the best.

This is important to realize because I had another pride moment this morning.

A brief recap: My youngest child had surgery on Wednesday. I had been very tense and worried leading into it. Then we went into recovery mode, which is not very much fun for the child or the mommy.  To say I have been slightly crabby and a bit over-reactionary towards hubby, would be an understatement.  By this morning, I can honestly say I was in full blown be-otch mode.  Hubby commented about this several times throughout the morning.

I tried to get “out of my funk”, as he so eloquently termed it, but was unable to let go. I could not let go of my anger and frustration and resentment.

(At one point, I am pretty sure I blew up over some jelly being left on the counter. “It’s supposed to go in the dang refrigerator!!!!!”)

The crabbier I got, the more unhappy he became, and backed off emotionally from me. This created an even bigger resentment in me. Why couldn’t he just spank me already and get it over with?!? I could tell I needed it. I was in such a vile mood. And it hurt my feelings to watch him back away. What a horrid cycle of negativity!

I finally knew what I had to do. I needed to ask for his help. But I did not want to ask him for this much needed session. My pride was already hurting.

Why should I have to beg him for something that he should already have seen to – at least five times!

I felt he should have seen my volatile behavior and negative mind-set, and realized what I needed.

I felt resentful that he would not take me out of the negative environment I was in.

How dare he?!

Why didn’t he see what I needed?

Why wouldn’t he spank me?

And why did I feel so angry with him, when I knew that it was me I was really angry with?

(Ugh, my mom has always told me not to end a sentence with a preposition, but I honestly don’t know how to change it. Sorry for the poor grammar)

Then I thought back to my feelings from the previous day with the neighbor. I can’t control how others are going to react. I can’t control their judgment. And I cannot control what is supposed to go into another person’s mind.  I have to ask for what I want. And in this case, I had to ask for what I NEEDED. I had to let go of my pride, and ask him (as humiliating as it felt) to HELP ME.

I went into the bedroom, and pulled out the new Lexan paddle, and placed it on the bathroom sink. Then I went upstairs, and asked him for five minutes of his time.  When he followed me into our bedroom, I locked the door, and led him further into the bathroom.  I handed him the Lexan, and said, “Please.”

His eyebrow raised a little, and he asked me why I was asking him for this.

“Be-because I can’t get out of this mood,” I started crying.

It was very humbling to have to ask him for this, and also to admit that this was something I could not take care of my own. I felt so vulnerable. If he had made an off comment or rolled his eyes, I would have never asked him for help again. It was such a precarious position of vulnerability for both of us. He handled it with tremendous grace and strength.

He nodded in understanding, and told me to bend over, with my hands on the sink.  I was a bit worried that having my panties and jeans on might diminish the effects, but quickly found out there was nothing to worry about. The Lexan paddle, in the right hands, can be felt, quite easily, through all forms of clothing.  After 20-30 strokes (ok, I wasn’t really counting), I was hyperventilating, groaning, and shifting from side to side trying to lessen its dreadful impact.  Hubby had done his job magnificently. And I felt better because of it.

I felt something release in me, and I could finally breathe again. I felt connected to the world once again, instead of fighting against it. It felt so good to not be angry anymore.

I can’t explain why this, this whole spanking thing, does this for me. I have a few theories, but that is for another blog post.

But for now, I am happy in the fact that my husband came through for me when I asked him.  I knowingly let go of my pride, and it did not hurt me. In fact, I think it helped me.  I am thankful to him for helping me in such a vulnerable and awkward moment.  My pride can ultimately be my downfall. But as I learn to trust my husband (and others) more, the more easily I can let go of my pride; and a little bit of selflessness may end up going a long way.

***When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom. Proverbs 11:2***